Making a song and dance about summer

By Anuya Jakatdar September 25th, 2010, was an auspicious day in my life. It was the day I reviewed photos from a friend’s birthday party, saw all the booze, puke, broken electronics, dead squirrels, a Rosie O’Donnell blow-up doll, and wept when I realised that amidst all those crimes against nature, my arm fat was the most heinous. It was a Day of Reckoning in the History of the World, complete with Unnecessary Capital Letters, for I, a trueborn Jakatdar of House Jakatdar had Sworn a Vow that day (like that Bheeshma dude in the Mahabharat, yes) to never wear Sleeveless in Public again. Three days ago, I broke that vow, because goddammitalltohell, it’s HOT. So hot that germs are using the sweat pooling in my cellulite dimples as their personal swim club. So hot, that a certain leading newspaper has recommended that we all step out of our homes in bikini tops, because a heat-stroke related hallucination has convinced the editor that India is in actuality, a music video by 50 Cent. [caption id=“attachment_737375” align=“alignleft” width=“380”]  Courtesy: A screengrab from the music video of Candy Shop.[/caption] In hindsight, that would be awesome. All we’d ever have to worry about is: 1) Where is this fabled candy shop anyway? More importantly, do food bloggers know about it? 2) Do hot pants have enough fabric for cameltoe? 3) Is that a gun in your Speedo or are you just happy to see me? In fact, I’d settle for a life that expresses all major emotions as elaborately choreographed song-and-dance routines. For example, my dissatisfaction with the city’s weather could be eloquently summed up by Cee Lo Green’s timeless classic, F**k You. My dealings with clients as a freelancer could be repped by the seminal Akshay Kumar number from Insaaf, “Baraana De”. And my depression about the imminent cancellation of Smash – a show based on the ups and downs of a team putting together a Broadway musical – could be, why, a song from Smash itself, for the show has more (and better) original music than ten Pritam albums. For those who’ve never heard of Smash, it follows the lives of Ivy Lynn, a Broadway ensemble veteran looking for her big break, and her competition, Karen Cartwright, a wide-eyed ingenue, because is there any other kind? Both want to be Marilyn Monroe in an upcoming musical on her life, and both have what it takes, so who will be picked? WHO? WHO? Like I will ever tell. Even though the storyline sputters and coughs like a steam engine on its last legs, the songs, choreography and the sheer awe-inspiring nature of what goes into the making of a Broadway musical is enough to make this show one of my favourites, so you can imagine my woe at the prospect of its upcoming cancellation. Think Salma Agha songs. Think Guru Dutt movies. Think “Everybody Hurts_”, performed live in concert by a sad clown._ The world needs musicals and all the cool people agree, as the Oscars this year showed us. Glee has been renewed for Seasons 5 and 6, American Idol is still going strong in its 12th season, and Bollywood, well, what’s Bollywood without dream sequences and spontaneous dance-romance? Ro-dance? Dance-mance? Stop it, Anuya? It’s a shame that only two international TV shows tackle musicals, (the first one is Glee and it’s so completely batshit that I obviously worship it) and one of them might be lost to us forever, because as little Anjali said in Kuch Kuch Hota Hai, a little bit of singing and dancing might be exactly what we need to deal with the mundanities of life. Like heat, arm fat, and columns that start with one thing and end with another. (Anuya Jakatdar is a freelance writer and social media consultant who blogs at www.fireyourstylist.wordpress.com. Follow her on Twitter @boozeandshooze and give her feedback about the column on boozeandshooze@gmail.com.)