Saif, Kareena betrayed the nation's trust with 'Taimur': Or what Twitter would like you to believe

Shiv Ramdas

Dec 23, 2016 12:31:12 IST

This is not an article, or thinkpiece or op-ed. It is a call to action. And it’s not for everyone. If you’re one of those sissy, politically correct types who don’t understand that history has an anti-India bias, this is where you stop reading.

Still here?

Good.

Now let's get down to it.

Obviously, Saif Ali Khan and Kareena Kapoor have betrayed the trust of the nation by naming their son Taimur.

We’ve all heard the name — even if almost none of us are sure which century he was from. A man so barbaric he should by all rights be called Babaric, after that other awful fellow who came all the way here from Central Asia to build a mosque in Ayodhya and was so upset with the result, he died instead of going back.

Saif, Kareena betrayed the nations trust with Taimur: Or what Twitter would like you to believe

Saif Ali Khan and Kareena Kapoor bring Taimur home. Photo by Sachin Gokhale/Firstpost

Saif and Kareena need to be punished, by making them watch 'Tashan' on repeat and if possible, returning my Rs 350 to me. Also Rs 200 for the terrible, soggy popcorn. I understand that is not directly their fault but it is related, just like baby Taimur will always be related to the conquest of Delhi in 1398. The angry public on Twitter is an encouraging sign, but it is only a start. What we need is a movement, a concerted effort to root out the holy cows of names and history with the same zeal with which gaurakshaks protect, well, holy cows. Because history isn’t just stories of what happened, it is also a guide to the future and so names can guide us as to what is going to happen in the future with those who bear them.

It was no doubt knowledge of this fact that led the Hiltons to name their little bundle of joy Paris, even though she has proven to be a sad disappointment, producing less annual tourist revenue than her namesake by several orders of magnitude. She has however provided more traffic, which could be said to be a sign of success. Even if Parisians — from the ones honking their way to work, to the ones gritting their teeth as the Sexy Tahiti Vacation Footage Leak video refuses to buffer — probably disagree. But let us not digress from domestic matters because even with all the patriotism and capslock typing we can collectively muster, our Name Rakshak Committee can only do so much. The international community will just have to look after its own problems, of which there will be plenty, especially when thousands of parents in Central America realise that their sons are going to dawdle around founding Christianity instead of getting a nice job and car. No, let us leave them to their problems and instead focus on where we can make a difference back home. And even the most cursory look around shows us that Saif and Kareena are just the tip of the iceberg — our entire nation is riddled with traitorous names.

To begin with, there are all the people named after foreigners. Take Indra, clearly a citizen of Devlok, which is not even on this planet, let alone India. Time and again he came, more often than Mahmud Ghazni, but there appears to be no record of him ever having applied for a visa. From all accounts he did not even possess a passport. All Indras, Indradevs and Indrajits need to be rounded up as illegal immigrants immediately.

Then there are all the false Rishis. Like Rishi Kapoor, who unlike the great Rishi Agastya did no penance, although thankfully, he has had fewer children than Rishi Kashyap. He too must be punished and can also be made to watch 'Tashan'.

And then there are all the people and companies named after the British, like Albert and Victoria and Elizabeth and Swaraj Paul. None of these should be permitted. Why are we Indians so obsessed with Victoria anyway? We already — thankfully — got rid of her from the railway station in Mumbai. Now let us refuse to rest till we force the government to complete that task. In future, we want our lingerie from Menaka’s Secret. Shane Warne played domestic cricket for Chatrapati Shivaji, as far as we are concerned. There is also a Victoria Memorial in Kolkata, and it had best look out because we’re coming for it. No more playing the monument card. It won’t even see us coming because like the earthquake it is often likened to, the party in power has a proven track record of swift and efficient demolition of old buildings.

Last but not least, there is that terrible offender, Jackie Shroff. We should immediately organise a protest against him. Think of all the thousands of Indians killed by tigers. We should join forces in condemning this evil man who has named his son after a savage, wild beast.
There are many others, but these can be the start. It may cause some upset at first, but eventually people will realise the important public service we are performing. Where others see names and meanings we will see history and opportunity for surgical strikes. We will strike so surgically there will be a surge in how illogically we strike. Good times beckon, otherwise known as Acche Din, if you’re an anti-national who doesn’t speak Hindi.

Get ready, India. The Name Rakshak Committee is here. And we’re coming for you.

“What’s in a name?” once famously asked Shakespeare.

Shut up, Willie, the adults are talking here. On Twitter. Go and watch 'Tashan'.

Updated Date: Dec 23, 2016 15:39:48 IST