Only in Bigg Boss 7: One week in, and already there are tears
Would you trade your child for two packets of coffee? If you’re on Bigg Boss, you would. The things I have seen and heard this week. And it’s is only the beginning. Bigg Boss 7 is five days old now and it’s a bit like being in a Karan Johar film – not because it’s so pretty (far from it), but because it’s like being a fly on the wall of some strange Bollywood version of a private school.
First of all, let’s meet the inmates, I mean, contestants.
There’s Tanisha Mukherjee, who is obviously adopting the role of prom queen. Prettiest and sweetest in the house, very wise, perched on six inch heels et al. She doesn’t argue with anyone, doesn’t fight with anyone. But that doesn’t make her popular. Her goody-two-stilletos behaviour got her nominated as the first Captain of the house, but this position of authority and gravitas is just excuse for everyone to bitch about her behind her back. Ergo, perfect prom queen material.
Then there are the class bitches, Gauhar Khan and Anand Kumar, sorry, VJ Andy. They have, predictably, become the best of friends. Plotting to join their tribe is Kamya Punjabi, who is trying to be the Class Bitch, but is being overshadowed by Andy and Gauhar. So Kamya, who resides in Jahannum, where there are no plugpoints or toilet paper (because THIS. IS. SPARTAAAAA), spends her time plotting and planning the storming of Jannat. Yes, I’m yawning too.
Gauhar is undoubtedly very easy on the eye and super hot. Which I don’t think is ingratiating her to the other women in the house. Andy seems to have mastered the diplomacy game a little better than Gauhar because though he trashes everyone, everyone doesn’t trash him the way they do Gauhar. Gauhar in fact pissed off everyone on her side – Jannat - so much, they sent her over to Jahannum. However, with exile comes the comfort of finding love and attention in the arms of the Class Hunk, Kushal Tandon, who is supposedly a TV actor.
Kushal is the strong, silent type. Chatting up the women when he wants; being all Rodin’s Thinker when he wants, and the next moment, throwing a hissy fit about not being able to go to the gym or blow-dry his hair or shave his stubble. He’s a real keeper.
Then there’s the Class Failure and Bully, Armaan Kohli. You know how we always had one person in our class who was at least five years older than the rest of us and ten times the loser? This chap was always the resident bully, the ‘dada’ who would rough up anyone who upset him, but who was actually petrified of the pretty girls who could tick him off and make him turn to putty with a single finger wag? That’s Armaan Kohli for you. Now there’s a real class act if ever there was one.
Moving on to the Class Bimbos, whose existential purpose is to look pretty: Hazel Keech and Elli Avram, Bigg Boss’s recruits from Mumbai’s Cafe Leopold. One carries a stuffed green frog around, the other makes strange faces and dances in the morning. It’s all extremely bizarre.
Next up, the Crybabies, who have IQs of minus 200 and are delicate little darlings. Easily offended and always whining about something or the other, they are:
Rattan Rajput, who has started looking like Diana Ross, hair-wise at least.
Pratyusha Banerjee, who thinks she’s Britney and has the strangest bleached hair I’ve seen in a while. She also said that Sai Baba is always with her, protecting her. Immediately after, while doing a task that required her to push a massive wheel to generate electricity and cooking gas, got her hair caught in said wheel.
From how she screamed, I was sure someone had died live on Bigg Boss or that we were witnessing a live scalping, but no such luck. She survived. She wept so much, I thought they should euthanise her – after giving her a stinging slap.
Shilpa Agnihotri is the Class Monitor. Diligent, happy to cook, she’s the one who discusses people but doesn’t bitch about them. She’s also the one weeping at the thought of leaving her husband with the Jahannum people. Her husband, Apoorva, makes no impression. With his Rahul Roy haircut and ability to merge into the background, only his interactions with his wife are of any worth. At least we hope they are, to her.
Shilpa also started weeping when she was told that Piggy a.k.a. Rajat Rawail was so hungry that he was slyly eating everybody’s leftovers after they’d left the table. Speaking of Rawail, he reminds me of one of my favourite characters from Lord Of The Flies. Except, unlike Piggy in Lord of the Flies, Rawail seems to have no smarts. And while I understand that one shouldn’t make fun of the portly, how can you not when Portly’s one wish to Bigg Boss was to either meet his daughter or be given two packets of coffee? Betiyan ghar ki coffee hote hai, after all. A new book could be written on him - ‘Piggy's Choice’.
Sangram is the School Jock who’s a marshmallow with muscles. The wrestler seems to have a bit of a Hanuman complex, which makes him feel very protective to the women. For Gauhar, he seems to have developed a bit of a shine.
The weepy Schoolteacher in this midst is Anita Advani. We’ve all had one of those at some point. The spinster who dedicates her life to schoolchildren because the man she loved had too many fans, or because the man she loved was a Bollywood Superstar who’d died and left her with a legal battle to fight. We’ve so far learnt that Rajesh Khanna loved to eat at least 12 dishes for dinner, loved her dahi bhallas (please let that not be an euphemism) and had a great sense of humour and never divorced his wife, which is why he couldn’t get married to Anita.
So of the bunch who’s been nominated - Hazel Keech, Elli Avram, Ratan Rajpoot, Kamya Punjabi, Kushal Tandon and Pratyusha Banerjee – who do I think will get chucked today? I think it will be one of the Leopold Café regulars, Elli or Hazel. But then Hazel’s Salman’s pal, so she might stay in. Kushal is on the verge of a romance, so he won’t be voted out. And Rattan and Pratyusha are TV stars, so people won’t vote them out, much to my sorrow. So I think Elli’s head will roll. Given a choice though, I’d vote out Pratyusha, because her peroxide hair colour is fading and nobody likes a crybaby.
Updated Date: Sep 22, 2013 11:34:06 IST
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