R... Rajkumar review: Shahid, Sonakshi make the most annoying movie of the yr

In one excruciatingly long scene of R…Rajkumar, Sonu Sood sits with a bunch of his goonda cronies and jovially sings, “I am your Bull. You are my sh*t. Together we are Bullsh*t.” Never before in the history of Hindi cinema has a film so astutely relayed its intentions from the makers of the film to the viewers. Which is why I need to take a leaf from a song in R…Rajkumar to elucidate the film’s overall quality: gandi film, Gandi gandi gandi gandi gandi film. Directed by Prabhu Deva, R…Rajkumar secures the honour of justifying the fact that Bollywood can be full of surprises. Just when you think you’ve seen the most annoying film of the year, up pops an even more mind-shreddingly irritating one. This movie also earns the prestigious honour of being the only mainstream film of the year that I’ve walked out of (and I’ve sat through Grown Ups 2). [caption id=“attachment_1270413” align=“alignleft” width=“380”]  The film is a remake of a Telugu film. Image courtesy :Facebook[/caption] Every limitation of any movie can be forgiven if it makes you laugh. R…Rajkumar has only one such moment, when you realize that Bollywood is attempting to make money by trying to make ‘90’s Telugu movies. At all other, times the film is a thoroughly laugh-free, idiotic, juvenile, maddening, moronic, outdated gulag of guano that galls and irritates with every passing second of its interminable stream of swill pretending to be humour. The movie was originally called “Rambo Rajkumar”, and I believe Sylvester Stallone enforced a ban on the name; not because of copyright infringement but because he didn’t want Rambo to be associated with something so wretched. A couple of years ago, when Rowdy Rathore made Rs 100 crores, someone with a lot of money to spare realized, “What a magician Prabhu Deva is! Someone get him to make another Simbly South style film, hire a fledgling actor and get it done ASAP! We have a December weekend to exploit!” This theory explains why the plot of the R…Rajkumar is reminiscent of ‘80’s Bollywood and ‘90’s Telugu cinema, and the film is a huge slap in the face to film buffs. Here’s all you need to know about the story. Hero joins villain’s gang as henchman. Both hero and villain like the same girl. Hero will do anything to save the girl. That’s it. And that was the plot of Once Upon a Time in Mumbai Dobara as well, and the girl in that movie was also Sonakshi Sinha. The saddest part of all this is to see Asrani, at his age and experience, handed cringe-inducing lines and made to tear his clothes and stand in his undies for ‘comedy’. His performance here is the absolute zenith of career humiliation in this donkey carnival show of shameless, unfunny and obsolete skits themed upon ‘massy hero vs villain’.  You also get choice lines like ‘mere mooh mat lagna, mai sehed ke liye haanikaarak hoon’, accompanied by a barrage of ‘comedic’ sound cues. The lead actors are: Shahid Kapoor, who we know has better cinema sensibility than this (hint: Kaminey); Sonakshi Sinha who it seems says yes to every acting gig she gets; and Sonu Sood, who is both completely devoid of comedic talent and utterly uninterested in anything happening on the set. The love-lust triangle between the three is crass and utterly unbecoming of a film releasing in 2013. You can’t even credit Prabhu Deva for trying to evoke ancient mysoginist desi B-cinema because instead of parodying the genre he actually takes it seriously. After two hours of this junk you feel like leaping into the screen and do to the filmmaker what Lisbeth Salander did to her lawyer. If this is what you want to see in a movie, call me. I have a couch at home. We’ll talk about your life, your priorities, your cerebral harmony and what is best for you as a modern civilized human being. I can help. I promise.