Telly trauma: Top 5 moments of TV hell in 2011

It says a lot about the state of television this year that I’ve sat down to do a recap of the best and worst moments on television and drawn a blank. Nothing is as uninspiring as mediocrity. And we seemed to have had the privilege of being steeped in mediocrity for the last 365 days. So here goes, scraping the bottom of the barrel, here are some wonderful doozies which we were subjected to in 2011 thanks to the idiot box.

Baba re: Nothing was as horrific as waking up on the morning of June 5th to see repeat telecasts of Baba Ramdev jumping on the shoulders of his followers. And once you got past his agility, our unprepared retinas were exposed to the sight of the agile Baba wearing a beautiful white chikankari anarkali salawar kameez in the hopes of escaping the long arm of the law. That this might have made some of us fragile souls forever run from both yoga and anarkali kurtas, obviously escaped Ramdev Baba’s notice.

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Simi Strikes Back: We all looked forward to Simi’s return, just to see which new guests she would interview because she seemed to have spoken to the who’s who from the world of politics and Bollywood and thrown in a few business magnates for good measure in her last few seasons. But forget the guests, what was most stunning about the show was Simi’s face which seemed to have cryogenically been restored to what it looked like when she starred in Conrad Rook’s Siddhartha. The moment to remember and fear in each episode though, was when Simi’s alter-ego Kiki made an appearance. Nothing was as disconcerting as 60-year old Simi pretending to speak like a 20-year old Kiki in an 8-year old’s voice. A voice which seemed like a pedophiliac aunty trying to entice a five-year old into her dark dank room. Scary.

[caption id=“attachment_168052” align=“alignright” width=“380” caption=“What was most stunning about the show was Simi’s face which seemed to have cryogenically been restored to what it looked like when she starred in Conrad Rook’s Siddhartha. “]  [/caption]

The shrieking heads on television: The top honour has to go to the various panels that were put together across TV channels to discuss the Anna Hazare protest. Deafening decibel levels, bad manners and abysmal debating skills seemed to be at the forefront, with people interrupting each other, shouting at each other, smiling superciliously after speaking utter nonsense, and looking as if they were just about to burst a blood vessel at any moment. It was a lesson in how not to conduct or participate in a debate. The same facile arguments were shouted by the same people at the top of their lungs, night after night. Added to greatly by the spectacular set of moderators who seemed absolutely incapable of ‘moderating’ the debate, and instead wanted to match the decibel level of the panelists pitch for pitch. It simply made you long for the peace and quiet of a newspaper or a maun vrat.

Rahul Gandhi’s wonderful turn on the Parliament floor: If it wasn’t for his dimpled good looks, you’d really not be able to forgive the scion of the Gandhi family taking his one moment in the sun and defecating all over it. Winging the chance of making a speech during Zero Hour in Parliament, the great-grandson of Nehru and grandson of Indira Gandhi – pretty decent orators both, to put it modestly – showed us that not only had he not written his own speech, but he hadn’t even bothered to memorise it. Not looking up from his speech for more than 10 seconds at a stretch, the man being groomed to be our future prime minister cut a very sorry figure on the Parliament floor, and sadly for him the speech was beamed into every home, if you chose to tune in of course. And then you wonder why our septuagenarian politicians are ruling the roost – it’s simply because along with their political acumen gathered over many decades, they can at least hold a thought, frame sentences and speak at the same time.

Coverage of the birth of the Bachchan enigma: The TV channels were reduced to a very dire state of affairs when a diktat was sent out that no one can write, think or speak — and of course report — on anything to do with the Bachchan baby and mother. But how could the channels not report on the birth of the year? It was obvious that as the pregnancy was announced, reporters and editors had set aside hours of news time to provide us with minute-by-minute coverage of Ash’s latest sonogram, her last meal pre-delivery, maybe even coverage from right outside the OT. But what audiences got to were long lens shots of the hospital, Jalsa and biopics of the Aby baby and Ash romance. You almost felt sorry for the channels and wanted to put in a good word for them with Papa Bachchan. They were thrown a few crumbs though by the Family when a press conference which discussed her birthing technique was presided over by father and son. A press conference which was of course shown over and over again on news channels – that too, at prime time. Aah, the things our hapless minds are exposed to nowadays. So, will the new year give us more spectacular moments on television? Or will we be relegated to watching international news channels and international TV programmes? And hoping against hope that some consensus is reached on the Lokpal bill, just so we can be spared the talking heads screaming at each other and poor Anna can eat some regular meals again. The TV channels have promised us new seasons of Mad Men and Two and Half Men and KJo and Simi seemed to have retired to the pavilion for the coming year. So maybe, just maybe happier times await us when we switch on the telly in 2012. Rajyasree Sen is a bona fide foodie, TV connoisseur and unsolicited opinion-giver. You can read about her adventures with food and life in Delhi on her blog www.brownsahiba.blogspot.com or follow her at @rajyasree