Gay or straight, why we choose to suffer bad sex

By KM What is worse? No sex or bad sex. P and I spent an hour arguing over it as I sipped Old Monk (winter is coming) and she stuck to a glass of water. My dear friend P finally had sex after months. The girl can even give you dates of the last three encounters. “You should stop complaining about bad sex when most of us are hardly getting it,” was the crux of her of argument. Both of us are in our early 30s, single, had our share of heartbreaks. She is straight. I have been with guys for most of my active sexual life. The only major difference (apart from the gender and orientation) seems to be in the frequency of sexual escapades. It is not that she doesn’t want. It is not that I do not get it. And yet both of us are continuously cribbing about it. The grass is always greener on the other side. [caption id=“attachment_1753875” align=“alignleft” width=“380”]  Image used for representational purposes only. AFP.[/caption] At 30, the choice in front of me seems to be between random BAD sex and NO sex at all. So for a while (immediately after my first column ) I thought let me try the latter. I deleted the social media apps from my phones and decided to live a life of celibacy. Another friend (gay one), H, heard about it and had a hearty laugh. Recently out of a long distance relationship, H says gay men are obsessed with sex. “You wouldn’t be able to survive beyond a few days,” he challenged me. I was amused. I wondered why do we get so obsessed with sex to an extent that it doesn’t matter if we enjoy it or not? Is sex some kind of addiction, like food is for many? It doesn’t matter if you are eating good food or junk. Just as H predicted, I was back on the social media apps in less than a week. But meanwhile something else happened – offline. I met a 20-year-old who initially claimed to be straight and then announced he is bi-curious. He seemed to be into me, I found a youthful charm in him. What began as flirting through text messages, led to a drunken evening at Khan Market. Post that we were at my ex’s place, making out. He was a bit scared. No kissing, he specified. He has a girlfriend. I wondered what I was getting into. But there is also the thrill of doing something you are not supposed to. Next time we met, we gave it another shot. He seemed to be enjoying it. I didn’t! The same evening, an old friend T landed up. Unhappy with recent spurt of bad sex, I decided to give it a try with him as well. He was kind enough to oblige. But again, it wasn’t ‘satisfactory’. I wonder why I am going through this bad sex phase. For a man, who is obsessed with sex, the question that started haunting me was, am I looking for a possible emotional intimacy while having sex? Or people with I’m having sex lately are really bad at it? I doubt if the latter is true. (T is going to kill me if I claim he is bad at it!) So am I to believe my friend P when she says it might be a problem of the plenty. As we grow up – straight or gay – we are conditioned to believe that we are only to have sex with the ‘One’. When the One doesn’t come along, we seem to be having sex with everyone. Does the age catch up at one point and ask to select the One? Or am I reading just too much into it? But is there a danger in this good sex bad sex game? As bad sex is not necessarily bad company, good sex is not necessarily a sign for love. Is it? Some people say sex is an important component for a good relationship, other claim sex is not that important in a relationship. May be neither of them are incorrect. T, who claims to have been near to love only once in life, says he prefers to get over with sex at the first go and then work towards love. “Sex can be a distraction, so it is better to get done with before attempting anything else,” he tells me. T and I have had made out a few times but thankfully I never thought of him any else than a friend. With yet another friend S, it began as harmless flirtation, which soon became weekend sex. Then one fine day he said, “Stop!” His argument was we are good friends and sex just destroys that relationship. Of course there have been a few Hollywood films on the same theme, where we find the protagonists eventually falling in love. But S and I have continued to be friends. At times we do make out and the sex is indeed good! Meanwhile I did return to the social apps quicker than I thought and had a date last night. Sex wasn’t that bad. May be the bad sex phase is on its way out or this too is a phase.