Is this what single ladies were waiting for? A matrimonial channel

Just when I was losing hope of ever landing a man, I have spotted not one but two silver linings in those dark grey spinster skies. The gods are suddenly smiling down at me.

First up, I spotted an advertisement that offered to help me hone my wifely skills. The beautifully named Bridessential Course, promised to teach me everything a bride needs to know in 10 weeks. From handling and maintenance of kitchen equipment to meal planning. After all, the best way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. Unless he’s suffering from incontinence, of course. I would also learn party planning and everyday cooking, party cooking and festival cooking. Finally, I would know what to serve to my prospective husband on Karva Chauth.

And what’s the point of cooking well, if I look like a sweaty bawarchi? Chhee. So along with cooking, I would also learn Personal Grooming. Which includes everyday makeup, party makeup, saree draping, table “etiquettes” (because many etiquettes are better than one), table layouts and the most important skill of them all – napkin folding. My grandmother always told me, there’s nothing like a porpoise-shaped napkin at the dinner table to win your hubby’s heart.

Since just cooking and makeup isn’t going to get a good wife anywhere, the most important skills would be taught at the end. Cleanliness – because that, of course, is next to godliness and since pati is parmeshwar this can only bode well. And “bed laying”. I still don’t know whether this has a double meaning or not, but at least now that I’d laid my bed properly, I’d be able to lie in it.

Plus, since Indian summers are so, so terrible, all these skills would be taught in an air-conditioned class. I’d even get a starter kit. Of course I had to travel to Lucknow for 10 weeks, but maybe I’d be able to display my party cooking at Lucknow’s famous kebab shop, Tunde’s.

I knew I’d finally be ready to begin a new life. Of course, there was that clause that this was the essential course for all “young” brides-to-be. I didn’t notice a cut-off age for applications though, so I’m hoping I’ll be accepted.

But just in case I’m not, the lord god has another option for me — in the form of Shagun TV. India’s first matrimonial channel. So all I need to do is get the channel and I’m set.

According to the press note sent out by Shagun TV, which launches at midnight tonight, “the channel conceptualised, conceived and promoted by mediaman Anuranjan Jha, is said to be full of entertainment, fun and amusement related to matrimonial content. Shagun TV will have a programming-mix from across India, with shows related to wedding, astrology, relationships and shopping.

Some of the shows are Toh Baat Pakki, Gold n Beautiful, Janam Janam Ka Saath and Kundali Bol”. The catchphrase of the channel is “Shagun – Shaadi India Ki. India’s First Matrimonial TV Channel”.

Unable to contain my excitement, I had to check out the shows that would teach me about the world of marriage. And of all the promos, the one I loved the most was Zindagi Shaadi Se Pehle, Shaadi Se Baad. And Gold N Beautiful , which is hosted by a girl who looks like a Kabuki dancer with a bouffant.

I must admit, the channel’s promo is my favourite — because it features the “media man”, writing with a peacock feather and the bouffant girl. And it announces shows like Mere Jeevan Sathi, which is an interview show of couples. There’s the love horoscope programme - Janam Janam Ke Saath – and the very evocatively named, Shaadi Vyah Nikaah. The promo ends with Anuranjan Jha walking around like he’s torn between hosting Sansani on Zee and Seedhi Baat on Aaj Tak. I have to say though, that I was quite disappointed to see unknown models as hosts instead of the latest poster-children for happy albeit slightly black and blue marriages, Rahul Mahajan and Dimpy.

Since my cable provider doesn’t show Shagun TV, I have another option. I could log onto Shagun’s matrimonial website.   I’m opting for the Rs 7500 per year Platinum package, which will allow me to view unlimited profiles. But if you’re cheap, you can opt for the free package.

What won me over totally were the tags – “Bengali, Gujarati, Rajput, Christian, Parsi, Jain – Rich, Fair, Celebrity, Dentist.” I suppose since they’ve just started they haven’t developed tags for “Journalist, Dark, Not-So-Rich”. But all in good time. All excited about the rich, fair, celebrity bracket, I did click on the tags but there were no matches.

What I like is that this is a point in time when thanks to the media and entrepreneurs (like Masterchef India winner Pankaj Bhaduria, who’s set up the Bridessential Course, and the media man who’s set up Shagun TV), people like me finally have a 360 degree start-to-finish experience. Once I’ve watched the shows on Shagun TV and picked up tips on marriage, I can then fill up the forms on www.shagunindia.com . As I get a reply in the dark, not-so-rich, bawarchi-cum-journalist category, I can immediately register in the Bridessential Course and once I graduate at the top of the napkin folding class, I can give NDTV’s Band Baaja Bride a call. Band

Baaja Bride will then visit, pay for my trousseau and tell me how my eyebrows and maybe jaw are misaligned, pay for plastic surgery and show me being poked and prodded and injected with collagen on international TV – which, when you come to think of it, is a small price to pay for an hour on TV and a Sabyasachi lehenga. Good things do come to those who wait. All you poor sods who had to go and find your own husbands, pay for your own weddings and then hire maids to fold your napkins and lay your beds (and hopefully not in your beds), eat your heart out now. I will be taking a small hiatus while I put my plan into place. And don’t forget to keep a lookout for me on Zindagi Shaadi Se Pehle, Shaadi Se Baad.