Missing Game of Thrones? Try watching MTV's Splitsvilla 7

What happens in this part of the world when a season of Game of Thrones comes to an end? At the end of each season of this insanely popular show, collecting the pieces of your suddenly emptied life can be a task. Imagine making through a week without the “God, let Jamie not die” prayer or yelling, “What are they saving the dragons for??” at your television or computer screen. Traumatic, right? But there may be a solution to your woes — the same weekend that the fourth season of Game of Thrones came to an end, MTV decided to launch the seventh (gulp) season of Splitsvilla, a consolation offering from the channel for those who wanted to be in Roadies but have low tolerance for Punjabi expletives.

Much like Roadies, in Splitsvilla, boys empty cartons of styling gel on their hair, dutifully shave their chests and armpits, and stuff themselves into man-tank tops. But instead of counting the number of ways Raghu Ram can yell “c**tiya”, the Splitsvilla gents get to play homme fatale in a dating show. Last weekend, Splitsvilla 7 kicked off its new season with seven men and enough women to make a successful Honey Singh video.

This clan of love seekers has been packed off to a fort hotel in Rajasthan. Here, the girls have managed to shriek at everything from pillow covers to bath tubs and ‘ooooh-ed’ at every creature they might have spotted alive - boys, crows, Sunny Leone. The boys, on the other hand, managed to tell the world that they are here to find love. Not the lead role in the next Ekta Kapoor serial. That’s just the first episode for you.

As far as we’re concerned, there couldn’t be a more fitting replacement of Game of Thrones. If you’re still not convinced, here are three irrefutable points of resonance between Game of Thrones and Splitsvilla.

1. There’s lots of sex. Sorry, Sunny Leone.

If you are a Game of Thrones fan, you just lost your right to call the subhead misogynistic. Leone’s august predecessor was our only import to Playboy, Sherlyn Chopra. What you can expect from Leone is an impressive collection of bikini tops - polka dotted, single-coloured, sequin-dripping etc.. Not Sunny side up enough for you guys? There’s more Leone in the breaks too. She can be seen petting strawberries, tickling coffee beans and stirring chocolate while asking for a condom (subtly named ‘Manforce’) in a shop.

Every time Leone appears on screen, the song Baby Doll plays in the background and to this soundtrack, Nikhil Chinappa’s alter-ego of a DJ dies a slow death inside the Mughal-E-Azam blazers he’s wearing on the show. (Incidentally, Chinappa has a fantastic Sushma Swaraj-meets-Angry Bird face.) So far, Leone has spoken approximately three lines while flashing acres of cleavage and possibly thanking god for not having to date Indian men.

In a Splitsvilla promo (bits of which are shown during the breaks), Leone is seen wearing her Jism 2 expression and enough silver sequins to make Rihanna jealous. She sashays down a flight of velvet covered stairs, leaves behind a crystal studded shoe that’s big enough to hide Tyrion Lannister, tries to kiss a silver frog that looks vaguely like Navjot Sidhu and then stumbles upon Chinappa. It’s scarier than warging.

2. Dothraki. Valyrian. Spitlish.

If you thought being fluent in English would mean you will understand what people are saying in Splitsvilla, think again. Knowing English may be a bit of an advantage, but Spitlish, spoken on Splitsvilla, is a whole new linguistic world in which English, Hindi, grammar and logic are scrambled for maximum effect and minimum understanding. Consider these examples:

“Then he proposed me.”

“The door was half locked, half open.”

“Hum party mein fun le rahe the.”

“I am the fun kind of a guy.”

“I am with a guy who is such a bloody b/c/grad.”

“Saare chickas full taiyyar ho gaye hai.”

“Mera attraction sirf uska muscle tone se tha.”

Everyone speaks about “connections”. No Splitsvilla isn’t a Dilli in making. Connections is the Indian dating show, parent-proof, Ram Sena-proof code word for ‘flirting’.

Anyone who questions Honey Singh’s achievements as a literary icon, kindly watch Splitsvilla for reference. And you thought only George RR Martin and JRR Tolkien invented languages.

3. Nothing that ever happens on GoT… sorry, Splitsvilla, happens in real life

Let’s be clear about this: Yash Raj Films still reserves the first right to make people fall in love in the most unlikely situation, but Splitsvilla is giving YRF some serious competition.

Imagine being herded with 20 other women to woo seven spectacularly waxed guys who look more in love with their abs and maybe their biceps to even look at girls. Then imagine finding love.

There’s one bodybuilder, Mayank Pawar, who turned up in a pair of jeans and just an unbuttoned waistcoat. Another guy, Abhishek, who channels Raveena in Tip Tip Barsa Pani and prances around in the pool and wants to find a girl who is dil ka saaf, which could mean anything from healthy cholesterol levels to excellent personal hygiene.

Not to be outdone by the men on the show, one of the Splitsvilla women wore a blue loofah on her hair to a party.

By the time we’d finished watching the first episode of Splitsvilla, we were left begging for a mercy killing much like the Hound in the season finale of Game of Thrones. And like Arya did with the Hound, Splitsvilla is going to entirely ignore our pain and go on its own way.

Splitsvilla airs on on Saturday 7 PM on MTV

Disclaimer: Splitsvilla airs on MTV India, which is part of Viacomm 18, a joint venture between Network 18 India and Viacom Inc. Firstpost is published by the Network 18 Group.