Notes from a screening: Roy, where neither Ranbir nor the audience know why they're in this film

Deepanjana Pal

February 13, 2015 20:34:49 IST

Editor's note: Consider this to be something of a running commentary of what happened during the opening show of Roy in a suburban theatre in Mumbai. The theatre was packed and a sizeable percentage of the crowd had availed complimentary tickets. Although some plot points and character details are revealed, there are no spoilers in this commentary. None of the "overheard" quotes are fictional.

Opening credits: "Ranbir Kapoor in a dynamic role." Ok then.

Comedian Cyrus Broacha is interviewing Kabir Grewal (Arjun Rampal) on his upcoming film. So that's what Bollywood thinks of entertainment journalists?

Overheard: "Yeh Cyrus Rajeev Masand ban raha he kya?"

Kabir sits down to write his film script, on a typewriter, wearing a fedora, drinking whisky, smoking cigarettes. Unleash your inner Gonzo, beta!

Note to writers facing writers block: it seems TV news is more exciting than sex these days. Certainly more inspirational. No wonder our population is reducing.

Courtesy: Facebook

Courtesy: Facebook

This is the beginning of Gonzo Grewal's script: "Guns, Pt III, Int...ROY, Intense, brooding, stoic." Cut to Ranbir Kapoor, in a car. He does not look intense or brooding. He looks like he's got a tummy ache.

"Guns, Pt I" was apparently shot in Afghanistan. Is Gonzo Grewal partially modelled on Kabir Khan? If yes, this will be the second film Khan has inspired that has Ranbir in the cast (the first was Ayan Mukerji's Yeh Jawaani Hai Deewani).

Gonzo Grewal to waiter at bar: "Macallan with three ice cubes. Three, ok?" Yeah, because it's the number of ice cubes that makes Scotch whisky tick. Idiot.

Overheard (after seeing the art that Roy is going to steal because it costs $120 million): "Let's send Mitali's crayon drawings to Ranbir Kapoor. One percent of 120 million bhi chalega."

Really worried about what qualifies as "drunk" in director Vikramjit Singh's book. This woman (who has supposedly drunk too much) is so knocked out, even puking doesn't wake her up. This is more like a date rape drug at work than alcohol.

Ayesha Aamir (Jaqueline Fernandez) has to be the only indie filmmaker with the budget to live in a hotel that's swanky enough for a big budget masala director. She also has tattoos that magically disappear.

Details to clue you in on Ayesha being "quirky": she reads books in bars, wears necklaces on her thigh, beads on her wrist. That she looks like a model and we see next to nothing of her film or filmmaking? Minor details.

Overheard: "Jaqueline ka double role hai."
"Uska pata nahi par lipstick ka toh pukka double role hai."

Is Ayesha doing a bad fusion of ballet and Bharatnatyam on the beach a coded message to Gonzo, telling him she's flexible? Because that's the only interpretation that would make this a prelude to sex.

Overheard: "Oy yaar, love scene kyun cut kiya?"
"Do pappi dikhaya hai. Control kar apne aap ko."

Roy/Ranbir shoots blanks. Gonzo/Arjun hits balls. #NeverForgetFreud

Gonzo is faced with writer's block again. He pours water over himself. Because hell, if Arjun Rampal in a wet T-shirt doesn't inspire you, what will?

Overheard: "Why is this all happening in Malaysia?"
"Maybe it's Malaysia only in Kabir's head. Maybe it's actually Borivli National Park."

Why exactly did Anupam Kher accept this role? Was it because he got to stay in the hotel room that's supposed to be his home?

So there is something that can make Arjun Rampal look unattractive: a full beard. Good trivia, bad for Roy.

Overheard: "Maine kaha tha MSG dekhtey hain. Par nahin, tum logo ko Ranbir Kapoor ki aarti utarni thi na?"

Overheard: "I think I might just have a chance with Ranbir. If Katrina sits through this film, she's definitely dumping him."

Gonzo Grewal is buying a box of cigars for his dad, who has had six heart attacks already. So that if Dad isn't on his deathbed, they can just drive him to it with a little cigar smoke?

"Ayesha: I saw your film.
Gonzo: How did you like it?
(Ayesha hugs Gonzo.)"
Best way to avoid saying what you thought of a film. Director Vikramjit Singh should be wary of every hug he gets.

Detective Wadia (Rajit Kapoor) attempting to be discreet in Paris: wearing hat and trench coat, using vintage binoculars. Clearly taking his tips from Inspector Clouseau. When in Paris, do as Pink Panther does.

Two people in the cinema start arguing when one claims the other is sitting in their seat. After a few minutes, an usher comes and tells them to take it outside.
One random audience member: "No, no. Please go on. You guys are much more entertaining than what's happening in the film."

Cyrus asks Gonzo about "Guns III": "Audience ki kya expectations honi chahiye?"
Audience response in the theatre: "Third class." "Gutter." "Watch India-UAE instead."

Updated Date: Feb 13, 2015 23:15 PM