Thanks Bigg Boss for 10 lessons on how to get filthy famous

All those who say Bigg Boss is just nonsense tripe, bottom of the scum-pool grade-D reality television – go suck an egg. If you watch carefully, you can actually learn some life lessons from the show — as I discovered, by watching just this week’s show. Here are the things I learnt about How To Get Filthy Famous In Rising Reality Television Programming.

**1.**It is absolutely A-1 cool to prance around in, and display, your best friend’s lingerie to groups of people. Especially if your best friend is a female super-model (just being clear about the “female” bit, because you never know nowadays) and you’re a male non-super model. This will get you requisite TRPs and make you the centre of attention. Andy – 1, Gauhar - 0.

**2.**Then if you’re shouted at for crossing all lines of decency, immediately become penitent, claim innocence and play up the fact that you’re much-wronged because people have no sense of humour and make way too much of personal space and privacy. Andy – 1, Gauhar – 0.

**3.**Keep repeating the fact that you’re gay, sometimes bisexual, so not really a threat to women nor looking at them in a sexual manner. After establishing this over many episodes, tell a 22-year-old contestant (who is half your age and seems to be half your intellect as well) that you know what goes down at parties she goes to where you’re sure she gets drunk and insinuate that she has little orgies. So what if she cannot spell orgy, she’ll get the gist. Once again, this will get you requisite TRPs and make you the centre of attention. Andy – 1, Pratyusha – 0.

4.Repeat point 2.

**5.**When held by the scruff of your neck by female super model’s burly besotted boyfriend, look like you just crapped your pants and start crying soon after. Because having someone grab the scruff of your neck is much worse than slandering someone half your age or prancing around in public with burly boyfriend’s pretty girlfriend’s lingerie.

**6.**Make sure you push forward every stereotype of gay men in Bollywood that you could possibly think of. Shame the entire LGBT community. Be nasty, snide, provocative and then burst into tears when confronted and attacked (barely) for your actions. Then simper and ask for forgiveness from all remaining contestants while shedding requisite tears. And somewhere Rupert Everett weeps into a banana skin.

**7.**If you’re a woman who is incapable of arguing a point verbally with a man, worry not. All you need to do is physically attack him, shove him a few times or chest-bang him. Take advantage of the fact that most men, even the most verbally abusive, will stop short of physically reacting. If ticked off, claim temporary insanity or the after-effects of a lobotomy. Whichever works best. Then stick a feather in the Tanissha Cap Of Gender Equality.

**8.**Also, if you thought opposites attract – no. Birds and celeb kids of a feather flock together. So If you’re a rich Bollywood kid (now 40-year-old) who hasn’t worked a day in your life for the last decade, immediately start hanging out with only other rich Bollywood kids in the vicinity. If possible canoodle with them once in a while as well. Armaan Kohli – Tanissha. Love All.

**9.**Also, people with Tourette’s and rage issues can excel in reality television. As displayed by Armaan Kohli. This is an equal opportunity genre. More power to it.

**10.**Love will keep you alive, but might get you kicked out of a reality programme. But then it will result in change.org, which engineers societal change by putting up petitions on their site asking for changes in the system, starting a petition asking for your (or in this case Kushal Tandon’s) return to the Bigg Boss house. 3000 people had signed the petition at the time I was writing this. I kid you not. I told you, Bigg Boss is a microcosmic view at society at large.

Its objective is simple and clear, if misspelled: We want Kushal back in Bigg Boss House. Because that was unfair decision to through him out from Bigg Boss House. There. Who said no good can come from watching Bigg Boss. Anyway, am off now to sign my Bring Back Kushal Tandon petition on change.org. It’s surely at 4000 signatures now.