'Welcome despicable, spoilt brats': Amy Poehler, Tina Fey's last Golden Globes opening speech was epic

FP Editors

Jan 12, 2015 15:10:09 IST

It's the last time we're going to have the delight of watching Tina Fey and Amy Poehler host the Golden Globes, and the ladies gave a crackling opening dialogue as their adieu set. Here's a transcript of the 10-minute opening that kicked off the Golden Globes awards show this year. Fey and Poehler praised, offended and took on everyone from George Clooney to Bill Cosby. Read on.

Tina Fey (TF): Good evening and welcome you bunch of despicable, spoilt minimally talented brats.

Amy Poehler
(AP): We are so happy to be here and hosting the 72nd and final Golden Globe awards.

TF: Tonight we celebrate all the television shows we know and love, as well as all the movies that North Korea was ok with.

Welcome despicable, spoilt brats: Amy Poehler, Tina Feys last Golden Globes opening speech was epic

Reuters

AP: That's right. The biggest story in Hollywood this year was when North Korea threatened an attack if Sony Pictures released The Interview, forcing us all to pretend we wanted to see it.

TF: North Korea referred to The Interview as absolutely intolerable and a wanton act of terror. Even more amazing: not the worst review the movie got.

AP: So who's here tonight, Tina? So many great stars!

TF: Oprah is here. She's put a cranberry candle under all of your seats.

AP: Reese Witherspoon is here, so great in the movie, Wild. She did all of her own walking. So brave! And Andy Serkis was great as her backpack.

TF: JK Simmons is here, or as Matthew McConaughey calls him, "Just Keep Simmons." Christoph Walts and Amy Adams are here. They were so great in Big Eyes.

AP: Oh, in fact, one of those famous big eyes paintings is on display tonight.

[CUT TO EMMA STONE.]

TF: It's cute, but it's creepy.

AP: And the eyes do follow you. Patricia Arquette is here, so wonderful. So, so wonderful in the film Boyhood. Boyhood proves there are still great roles for women over 40 as long as you get hired when you're under 40.

TF: Joaquin Phoenix is nominated for Inherent Vice, but obviously he isn't here tonight because he has said publicly that awards shows are total and utter bullsh— oh hey, Joaquin! There you are!

[CUT TO JOAQUIN PHOENIX, WAVING. HE BLOWS A KISS TO THE STAGE.]

AP: Steve Carell is here tonight, for Foxcatcher. In Foxcatcher, Steve Carell plays a paranoid, murderous billionaire. The role was a stretch for Carell who in real life is a paranoid, murderous millionaire.

[CUT TO STEVE CARELL.]

TF: Steve Carell's Foxcatcher look took two hours to put on, including his hairstyling and make up. Just for comparison, it took me three hours today to prepare for my role as human woman.

AP: Frances McDormand is here. Frances, can I just say, I love you? You are the only person in this room that I would save in a fire.

TF: Julia Louis Dreyfuss is here, 'cause she's obsessed with me. We're not friends.

AP: Jennifer Aniston is here tonight for the film Cake. We should explain to all the people in the room, the Hollywood people, cake is like a fluffy dessert that people eat on their birthdays.

TF: And birthdays are a thing people celebrate when they admit that they have aged. You know what else is weird? So many British actors played Americans this year.

AP: And I for one don't mind it. I love the sound of a British actor doing an American accent. [DEEPENS VOICE, ENUNCIATES AND SPEAKS SLOWLY] "I like when they talk like this. I can't tell that they're British when they're speaking in our movie parts."

Wes Anderson is here tonight, for The Grand Budapest Hotel. Per usual, Wes arrived on a bicycle made of antique tuba parts.

TF: George Clooney married Amal Alamuddin this year. Amal is a human rights lawyer who worked on the Enron case, was an advisor to Kofi Annan regarding Syria, and was selected for a three-person commission investigating rules of war violation in the Gaza Strip. So tonight, her husband is getting a lifetime achievement award.

AP, TF: Hollywood, Hollywood.

AP: Of course, George Clooney is here to receive the prestigious Cecil B de Mille Lifetime Achievement Award. Or is he? He's pranking a lot of people for 25 years. Maybe we're about to be Cecil be de Burnt?
Since this is the last time we're hosting, Tine and I wanted to very quickly play one of our favourite games.

TF: Amy and I have been friends for almost 50 years and the secret of our long-lasting friendship is that we have absolutely no overlap in our taste in men.

AP: No, we never think the same man is attractive and we'll prove it right now by doing what you're all doing at home: playing a game of Who Would You Rather? So, real quick...

TF: So, would you rather Colin Farrell or Colin Firth?

AP: Ok. Farrell, all day.

TF: Firth, for a polite amount of time.

AP: Tina, next: Ed Norton or Mark Ruffalo?

TF: Which one was the Hulk?

AP: Both of them.

TF: Shoot. Ok, I'll take Norton, 'cause he's like method and he could act like he was into it.

AP: I'll take Mark because everybody knows I like a Ruffalo. Chris Pine or —

TF: [LEANING INTO THE MIC] Chris Pine. I'm sorry, was that too loud?
Richard Linklater or Alejandro Inarritu?

AP: Mmm. I'm going to say Inarritu: one take, two hours straight, no stopping.

TF: Linklater: five minutes once a year.

[CUT TO RICHARD LINKLATER WHO DOES A THUMBS UP]

AP: But you know, let's talk about these great movies. The Theory of Everything, a wonderful movie this year. It combines the two things that audiences love: a crippling nerve disease and super complicated math.

TF: Selma: in the 1960s, thousands of black people from all over America came together with one common goal — to form Sly and the Family Stone. But the movie Selma is about the American civil rights movement that totally worked and now everything's fine. Gone Girl was a real big hit this year.

AP: See I didn't like Gone Girl. I go to the movies to escape. I don't wanna just see myself up there on the screen.

TF: You know, Tyler Perry was so good in Gone Girl that he has been asked to write and direct a sequel called, "Girl I Thought You Were Gone."

AP: Into the Woods stars Meryl Streep. Meryl plays a witch who sends the townspeople on a magical quest to collect the items she needs to win another Golden Globe.

TF: Amy, you ever done any Sondheim?

AP: [IN A SINGSONG VOICE] No, I haven't. But I could. Anybody caaan.

TF: Into the woooooods!

AP: In Into the Woods, Cinderella runs from her prince, Rapunzel is thrown from a tower for her prince, and Sleeping Beauty just thought she was getting coffee with Bill Cosby.

TF: I don't know if you saw this on the news today, but Bill Cosby has finally spoken out about the allegations against him. Cosby admitted to a reporter, "I put the pills in the people. The people did not want the pills in them."

AP: No, Tina. Hey, that's not right. It's more like, "I got the pills in my bathrobe, but I put 'em in the people."

TF: You're right. It's gotta be like, "I put the pills in the hoagie."

AP: That's it. That's fair. But finally, let's talk about television.

TF: Oh, I'm being told we're running out of time. Our apologies, television. You got bumped.

Updated Date: Jan 12, 2015 15:12:46 IST