After the Mumbai meat ban, here are a few things the ban police can turn their attention to

Ban is the new black. At least for several babus in civic bodies, government, political and religious groups whose sole business is to bother the day lights out of civilians. After the country lost Maggi and porn temporarily, they ban-gang has now set its eye on meat in Mumbai, albeit for four days. Since coming up with a different ban idea every month seems like a tedious job, we decided to help out the ‘ban-gang’ and come up with a few suggestions for what should be next on the hit-list. So if they are listening, here are five things we suggest that should be banned next. Shouting in Parliament [caption id=“attachment_2426972” align=“aligncenter” width=“825”]  Representational image. PTI[/caption] There’s this bunch of human beings in a big room. They yell, don’t let others talk, shout some more, bang the desks, rush into the aisles, scream out sometimes and basically account for almost 50% of Delhi’s noise pollution.   Wait no, stop rolling your eyes at the kindergarten schools. We were talking about the Indian Parliament. Now who likes bawling, screaming children? Not everyone. Who likes bawling, screaming adults? No one. That’s also going to be a zero-hassle ban! No community, except the minuscule one we are planning the ban on, will be disagree. So here’s to the most popular ban that can ever be - banning shouting in the Parliament! Deo ads that promise you sex [caption id=“attachment_2426976” align=“aligncenter” width=“825”]  Representational image. Screengrab from a deo ad.[/caption] Find us a man who got laid because of the deo he was wearing, we will find you a Tyrannosaurus Rex. The deo is perhaps one of most gender equal products we have in the world. It doesn’t discriminate and blocks body odour in case of both men and women. However, the commercials that aim to sell deos and exactly the opposite of the product - sexist and foolish. They suggest that women will jump across buildings to throw themselves at you if you are wearing a good deo. They say that the moment you put on a deo, you turn into a bar of chocolate and women into zombies craving for your butt. What if some men have invested in deos thinking that will turn their sex lives (or the lack of them) around. Imagine the disappointment they have had to face. How about a ban on these ads? Image Forwards on whatsapp [caption id=“attachment_2426978” align=“aligncenter” width=“825”]  Representational image. Getty Images[/caption] ‘Good morning’ with the face of a drooling baby. ‘Happy Weekend’ with a plate of samosas. “It’s Monday again” with crying baby. “Sweet Dreams” with a sleeping fairy. If you are part of any Whatsapp group with diverse people, be it your school or family, you’ll know exactly how the above messages look like - fonts meant for a child’s storybook with pictures of babies, flowers, samosas, fairies and multicoloured hearts. Those are the kind of messages that make credit card bill payment reminders and account balance reminders towards the month-end seem palatable. They are wasting internet space, making you hate people and babies and have no business existing. Ban them. Now! Usage of Lol in everyday conversation [caption id=“attachment_2427010” align=“aligncenter” width=“825”]  Representational image. Reuters[/caption] “Did you see Welcome Back?” LOL! “Check out Sonam Kapoor’s TL” LOL! “What did you eat for breakfast?” LOL! You get the drift… LOL is no longer ‘Laugh out loud’, it seems to have become both a punctuation, a written manifestation of shrug and a replacement for actual laughter. And it is more annoying than Donald Trump and Roadies put together. Hence we propose a ban on the use of ‘LOL’ in any conversation, written or verbal, and suggest that you either laugh out loud or tell the opposite person that they are just not funny. Misplaced hashtags [caption id=“attachment_2426996” align=“alignleft” width=“825”]  Representational image. Getty Images[/caption] #Guess #what #hashtags #dont #work #like #this Hashtags are supposed to be recognized key words or phrases that become a hyperlink which will enable you to search or collate information about a particular topic. So #I #ate #cake #today #with #my #friends doesn’t serve any purpose while #meatban #pornban #beefban #Maggiban do.   And oh, those #loveydovey, #blingbling #gigglegiggle #chompchomp #mybaby #myhubby words should never see light of the world. A perfectly pleasant place like Instagram becomes and irritant with such nonsensical hashtags floating around. Ban police, pay attention please?