No sex for eight years? Don't panic

By Rukun Kaul Editor’s note: It’s the darndest thing – everyone’s convinced sex sells and yet, sex, sexuality and relationships remain the most confusing things for most of us. Is there some girlfriend/boyfriend behaviour that isn’t making sense to you? Are you constantly confused by what your spouse says and what they actually mean? Do you have questions about sex that you’ve pretended to know the answers to but need to cross-check for factual accuracy? Our new columnist might be just the woman for you. She’s not easily embarassed, happy to answer questions and when she doesn’t have answers, she’s got stories from her own life that will entertain if not educate. May the force be with you (and her). “Dear Ms K, I have heard that if a woman doesn’t have sex for seven years, then her stuff becomes like a virgin’s again. Is this true? Will sex in year eight feel like the first time?” Dear Eight Years Of Winter, If that were the case, then vaginal rejuvenation would be an urban legend by now, and disturbingly, it is no such thing. Eight years to get your virginity back is a small price to pay for resurrecting the tightness of your teenage years. Luckily for you and I, there is no data to substantiate your concern. I haven’t had sex in a while (because, such is life) and I would really dread re-living the awkwardness of my first time. Speaking of dry spells, be ye not so stupid - bidding farewell to sexual cobwebs in the backseat of a car is never advisable. Book a hotel room in Pune instead. [caption id=“attachment_1588093” align=“alignleft” width=“380”] Representational Image. Reuters[/caption] Like most Indian parents, mine also failed to teach me the ABCs of the vaginal canal. Under the foster care of my step-parent Google, I’ve learnt my labia minora from my majora. Follow my suit, dear one. Understand your body and learn to trust its instincts. It will tell you exactly what it wants. Too tight = not ready. Too loose? Hah! There’s no such thing as too loose. That’s a patriarchal myth invented to make women feel insecure after childbirth. Consensual penetrative sex should never hurt. If you experience pain or discomfort, it is probably because (a) you’re anxious (b) you’re not wet enough (c) your partner’s a lizard tongue kisser! In the first two scenarios, your partner must accommodate your needs – your mind and body need to feel comfortable. Invest in foreplay. Make him go down on you and pray for an orgasm. If you’re anything like me, then please pray harder. Have him insert more fingers inside you to ease your body into accepting a larger girth. If that doesn’t work, then go for a man with a smaller penis. Uska self-esteem bhi badh jayega aur tum punya bhi kamalogi. In case of revelation (c), do your sexual needs a favour: pat his back and call it a day. Then switch on your laptop, curse the gods and porn it up. In the likely situation that you don’t have anyone to hook up with to test the advice dished out above, consider your Shani bhaari and consult the nearest Baba for help. Seriously though, your body is intuitive and it will not aid your desperation until and unless it feels ready. So lest you faint in the anticipation ofyour sexual reunion, do my feminism a favour – buy yourself a sex toy. And when spring does arrive, safe sex is the way to go. Your ‘stuff’ is never too tight to contract chlamydia. Kisses. Ms K Rukun Kaul recently turned 28. In her free time, she rummages through the marital leads her parents forward her(in case her ovaries run dry and all). Her twitter handle is @rukunk. If you’ve got questions for her, please send an email to dontcallmeaunty@gmail.com.