Priyanka Chopra for the win: Four reasons why the new show Quantico warms desi hearts

Quantico, starring Priyanka Chopra, had its premiere on American TV this weekend and it’s a big deal. For us Indians, that is. As far as American entertainment is concerned, no one seems to be wildly excited by the new show. Still, let’s give ABC and Quantico’s creator Josh Safran a Five Star — of the Cadbury variety — for effort since Chopra is the first South Asian actress to headline an American show. Also, Five Star’s tagline of “Jo khaaye, kho jaaye” sounds like it could apply to the FBI Academy in Quantico, where everyone seems to be at a loss. But we’ll restrain our expert opinions until October 3 when Quantico has its grand Indian telecast. Meanwhile, let us count the ways in which this ABC show is warming the cockles of the desi heart. Priyanka Chopra’s moment of glory Yes, she sounds like the annoying Indian who adds a twang to their English because they flew over Dallas or had a five-hour stopover at New York’s JFK. And no, she doesn’t have to do much acting (yet) in Quantico. But who cares? Chopra is the star of an honest-to-goodness foreign television show and that is a genuinely an enormous achievement. [caption id=“attachment_2447446” align=“alignleft” width=“380”]  Priyanka Chopra in Quantico.[/caption] The lack of racial diversity in American entertainment is unmistakable. In that dense Caucasian fog that envelopes its television shows, Taraji P Henson and this year’s Emmy-winner Viola Davis are among those who have made huge strides for black actors. Brown, on the other hand, has remained a two-bit colour. We’ve exulted when people like Parminder Nagra (ER), Anil Kapoor (24) and Nimrat Kaur (Homeland) got tiny roles in big shows. It’s so hard for a non-white actor to get noticed in Los Angeles that we ignored the detail that Kapoor, Nagra and Kaur have played leading roles in cinema, but are not considered worthy of anything more than minor parts by American producers. Under these circumstances, that Chopra is helming a show is quite an achievement. No doubt it helps that American producers want to cash in on Indian audiences, but still, that doesn’t mean Chopra hasn’t had to work hard for this win. Apparently, Chopra was given the choice of joining an existing show and starring in a new one. To join a show, as other desi actors have done before her, would have been smart and safe perhaps. Chopra, however, picked the riskier and gutsier move and chose a new show that would revolve around her character. Brava! FBI, come learn from our traffic constables Watching the FBI do its thing in Quantico, one has to conclude that if the real FBI is anything like this on screen version, then it’s a wonder America is still standing. Never mind the fact that this intelligence agency has no idea that two people are passing off as one person (was it Christopher Nolan’s Prestige or Vijay Krishna Acharya’s Dhoom 3 that inspired Safran?). Or that it has no idea that its recruited someone who is unstable enough to commit a spectacular suicide within days of joining the academy. Stuff happens. How’s a story supposed to happen if we don’t suspend some disbelief, huh? What happens in an all-important chase in Quantico, however, will make every traffic constable in India snort dismissively. An FBI van winds its way through Manhattan, which has just suffered the worst terrorist attack since 9/11. NYPD and FBI cars chase this van. It swerves at one point and then careens wildly, before coming to a smoky stop, wheels in the air. Armed officers and police men go to the van only to realise, its back doors are open and the prisoner in it has disappeared. First of all, nakabandi yo! It’s driven uncriminal drivers insane, but it has caught us terrorists in Mumbai. Second, a whole human being gets out of a van, in broad daylight, and “disappears” in a crowd — which is nowhere near the upturned van, incidentally — and no one notices? You try pulling a stunt like that in Mumbai. You’ll be without licence and with challan within seconds. Walk the Bollywood way We’re not talking about Chopra, who is the good part of Bollywood’s world domination. If in the future Quantico actually demands something of her beyond Bambi eyes and a pout, Chopra might just be able to showcase her considerable acting talents. No, we’re talking about Bollywood’s favourite writing tool: Copy + Paste. It’s widely believed that this is the golden age of television, particularly in America and UK. There are brilliant television shows being written, new ideas are being explored and the writing is more intelligent than ever before. Quantico is not an example of any of this. Its own publicity material highlighted its lack of originality when ABC described the show as Homeland meets Grey’s Anatomy. There’s nothing of Homeland in Quantico, which is fluffy, cheerfully artificial and entirely bereft of chills. However, in the way the first episode is structured and the storytelling relies on flashbacks, there’s a significant amount of inspiration drawn from How To Get Away With Murder. There’s so much recycling in Quantico, beginning with its use of an old Massive Attack number and moving on to familiar tropes, that the show doesn’t feel new. It tries to disguise the number of elements its borrowed from existing shows by adding a twist every other minute. The twists aren’t always twisty, but they pop up with the regularity of a cuckoo in a cuckoo clock. You may find yourself wondering if Abbas-Mustan were consultants on the project, because no one else is as committed to making cats cradles with plot lines. Quantico is also delightfully disconnected with reality and filled with over-the-top dialoguebaazi, which makes it all the more reminiscent of Bollywood. For instance, the FBI Academy is not a college, we’re told: it is “the toughest boot camp and hardest grad school rolled into one…it is life, and death.” (Insert whistle here.) Then there are the out-of-sync details, like handwritten notes sent in the age of smartphones, between officials in New York City no less. At one point, someone tells Chopra’s character that if she’s taken to prison, she’ll never come out alive. Ummm.. why? She’s survived the toughest boot camp and hardest grad school rolled into one. Also, why is she being taken to prison when she hasn’t been told with what she’s been charged? Where’s her lawyer? Let’s put this another way: at first glance, Baby is more logically coherent than Quantico. Brown is beautiful Whether or not this is part of the design to establish Chopra as Quantico‘s queen bee, the fact is that the show is made up of an extraordinarily un-hot cast. If these were excellent actors, then their looks wouldn’t be worth much discussion. However, if the first episode is any indication, most of Quantico’s acting talent ranges from mediocre to bad, and it doesn’t help that they’re made to say dialogues that contain phrases like “pontificating robot”. This makes Chopra look good, but it’s not much fun for the average viewer. Under the circumstances, you might just find yourself wishing that Quantico would import a few of the dudes from the Indian film and television pool. Take a few of our male models and plonk them in Quantico, is our suggestion to Safran. They’ll fill those grey t-shirts out much better, smoulder each time the camera focuses on them and have just as few expressions as the existing men on the show. Plus, they’re probably cheaper, given the state of the dollar-rupee exchange rate. It’s not very often that one can say Indian men will improve the eye-candy quotient in real life, so it’s particularly invigorating to be able to say it for reel life.