Who's who in Bigg Boss 7: An ultimate guide to the contestants

 By Bodhisatwa Dasgupta

Yes, I watch Bigg Boss. What’s more, I like it. So much so in fact, that I’ve preponed my dinner time from 9PM to 8:30. Stopped entertaining guests. And pretty much stopped working nights.

I’m hooked on to the damn thing not because I think this entire rigmarole is real. It’s not. If you know anyone in the production/directing business, you’ll know that most of these shows are more or less scripted.

Normal human reactions are hardly TRP fetching, after all.

No, I like Bigg Boss because of the characters. Because each one of them is – a character. So, for the uninitiated, the unexposed, and unlearned, a beginners guide to the characters in the Hilarious House of Horrors.

Tanisha with the extra a

What seemed to be a firm head on a pair of shoulders actually turned out to be a punching bag for Armaan. Again, with an extra a.Divine co-incidence? Tanishaa would certainly think so. Because here’s the deal. Either she’s gone wobbly kneed for him, or he knows a secret of hers.Because there’s no other reason, at least from what I can fathom, as to why she behaves like a doormat for him. He screams at her (he does that a lot, to everyone around) He tells her to get lost. He tells her not to talk to him. And she still begs him not to misunderstand her. That’s Tanishaa, middle name –self respect for you.

VJ Andy also known in smaller circles as Anand Vijay Kumar From what I can tell, he’s a bit of a (pardon my language) pussy. The dude keeps crying. And especially close to cameras. Strategic planning? You would think so, wouldn’t you, you skeptic goat? Andy is fun at times, a complete piss off at other times. If you watch him in slow mo, he looks like a goldfish. If you can get past his high pitch voice that has shattered many a wine glass (no doubt), and the days when he appears in skin fitting tights (and his many boobs bouncing about) he’s a pretty fun guy.

Gauahar Khan

At the risk of getting beaten with a belt (and not in a good way) and not getting any action in the foreseeable future from the wife, I’m just going to go ahead and say she’s my favourite. And that has nothing whatsoever to do with how she plays the game. The woman’s hot. There’s no denying it. She cooks great too, from what I can tell. Can dance, so yay. And to top it all, she talks with irrefutable logic. When Kushal was asked by Bigg Boss to leave because he was ‘aggressive’, she pointed out that Armaan was aggressive too. And on a daily basis. To which Bigg Boss hummed and hawed and hadfugaraty to say.

Ratan

Maybe it was the name. Maybe it was the way she walked. But Ratan always reminded me a rat. In a cute way. She was this tiny thing scampering about generally being sweet. A bit like Jerry. As far as I recall, she didn’t indulge much in backbiting and abusing. And thus, she left.

Apurva

The most vivid memory I have of Apurva was when Kushal was trying to scale the wall and leave, and Apurva (the then ‘Captain’ of the house) was shouting into the microphone, begging Bigg Boss to intervene. Something to the effect of “Bigg Boss, aap please kuch ki jiye. Please. Please. Please.” Appu, as he was fondly known was otherwise a sweet dude. He appeared harmless, and not exactly a threat. But then it’s hard to be a threat when you have a Mohawk for a hairdo.

Shilpa

I don’t even remember her. Who was she? Probably knocked out in the first week itself. Which is just sad.

Hazel Ditto for her.

Kamya

For some strange reason, Kamya seems to be PMSing through the entire show. It’s hard to catch her smile. What makes things worse is her teacher-like spectacles. She comes across as a woman who means business. Even if the business, in this particular case is printing fake money for their luxury budget. Gauahar and Kamya never got along. Which was fun to see. One almost expected a mud fight to break out. Anyway, whadyaknow – they’re best friends now. To know how that happened, tune into Fox Television. They have an enlightening show called ‘What’s with Indian women’, where they try and unravel the mystery that is the woman’s head.

Kushal

Tweety (notice his pouty lips in every frame?) was a pain in the ass ever since he entered. And that was his USP. He’s this spoilt brat who wants things his way. And when he can’t have it his way, he runs to Mommy Gauahar. And Mommy Gauahar, in her lovely throaty voice consoles him, and does an imaginary ‘dhaap!’ to anyone who’s hurt her poor boy. Mostly, it’s everyone. Kushal is the boy who called wolf. In the first week, he wanted a razor because he had to look good on national television. If he didn’t get one, he’d walkout. Sometime later, he wanted Tanishaa out. If that didn’t happen, he’d walk out. Finally I think everyone just had enough of him, including Gauahar.

Rajat

Didn’t have much impact on the show I think, apart from drawing pity from everyone who pretended they were genuine with concern. As far as I can remember, he came to the show promising himself and his son that he’d lose weight by the time the show was over. Didn’t appear to lose much. Which is fine. What he lost however, were votes when he started that farce over not eating or drinking anything.

Eli Avram

She’s a cute one, this Eli. Acts particularly cute and coy and speaks in more broken hindi (if that’s possible) than she knows when is spoken to by Salman. Till date, I’ve never seen her being political about anyone, never seen her actively take part in ripping someone apart. She’s the quintessential sweet one who means no one no harm. Wonder how long she’ll survive here.

Sangram

He’s the local flavor in the show. He does yoga, can do handstands and sing English songs. Sangram plays it safe. He’s on nobody’s team, and he’s on everybody’s team. He’s nobody’s enemy and everyone’s friend. Perhaps he’s genuinely an uncomplicated person. Perhaps he’s just playing it safe so he survives. Who knows? But whatever it is, it seems to be working, because the bugger has never been nominated to leave the house yet. Pratyusha

I usually have a gentle corner in my living room reserved for bongs. But I’m going to make an exception here. I don’t know what she brings to the proverbial table apart from that silly dance of hers in the morning. It’s no secret that she’s Kamya’s bitch. She does, what Kamya says. The only time she did talk, was when she accosted Andy for insinuating she was a slut. And when Andy fired back saying ‘I din meeen it like dat. Wuz ornly jaokin’, she immediately cowered behind Kamya. Great friendships are born out of this house of horrors. Armaan

The typical Indian male that we so often write about, and script out. The stereotype that shouts, disrespects women, gets physical, throws plates around when he’s not adequately fed, spits filthy abuses. And still holds a significant place in the household. For some strange, unexplainable reason everyone seems to be scared of Armaan’s anger. And if rumour is to be believed, mothers in remote Jharkand have started telling their children to go to sleep. Or Armaan will come and call you names. For someone who abuses for breakfast, lunch, tea and dinner, the dude takes it pretty personally when someone abuses him. Funny chap.

Anita

I remember her, but vaguely. She seemed nice, in an old aunty kind of way. Didn’t fit in at all, with the rest of the circus. Walked about in a dignified manner, and spoke softly. And we all know what happens to people who speak softly, don’t we? Right, they get voted out.

Asif

Another hilarious dude. Good looking, absolutely Greek God stuff. With his mouth closed. As soon as he opens it, out pours the trash. I think he said something particularly funny to Gauahar when he first came in. Something to the effect of ‘you’re very hote, yada yada yada. I can flirting very well, yada yada yada.” To which, I think Gauahar smiled. And Kushal sulked. Anyway, this ramp guy got on everyone’s rump and after a brief and unfruitful stay which consisted mainly of trying to steal Gauahar away from Kushal, left.

Viveik

If memory serves correct, he was there for exactly a week. Like monsoon in Delhi, he came and went before we knew what was what. Most unexciting.

Candy

Haven’t formed any ill-based opinion on her as yet, but feverishly working on it. She’s a new entry, so cut me some slack.

Ajaz

A good looking dude, who’s watched Munnabhai a little too many times. And Godfather. And Don. And any gangsta movie. But for all his roadside antics, he’s the only guy who stands up to that monster Armaan. The thing with Armaan is, he can’t really talk. He just shouts childish nonsense like “DON’T TALK TO ME.” Fortunately, Ajaz can’t talk much too. So it’s entertaining to watch these two bark at each other. A lot like Calcutta cabbies. They’ll scream at each other the entire day, saying macho things like “Ei! Mere debo kintu!” And the other guy saying “Ekdom haar tulbi na. Khoonkore rekho debo.” After hours of threatening each other with death, the sun sets, and they go off together to share a cup of tea in an earthen pot. Perhaps when Bigg Boss is over, Ajaz and Armaan will do the same.

Sofia

Okay, just so there’s no confusion. Eye job. Nose job. Lip job. Cheek job. Butt job. So far, her job at the house has consisted mainly of taking care of vulnerable little Andy. Both of them gasp and ‘oh no!’ and ‘toldyaso’ and ‘wha-eva’ about other people in the house. They make a cute pair.

So that’s that. That’s Bigg Boss for you. As for who’s going to win this charade, my money is on Sangram. I like people who can stand on their heads.

Bodhisatwa, or Bodhi as he is fondly known in the advertising circus is an obsessive, compulsive writer. When he’s not writing ads for a target audience he hasn’t met, he’s writing the first line of books that he won’t write. And when he’s not writing that, he’s writing about irrelevant things that have no implication in the macrocosm of things. Bodhi hates long words. Like obituary. And when the time is ripe, he’ll write his own, thank you very much.