The Vatican Tapes review: Another demon, another possession, another yawn

Mark Neveldine, director of The Vatican Tapes, is one half of the Neveldine/Taylor duo that brought us some of the craziest cult favorite films, like the Crank series and Gamer. In a perfect world, The Vatican Tapes would have been a fun subversion of the possessed girl genre, with thrilling and original scares. But this is not a perfect world and The Vatican Tapes is a tedious watch. It’s become Hollywood formula now –make crappy low budget horror films and market the hell out of them in the hope that they make ten times their budget. This is the only reason films like The Vatican Tapes, the Poltergeist remake, The Gallows and Jessabelle keep popping up. If you cast a recognizable name with some genuine acting know how, people will flock to the theater expecting at least a decent story. [caption id=“attachment_2373472” align=“alignleft” width=“380”]  The Vatican Tapes. Twitter @DailyDeadNews[/caption] The Vatican Tapes follows the formula to the hilt. Yet again we have a teenage girl (Olivia Dudley) who starts off as chirpy but slowly shows signs of strange behaviour. She first has a bus accident after a bird slams into a window. Then a priest (Michael Pena) takes special interest in her after meeting her at the hospital. Then she wakes up from a coma and begins behaving like – you guessed it – she’s possessed by a demon. Throw in a conspiracy theory attached to the Vatican and their unholy activities, and you have a zinger. Not to mention the standard order exorcism scene in which the priest is first scared by the demon, but eventually overpowers it. A possession film is allowed to be clichéd because there are limited new options and an unlimited supply of Hollywood laziness, but what is not forgivable is a horror film not being scary. The Vatican Tapes follows the tiresome jump scare model where you’re made to wait through a long-winded, silent scene that suddenly ends with a bang. There’s no ingenuity or finesse, which is surprising given Neveldine’s history of playing with the camera. The connection forced with the Vatican is laughable at best as is the cheaply produced CGI. There’s a scene in which the girl destroys a building with fire that is supposed to be an epic moment, but only leaves the audience chuckling. The characters are all bland and also predictably stupid. Dudley is the exact same teenager found in countless movies – the adorable damsel in distress making twisted faces because of a demon yanking her soul. The film is audacious enough to tease at a sequel at the climax, promising an all out war between Beelzebub and the Vatican. If it is actually greenlit, perhaps the filmmakers could explore the option of making it an intentional comedy.