Don't go there: The San Francisco edition

Most travel columns gush about all the places you should go to and the sights you should see. In Don’t Go There we tell you where NOT to go and what to skip. It’s summer in lovely San Francisco, and you and your Silicon Valley relatives are dutifully trudging from one must-see sight to another in the dismal chilly fog. The beauty by the bay has many gifts to offer— more so in the sunny, mild days of autumn than its so-called “summer”— but they don’t include some of its celebrated tourist attractions. The Golden Gate Bridge: It’s a bridge, and it’s bright orange. Yes, this man-made wonder is a sight to behold at sunset or in the early morning hours, but there’s little joy in making that obligatory trek up and down the bridge in the shivering cold. Opt instead for an evening ferry ride to Sausalito or just around the bay to savour the bridge as it is meant to be seen – from a great distance, preferably with a glass of wine in hand. [caption id=“attachment_13726” align=“alignleft” width=“380” caption=“Fisherman’s Wharf should not be on your list of must-see sights in San Franciso. Image: Justin Sullivan/Getty Images. “]  [/caption] Fisherman’s Wharf: If it ain’t crab season – or crustaceans are not high on your personal list of delicacies – don’t go there. Long lines of overpriced, tacky souvenir shops aren’t worth your time, neither is the over-hyped Ghirardelli Square. There is indeed a store that sells local chocolate in various forms, and it’s alright. But if you’re craving truly exceptional desserts, I suggest hauling ass to Citizen Cake in the Upper Fillmore or Range, an upscale Mission District eatery where one of the city’s most beloved pastry chefs, Michelle Polzine, holds court (options include bergamot and bittersweet chocolate soufflé with earl grey ice cream). Or try out one of the much-hyped boutique ice-creameries like Bi-Rite, Humphry Slocombe, Mr. and Mrs. Miscellaneous, or Mitchell’s instead. But be careful: One Mitchell’s sells ice-cream; the other sells lap dances. (On the other hand you can always pretend you were just looking for mango ice-cream if you are caught with a stripper on your lap.) Empress of China: Every major American city has one: a hole-in-the-wall restaurant with appallingly rude waiters who serve delicious food. This supposedly “hidden gem” eventually finds its way into every guidebook, luring hapless tourists with promises of gritty authenticity. Empress of China is not quite hole-in-the-wall. It’s on Grant Avenue—Chinatown’s main thoroughfare but it is SF’s version of this tourist trap. The food is mediocre, prices middling, but the service is indeed awful. If you are looking for great Chinese— unlikely if you prefer the desi iteration—  check out dives far away from the touristy Chinatown and go to the new Chinatown in the Richmond neighbourhood instead. Or better yet, head to the off-the-tourist-path Japantown for the best sushi money can buy. It’s made by Koreans, mostly but no matter. Redwood Room: We Indians have a weakness for super-expensive bars with celebrity credentials. Who cares if that mojito is $15 as long as we can drink it in the hallowed company of movie stars, socialites, and other card-carrying members of the local elite. The Redwood Room at the tony Clift Hotel will promise but rarely deliver. You are far more likely to find the likes of Sean Penn at Tosca’s up in North Beach. Then again, SF is not exactly a celebrity town. If you are content to mingle instead with well-heeled boys and girls out on the town, pick Americano’s on the Embarcadero on a Friday night. Other hip and happening picks: Bruno’s, Bar Agricole or Bix. Gaylords: Since Indians have a habit of looking for Indian food no matter where they go, just remember you cannot get sabji like mommy makes anywhere else in the world. Fabled restaurants like Gaylords and Maharani in San Francisco are still cashing in on Kamasutra-exotic ambience when it comes to Indian food. For a cheap Indian food fix check out the dhaba-style tandoori and saag paneer joints in the grubby Tenderloin aka Tandoorloin where even the panhandlers are starting to say Namaste. For more of a night out, there’s dosa in the Fillmore—  pricey dosas and more with cocktails, lounge décor and a real art on the walls not tacky prints of the Taj Mahal or apsaras.