Why Aamir Khan, Sonam should feature in World's Sexiest Celeb list

Every year, Inter-poll, the world’s largest polling agency, conducts a survey on the World’s Most Sexist celebrities. It’s significant, because it is a list that usually features all of India’s politicians and there has only been one other occurrence of this phenomenon in history: when Buzzfeed did a piece on “245 people who look like nankhatai.”

Topping the list this year, were - wait. This can’t be right. Benedict Cumberbatch is a nice guy… Got it, got it. Empire magazine’s list is about SEXIEST celebs and not SEXIST celebs, which is why Emma Watson and Benedict Cumberbatch appear to have topped it. Also presumably because they’re British and Empire is a British magazine, which makes me glad that it wasn’t Bhojpuri or you’d have to look at blown-up photos of Ravi Kissen twerking.

Now, nothing against Benedict Cumberbatch and Emma Watson, who are both fine specimens of sexy celebrity. Cumberbatch, despite his startling resemblance to an otter, has eyes so piercing, he has the power to turn women to Spongebob Squarepants. Plus, he’s said “My name is Khan”, which is, as all of us acquainted with Bollywood know, is the surest way to superstardom. Watson made a half-decent Hermione Granger and from what I hear, sent many of my male friends crashing headfirst (like Besharam at the box office) into puberty. While she began her career as a frizzy-haired kid, by the time Harry Potter ended, Watson was all woman. As proof of this, she even had a wardrobe malfunction at one of the premieres.

However, I feel many deserving candidates have been sidetracked simply because they weren’t British or entirely human. For example, did you know that Yoda has featured in the hit song, “Sarkailo khatiya Jedi laage” and is known as the NaMo of the Galactic Republic because of his dishy sex appeal to the wymmenfolk? (Except because it’s Yoda, he’s known as the MoNa of the Galactic Republic.)

So, in order to restore balance in the universe, here’s my list of the grossly-ignored World’s Sexiest.

World’s Sexiest Dwarf: Aamir Khan World’s Sexiest House-Elf: Baa from Kyunki Saans Bhi Bahu Thi World’s Sexiest were-creature: Nicki Minaj (half human/ half My Little Pony) World’s Sexiest earbud: Miley Cyrus World’s Sexiest Cryogenics Experiment: Rekha World’s Sexiest Mannequin: Nargis Fakhri World’s Sexiest Platypus: Sonam Kapoor World’s Sexiest Centaur: Pooja Bedi World’s Sexiest Column: This one

And with that, I’ve restored the balance in the universe and saved the world from extinction. When Batman did this in The Dark Knight Rises, he was given Catwoman and a holiday in Florence. All I ask for is Benedict Cumberbatch in character as Sherlock, wrapped in his bedsheet, chastising me for giving undue focus to something as silly as a World’s Sexiest list in his liquid baritone. And I can smugly reply, “At least I know what the Interpoll is."