Degrees of separation: a modern guide to living apart

What do Dimple Kapadia and Kanimozhi have in common? They are neither married nor divorced. They are instead “separated,” an amorphous marital limbo that has long enjoyed societal sanction as a comfortable solution to domestic woes. In a society where the D-word is taboo, a great number of couples stay officially married all their lives, even if they live separately, and even if one of them (typically the woman, usually in rural India) has no say in the matter. In a belated nod to this reality, the latest Census of India survey included ‘Separated’ as an option for indicating marital status for the first time ever. But even as the government has embraced the traditional definition of separation, its citizens have already moved on. In its 21st century incarnation, separation is a flexible one-size-fits-all option. It’s become as much a euphemism as its happier cousin, “We’re just friends’, covering a range of possibilities. Separation today can be geographic, sexual, or merely a lazy, amicable alternative to divorce. Living together, apart “Yes it’s hard but we make it work,” says a friend, describing her trans-Atlantic marriage that straddles two distant continents. “The hardest part is the all the grief I get from relatives: ‘How long can you two carry on like this?’; ‘how is he doing?’ It’s endless.” It’s been nearly three years since she moved back to Bangalore to take care of her mother, leaving her husband behind in Silicon Valley. “It’s been three years of feeling like a freak,” she laughs. Not quite a freak. Geographic separation is becoming increasingly common as modern professional lives pull couples apart. Mita and Abhijeet, for example, are a weekend couple. Busy and successful media professionals, they live and work in different cities, flying out to be with each other on weekends whenever possible. When Abhijeet moved to Bangalore a couple of years ago on a new assignment, Mita’s job kept her back in Mumbai. At that time, they were not entirely sure this arrangement would work. No longer. “It is not as if we saw too much of each other during the week anyway. With the pressures of work and travel in Mumbai, it was only in the weekends that we got time together,” says Abhijeet.“In fact, we communicate more now than we did when we lived together.” They pick up their phones to talk to each other more often during the day, and make time for those weekend trips. The time apart creates more personal space for each – like Abhijeet catching up on his reading – leaving them free to be truly together on the weekend. As geographic separations become more common, there is now even a handy acronym for it: LAT (Living Apart Together). One roof, separate beds Naina’s arranged marriage seemed just perfect - her husband was good looking and successful in his career, her parents were happy and most importantly, she liked him. And then she discovered that he was gay. Naina was shattered but did not walk out. Raised in a conservative family, she refused to cede the security of remaining married, even if only in name. Her husband too was not ready to admit his sexual preference openly. The couple eventually reached a compromise and now live together as friends. [caption id=“attachment_11019” align=“alignleft” width=“380” caption=“Couples in India often choose to stay together for a number of reasons such as money, family, children, etc. even if the marriage fails. Pal Pillai/AFP”] [/caption] What about couples who have decided not to remain married or have any physical or emotional relationship, but for practical reasons continue to stay together? It’s the modern, but friendlier version of those cold war marriages of yore. Most of us have relatives who live under the same roof – and for decades – without speaking a word to one another. One such couple in my family communicate entirely through their grown-up daughter; divorce has never been an option. This new incarnation also has its own acronym : SBLT (Separated but Living Together). “This is not an unusual story,” says Dr. Dayal Mirchandani, a Mumbai psychiatrist from Mumbai. Sexually or emotionally separated couples choose to live together, “especially for the sake of the kids, and in rare cases, the parents,” and to maintain status quo on the financial front. SBLT cases work only when the incentive to remain together is very strong. Ian Lewis, a Bangalore-based lawyer, describes a career-oriented couple who live under the same roof but have long been emotionally separated: “The multinational company the husband works for values stability on the home front and so they have been living this pretense for many years now, simply for the sake of his promotions at work.” Then there’s the case of a prominent builder in Bangalore; he and his wife lead totally separate lives. “It is no secret,” says Lewis, “that the wife has huge financial interests in his company and it is critical for them to stay married just to keep their taxes in control.” “It takes a high level of maturity to be in such a relationship and very few people have that," warns Lewis. Even if the husband and wife have both agreed to an ‘open relationship’, the fur often flies when other people enter the equation. According to Lewis, it’s sometimes just easier to call it quits and move on. Happily separated Pramila, a successful professional from Mumbai, left her marriage two years ago, but never got around to getting a divorce (sorry, no acronym for this yet). She and her sort-of ex-husband have been friends for over twenty years, since their college days. Neither the marriage – or its breakdown – has affected that relationship. “The separation has made it easier for us to be friends, enjoy each other’s interests, without expectations and conditions, and be there for each other if need be,” she says. They usually meet at least once a month to catch up over dinner or a drink. To her, a divorce is just a “legal document”, (so far) not worth the tedium of the legal process and paperwork. “You are either together or not and irrespective of whether you go legal, you are virtually separated if you decide to live apart,” she says. Of course, the reasons why other couples don’t divorce are quite as pleasant. “In India, it is tough to get a divorce unless both people agree. And sometimes, one of them does not, either for the sake of children or for fear of society or sometimes even sheer spite,” says Mirchandani. Pramila says there is no time and place for bitterness in her new life. But is it as easy as that? Or is Lewis right when he says separations based on pure goodwill – whether they entail living together or apart – are bound to falter sooner or later? In this murky, ambiguous world of modern relationships, the omniscient Facebook perhaps sums it up best. Relationship Status: It’s Complicated.

Degrees of separation: a modern guide to living apart

In its 21st century incarnation, separation is a flexible one-size-fits-all option for couples who are living apart, one way or the other.

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