Fan mail for Arvind Kejriwal, from a convert and cynic

by Tanmay Bhat Dear Mr Kejriwal, As a comedian, election result day is a special time for people of my profession. Usually, it’s a day when we get to see our country’s democracy wear a ghagra–choli and dance while news anchors prance around it, yelling words like “EARLY TRENDS”, “HUNG ASSEMBLY” and “Mr Manish Tiwary, there’s no need to cry please…”. As a professional cynic, I’m predisposed to rolling my eyes at your idealist approach to fighting the elections. But can you blame me? As a 25 year old, the only time I’ve seen somebody honest come to power was when Anil Kapoor replaced Amrish Puri in Nayak to become CM for a day (because nobody wants to fight a guy covered in mud). I didn’t think you had a chance. But I was wrong. And I couldn’t be gladder. You’re a clever, well-educated man Mr. Kejriwal. Despite having a real degree and not one that reads “Bachelors In Beta/Biwi Of Amir Neta”, you stood for elections. In the past, we’ve put people who have literally not even finished junior school, in charge of India’s third most populous state. In a country where knowing the six times table is being over-qualified to govern 82 million people, it’s nice to have an IITian like you around. It also helps that you were instrumental in getting the Right To Be Shot Dead If You Ask For This Information Act passed. [caption id=“attachment_1278523” align=“alignleft” width=“380”] Arvind Kejriwal. AFP.[/caption] Most recently, I saw Sushil Kumar Shinde, a Congress party member, accuse you of having suspicious illegal monetary transactions. (Insider gossip: following this statement, Shinde went to an isolated room, collapsed on the floor and laughed for about three and a half days before regaining composure.) He probably knew that Congress questioning your financial legality is like Ishant Sharma lecturing Glenn McGrath about consistency.  You handled this situation with a swagger that I couldn’t believe a politician could possess. You willingly asked people to stop donating to you and actually returned money to several donors. You RETURNED money. (Insider gossip: A circular was released to workers of other political parties stating that if anyone even whispered the words “return” and “money” in the same sentence, the party’s top dawg will personally come, eat your lunch and then fire you, citing a medical crisis called “__mata chadh gayi hai”.) If that wasn’t enough, you broke politics when you withdrew your party member Pritpal Saluja’s candidature because it was discovered that a criminal case had been filed  against him. In contrast, I think even if Kalmadi tried to remain in Tihar, he wouldn’t be able to. Kalmadi: I was responsible for the scam of hundreds of crores  Congress: All cool man, you were suffering from dementia. Kalmadi: Wha? You don’t get it, I willingly overpaid for toilet paper.     Congress: Too good bro! Now come be on the parliamentary committee for external affairs…   Plus, you didn’t think fasting was the answer to everything and decided to enter the system to clean it up. Despite the snide remarks from Anna Hazare, you still kept your cool. Anybody who can work in an election while dealing with a whiny ex has my vote. Then you challenged the then Delhi chief minister Sheila Dixit on her home turf. A part of me imagined you hugging Kumar Vishwas saying, “Yuhi nahi harayenge unhe, keh ke lenge unki…” in a Wasseypuri accent. But you didn’t go about it like a country yokel. You did it the urbane, smart way. Your marketing strategy included posters on auto rickshaws (making Aam Aadmi Party the only thing autos have endorsed since gutkha and disrespect for traffic signals). You got singers to do a fun concert for you. I attended the BJP concert and quite frankly, I couldn’t relate to L.K. Advani’s rendition of “Summer of 1869”. You must know that AAP is currently like the person everybody wants to meet after they’ve just gone through the worst break up of their life. Now we’re all hoping your reputation is not just the effect of the nation being on rebound. It’s needless to say this is just the beginning and there’s a long way to go. There have already been one murder, one sting operation and one enquiry against AAP. And that was before people thought you were a threat. Full-sized humans have magically been made to disappear in the past for far lesser crimes. To quote a dude in spandex, “with great power comes great responsibility” and yours is now to the citizens who’ve put you in this situation. Historically, anybody with such a quick surge in power has rarely delivered. But then again, historically, nobody has managed to make neta topi and jhadu seem like a cool idea. You have. So please, try and not mess it up. Sincerely, A convert