Dear unhappy singletons, the Internet is your gateway to coupledom

Dear Ms K,

How can I get easily laid? I stay at Kottayam. Please help me!

Yours,

Easy-way-out

Dear Easy-way-out,

God only helps those who help themselves. Getting laid is a state of mind. Having said that, my cob webs sympathise with your Sub-Saharan state. Life is unfair that even your good looks can’t guarantee you steady sex. Not that I’m objectifying you, I’m merely talking about myself. And Kottayam or Kuala Lumpur, sexless-ness is not a city-bound curse. Just ask me, my youth has been going to waste since my undergrad days in Toronto to my coupledom days in Delhi. Who would’ve thunk that abstinence had a way of befriending you in relationships too?

“Maa, why is everybody having great sex but me?”

“Kyunki you’re unmarried and bhagwan mere saath hai.”

But since I’m paid to dole out advice, here goes. If you’re a man and the advertising industry is to be believed, then the latest aerosol deodorant’s got your back. If you’re a woman and the skincare industry is to be believed, your only hope lies in whitening that vagina. Honestly though, this is all crap. Just put on a British accent and pray for divine intervention.

Whatever you do, don’t make any promises of marriage to your partner when your only intent is become a member of the joy-luck-club. You’re going to pile on a lard of bad karma that way. Be yourself, lower your standards and join Twitter. Start with the Mumbai twitterati; share a bandcamp link of an obscure artist, top it up with an article from The AtIantic and watch your follower count increase. Simultaneously, start taking the conversations to Direct Messaging and casually throw in a, “Café au lait, chérie?”

Next steps: sign up on Tinder. Most people are on it to get laid so it makes the pretence less likely.

And unlike most other male-centric websites, I’m not going to tell you to start smelling like a musk melon in hopes of getting some. But I will suggest you put some effort in your display pic. Borrow a pair of converse shoes and wear your dad’s plaid with a pair of chinos. Now sepia tone it up. Seduction 101, uploaded.

There may be a dearth of shady clubs in your town and hence, beer goggles as a phenomenon could be at an all-time low. Fret not, that’s why god invented sites like Shaadi.com. While it serves its purpose for long term match-making, a lot of my friends swear by its hook-up potential. After the initial photo exchanges and hobby sharing talks, drop tow with a “What are you wearing right now?”

Note: being genuinely interested in the person often helps increase your chances of them putting out.

If nobody reciprocates and you’re still at ground zero, break that piggy bank and book yourself at the nearest massage parlour. You’ll have a happy ending and I’ll get to keep my job.

All in all, may the force be with you (and me). Because from what I hear, it’s all downhill after the sag.

Love,

Ms K

If you’ve got questions for Ms K, please send an email to dontcallmeaunty@gmail.com.