Happy marriage = separate lives: The case against too much "togetherness"

“You should be careful. Men, when they’re left alone for too long, get lonely, restless,” counsels an aunt. Over the past three years, I’ve received numerous such warnings from friends, acquaintances, and relatives, each concerned about my long-distance marriage. The decision to live apart was forced by the usual burdens of aging parents. In my case, taking responsibility entailed relocating from the United States to Bangalore with our five-month-old baby. My husband is still looking for the right opportunity to move back.

It has not been easy, and there have been tears, frustration, and arguments – the usual drama of marital life except now conducted over Skype. And yet despite the lows and dire warnings, we’ve never once seriously worried about our 15-year-old marriage. It’s misplaced complacency, perhaps. Or maybe there is a huge upside to knowing how to be together, apart.

“My biggest shock is how many outwardly cheerful women who have been married forever think about divorce if not weekly, at least once a month,” writes Iris Krasnow , detailing the findings of her new book, The Secret Lives of Wives: Women Share What it Really Takes to Stay Married. The underlying cause for these divorce fantasies: “the grind of the ordinary,” “the subtle nuances of living with one person in one house for a very long time that grates at the soul, that causes a simmering malaise.”

In other words, couples get bored, with their lives, with each other. (While Krasnow didn’t talk to men, I suspect husbands are just as likely to feel the same.) Our parents took boredom in their stride: same job, same spouse, same daily routine, decades on end. We, however, are afflicted with the modern yearning for more. A reason perhaps why a number of my married 40-something friends (men and women) are on the prowl. They married young, kids are now growing up, and they think, as Krasnow describes it, “Is this all there is? I want more. I want adventure. I want change.”

Adultery, as always, neatly fills the bill.

None of this, however, is news. What is more interesting is Krasnow’s remedy to this malaise:

There are three strategies that have worked the best with the women I interviewed. The happiest wives have a sense of purpose and passion in work and causes outside of the home. Wives who counted on a spouse for fulfillment and sustenance were often angry and lonely. And the happiest wives don’t spend a whole lot of time with their husbands… Couples who allow each other to grow separately are the ones with the best chance of growing together and staying together. Finally, the wives with the highest marital satisfaction have a tight circle of wild women friends with whom to drink, travel and vent about their husbands.

A relationship needs to give both partners room to breathe, to just be – more so, if you plan to be together for 50-odd years. In the modern marriage, however, this space is an ongoing source of marital strife. She complains about his late, boozy nights with friends. He refuses to take charge of the household so she can head out the door alone. Each time a childhood friend makes plans to take on a part-time job or a holiday with friends, they never work out for the usual reason: “He can’t handle the kids.” Never mind that both boys are now way past their diaper days.

Everything gets more difficult once the kids come along. It’s hard enough to take that romantic, childfree getaway, leave alone head out for that girls/boys night out. More often, it’s domesticity not distance that kills marital bliss. We’re so busy juggling kids, household chores, and demanding jobs – which we need to fulfill our “responsibilities” – that carving out “me time” becomes a luxury. There’s even more pressure to head straight home after work. It becomes all about their vacation, their pleasure, their desires not yours. But all this dutiful drudgery takes its toll.

“I really want to do something for myself!” rises the inevitable wail. What we get in response, however, is the pressure to cede more of ourselves.

Feeling bored or restless in your marriage? The modern panacea for marital ills is to do everything together: find common hobbies, take romantic vacations, prioritise that “date night”. Relationship experts constantly harp on the importance of spending “quality” time together. Couples are made to feel guilty about any time — outside of work and the occasional stag night out — they spend seeking individual pleasure. Men are treated like children who “just need to grow up.” Women are shamed for socialising without their mates: “You never see her husband!”

Any sign of an independent life is interpreted as a sign of trouble – when it can instead be a sign of strength. Paul Newman spelled out the secret of his happy marriage loud and clear: “I’ve repeatedly said that for people who have as little in common as Joanne and myself, we have an uncommonly good marriage… Husbands and wives should have separate interests, cultivate different sets of friends and not impose on the other … You can’t spend a lifetime breathing down each other’s necks.”

My husband and I have always been too different, too independent to be a “togetherness couple”. When we lived together in the States, we hardly saw each other during the week, both of us busy with work and our own friends. Weekends instead were sacred “us” time. In some ways, my daughter and I do more together with him when he comes back for a long visit every three-four months. We appreciate each other more, and it’s more fun because we both make more of an effort. (The hazards of too much freedom do rear their ugly head, but sadly not as sexy affairs but squabbles over the right speed of the fan.)

There are couples who thrive on doing everything together. Others do not. But any marriage that doesn’t make room for the “I” within the “we” will likely go sour. And that requires offering trust, loyalty, and support for the other person’s desires, which is a whole lot harder than fooling around on the side.