Guess what the nation actually wants to know? Stories of Siddharth Mallya's crotch

Piyasree Dasgupta

Oct 30, 2014 10:36:38 IST

India has a new pastime - and it's not sharing articles that claim to investigate 'five things only boys who don't grow chest hair will relate to'. And suchlike. This new pastime is far more invigorating than following Chetan Bhagat on Twitter, requires way more imagination than trending #YoRahulSoDumb and is nearly as disturbing as asking your Facebook friend to loan you his virtual pet goat on Farmville.

So, India's latest obsession is, *deep breath*, Siddharth Mallya's crotch.

You can now thank me for bringing you the most enlightening bit of news to have hit us Indians after the list of black money hoarders in our country.

Mallya will now host a web-series called Sid Sessions, that you can access on YouTube. Ah, now stop smirking you cynics. If there can be Nigella Bites and Rachel Allen Bakes, why can't there be Sid Sessions, pray? Yes, it does sound like a show on exotic massages, but I guarantee, there's more cleavage on display right in the first episode than there has been in all Nigella shows and RGV item numbers put together.

Guess what the nation actually wants to know? Stories of Siddharth Mallyas crotch

Siddharth Mallya in a screengrab from the YouTube video.

Now that we have your attention, lets move on to the show and the questions Siddharth Mallya answers in them.

One third of them have to do with his crotch.

The format of the show is simple - Mallya attempts to answer questions that people send him on social media.

Now consider this: Siddharth Mallya and people who actually have things to ask about him, and his genitals, put together. That could be the best thing to have happened to our part of the world since Akshay Kumar with his pre-waxing era chest met Rekha, who had a mouth with a mind of its own in Khiladiyon Ka Khiladi.

So the first 'question' that came Mallya's way is this: 'You gotta nice bulge. Humm.' It came from a Twitter handle called 'bhawana010', which we have failed to trace at the moment.

"Where have you seen my bulge?" Mallya wonders, with the same kind of heart-wrenching honesty with which Rahul Gandhi is believed to have expounded when he declared that poverty was a state of mind. However, Mallya puts up a brave face despite the objectification of his genitals and goes on to advise 'kids' that they shouldn't wear something that fits too tightly around their crotches.

While you are tempted to believe that Mallya is offering the endangered Indian male crotch a way to beat the prying eye - like the dutiful Delhi mother offers a dupatta to the daughter stepping out in a ganjee to catch a bus - that's not what he has in mind. He goes on to explain how wearing tight clothes will ruin a man's sperm count.

Women of the country, notice now cleverly Mallya just tried to beautify the manscape around you.

Soon after, someone asks, "You sly fox, how's the rod doing?". And then another asks, "Do you have d***?"

To answer the former, Mallya, has a conversation with the said part of his body and then he declares, "He says he is doing fine."

Given that you have just survived this little heart-to-crotch chit-chat, thank Mallya for giving you new strength and conviction to survive the sight of Baba Ramdev's armpits. Or Arvind Kejriwal's singing. Another season of Bigg Boss. And an entire Mumbai local-full of damp-patches. Precisely, most such everyday hassles you have to deal with in the country.

Following the revelation of India's obsession with Mallya's genitals, if you have started making enquiries about property prices and rentals in North Korea, hold on for a little more. He will now proceed to fortify you against any intellectual catastrophe that might strike you in your lifetime.

Another Twitter user, apparently, says, "Shameless creature... Pay ur kingfisher debts." To which Mallya shows that apart from possessing a telepathic relationship with his crotch, he owns superior sarcasm. He answers the question saying, "While I am at it, let me also stop the ISIS and maybe find a cure for cancer as well... and several other things which I have absolutely no control over?"

Take note Mr Senior Bachchan. Here's how, maybe you could justify the junior in Happy New Year. And Dhoom:3. And Players.

We want to conclude this article with a silent prayer for Russel Brand, who, we hope doesn't watch this video and feel way more miserable than anyone who has been dumped by Katy Perry should.

And a plea to Sid Mallya: Could you tell your fans that spelling 'friendship' without its vowels on Facebook can decrease a man's sperm count? You will be doing us women a great favour.

Watch the video here:

Updated Date: Oct 30, 2014 10:59:02 IST