The promos of Krrish 3 can cause brain-hernia

I had the misfortune of watching Gravity in IMAX 3D and a song from Krrish 3, which has lyrics like “You’re my love, you’re my dove, you’re my cuddly pudding pie” in the same week. The resulting highs and lows experienced by my brain were so extreme that it tried to escape through my ears – a condition I have since diagnosed as ‘brain-hernia’ (patent pending).

Apparently, a symptom for brain-hernia is a wish for even more brain-hernia, because before I knew it, I had checked out all that Krrish 3 has to offer on YouTube and now I’m basically walking around with an empty skull, using it as a bowl to gather the money people throw at me as I wander around singing God, Allah aur Bhagwan.

Speaking of G, A and B, rumour has it that the three of them met a few days ago, and this is what transpired:

God: Guys, help me draw up this press release debunking the Morgan Freeman theory once and for all.

Allah: I am not helping you until you promise that you’ll make them bring Abu Nazir back on Homeland.

Bhagwan: Screw that. Check this video. It’s addressed to all three of us.

(five minutes later)

ALL: Computerji. “Incinerate Earth” sequence ko lock kiya jai.

And thus, the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse came riding down the streets of Mumbai, where they ran afoul of Cheetahwoman, Antman, Rhinoman and Striker (mutants from Krrish 3, for the uninitiated), took one look at them and literally died laughing, thus averting the end of the world. (I am guessing Striker is Striker and not Toadman because then he would’ve been too obviously copied from X-Men, and you know the Roshans, they are nothing if not subtle.)

I’m now going to say what everyone has thought – Krrish 3 is what you get when you try to turn Kangana Ranaut’s accent into a movie. It is so utterly downmarket that even Mallika Sherawat refused to promote it on The Bachelorette, citing “creative differences” and “Why didn’t you cast Rahul Gandhi as villain to make Narendar Modiji heppy?” as reasons.

The costumes are an eyesore, the production values can’t be told apart from a barf bag, and the songs sound like they are better off as polyphonic ringtones, especially that noxious Tu Hi Bata number where Alisha Chinai’s voice overpowers you like too much wasabi and Kangana’s bangs are distinctly seen channelling Spock.

Once again, Bollywood has decided that it is too lazy to be original and created a product that looks like one of those old-school ransom letters made from alphabets cut out of magazines, except this one’s a movie and if the promo material is any indication, it’s a, erm, “tribute” to Spiderman/ Superman/ X-Men/ Avengers/ Godzilla/ Power Rangers/ Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles/ Super Commando Dhruv/ Rajnikant and whatever else they could get their hands on.

Having found these sources of inspiration, the film proceeds to sprinkle liberal amounts of tackiness on all the proceedings, proving that our beloved film industry can’t even copy right (you see what I did there?).

All I’m saying is this: guys, brain-hernia is a real thing, so beware. If at any point while watching Krrish 3 you find grey matter leaking out of your nostrils, make like Rakesh Roshan’s speediest character and bhaag Arjun. Bhaag!