Yudh recap: Thank god , Big B and Anurag Kashyap that it's over

What happens when you have friends with deep pockets, consider yourself to be the left gonad of Ridley Scott and are friends with the last king of Bollywood? You make yourself a five-week long, 20-hour extravaganza that will supposedly change the face of Indian television as we know it. I must confess that till the last minute of the last episode of Yudh, I held out hope that something revolutionary was actually in the offing. And here’s what I discovered. Women are good for nothing. Multiple murderers, wife beaters, scheming relatives, plotting politicians and nefarious Naxals are shown conspiring against Yudh and his company and working towards his downfall. But who turns out to be the most cruel of them all and the mastermind of masterminds? His daughter Taruni’s boyfriend, Ajatshatru (Avinash Tiwari). [caption id=“attachment_1669037” align=“alignleft” width=“380”]  Courtesy: ibn live[/caption] If it wasn’t for Taruni (Aahana Kumra) introducing him to Yudh, he would have never got access to Yudh and therefore not been able to plot his murder. Bottom line: no good can come from women choosing their romantic partners themselves. This show is by far the worst advertisement for women I have seen. They’re shown as hysterical, screaming, scheming, insecure and ultimately requiring a man to save them. Clownish dwarves will save the world. How does Yudh manage to get the better of Ajatshatru? By reasoning with him? By arguing with him? No. By pretending he’s actually speaking to his dwarf-cum-clown friend but actually narrating to Ajatshatru (Avinash Tiwari) – and by extension, us the audience – a long-winded explanation of his involvement in Ajatshatru’s parents’ deaths. Throughout this 15-minute long scene, Bachchan pretends to be speaking to an imaginary person. Ajatshatru (who has been shown to be a cold-blooded serial killer) decides to be patient and listen to what Yudh is saying. Because that’s what psychopaths do: politely listen to a man babbling to an imaginary dwarf clown. See, how easy it would have been to get the better of Ted Bundy. Amitabh is still Shahenshah. We saw him as Shahenshah, with a grey metal arm plate. Decades later, it’s like he’s traded the arm plate for a metal gray wig. Nothing can kill him. Yudh is 70, has a life-threatening disease and can’t control emitting globules of spit while emoting. But a cement rod thrown at his skull, running all over a construction site in a double-breasted suit and dealing with a manic killer can’t keep him down. He’s still going strong. Throwing a punch here, running at the speed of light there, and ultimately saving the day. Product placement makes Yudh go round. And pays cheques. All through the entire last episode, what grabs your attention other than the poor screenplay, is the product placement for Ultratech Cements. Everywhere you look, strategically placed hoardings and sacks branded with Ultratech Cements are visible. I’m just thankful they didn’t have Aishwarya and Abhishek Bachchan cooking food in a Prestige pan in the distance. This was Nawazuddin Siddique and Kay Kay Menon’s punishment posting. Why would Siddique agree to play a five-minute role as a machine gun-wielding maniac in the last week of the show? Ditto for Kay Kay Menon, who must have been on screen for a total of 15 minutes of the 40-hour extravaganza. The only explanation for Siddique agreeing to this is that this was what he had to do to get a role in Anurag Kashyap’s next film. And speaking of Kashyap, he really should stick to directing and writing tomes on how he is not a feminist, instead of trying to act. Worst climax ever. I did a dipstick among a group of family and friends and asked them whether they had realised when the show concluded. No one did. We are first taken through one of the weirdest fight scenes ever. Taruni gets shot, then moves in slow motion and finally loses her grip on the bit of floor to which she’s hanging on. Does she die? No. Because miracle of miracles, right beneath her lies the clearest pool of water present in Mumbai (whoops sorry, I meant Filmistan, dressed up to look like Delhi). Not only is there a crystal clear pool of water, it’s also deep enough for her to dive into and float. The last scene shows Yudh’s hand reaching for hers. God and Anurag Kashyap work in mysterious ways. (But it was good to note that Bachchan had exercised his right to vote, going by the black mark on his fingernail). All in all, I’d advise Mr Bachchan to stick to Kaun Banega Crorepati and Karan Johar’s films. They make far more sense and are far less trying on the audience.