Forget Angelina on drugs. Saif, Aamir, Big B's past is way more embarrassing

An old video of Angelina Jolie, from her drug-addled years, has surfaced and Jolie is not amused. She reportedly decided to sue The Daily Mail for invading her privacy. As we’d written when the video was first circulated , we don’t see what the big deal is because Jolie’s been candid about her past and she really doesn’t look all that bad. But maybe we feel this way because we’ve grown up on Bollywood, where the past is a lush swamp of mortification. If you thought Jolie’s old video is embarrassing, think again. It’s got nothing on what emerges when you rewind in Bollywood. Dharmendra and Rishi Kapoor in Kaatilon Ke Katil

Dharmendra was one of the best looking heroes we’ve had and while he may not be known for his acting skills, whatever he did in front of the camera was good enough to earn him four Filmfare awards for best actor. Rishi Kapoor wasn’t just a star when he was young, he’s still a joy to watch. There is no reasonable explanation for both these actors to accept Kaatilon Ke Kaatil. In Kaatilon ke Kaatil, the villain (a human) was called Black Cobra and he was something of an evil Dr Doolittle. His constant companion was a black cat called Jeannie. His strongman was Reecha, the lovechild of a bear and a “mad woman”. Never mind the biological marvel that Reecha was, he was also trilingual since he was fluent in English, Hindi and Bear. Not to be outdone, the good guys had on their side a monkey, named Johnny. None of this deterred either Dharmendra or Kapoor from signing the film and creating one of Bollywood’s most fabulously horrible films ever. Amitabh Bachchan in Ajooba [caption id=“attachment_1618579” align=“aligncenter” width=“380”] Courtesy: ibn live[/caption] If you though Hrithik Roshan in Krissh or Salman Khan in Kick have silly masks, allow us to hit the rewind button to show you the Big Daddy of Bad Disguises. In Ajooba, Amitabh Bachchan wore what looks vaguely like a mask someone nicked from a kid’s birthday party. The only way that the mask acts as a disguise is if its silver foil blinds those who stand before Ajooba, Bachchan’s heroic avatar. Costumes aside, Ajooba was an astonishingly bad film and it’s difficult to understand why Bachchan agreed to do it. Sure, he’d recently played a superhero in Shahenshah and it had been a phenomenal success, but Ajooba wasn’t just a superhero film. It was a superhero film set in a fantastical kingdom called Baharistan and had magic, bad costumes, and magical donkeys. Why? Anil Kapoor in the 80s [caption id=“attachment_1618581” align=“aligncenter” width=“380”] Anil Kapoor’s 80’s hairy avatar.[/caption] No, that is not Reecha’s first cousin. It’s Anil Kapoor, from back in the day when manly men were expected to have carpets on their chests. Today, masculinity in Bollywood is a waxed, muscled chest that makes most actors look like Johnny Bravo come to life. In the 80s and 90s, body hair was key. It sprouted, it curled, it tendrilled its way out of shirts that were left open so as to flaunt this emblem of machismo. If you’re among those who encountered Anil Kapoor sans shirt only in the 2000s, then this must come as a traumatic shock to you and we apologise. While we don’t hold Kapoor going shirtless in his films against him — if a director demanded it of him, he must comply. Why any director would want Kapoor without his shirt, that too in a romantic sequence, is a mystery to us, but the fact is, some did. However, Kapoor definitely had a choice about the magazine photos shoots. When he chose to go without shirt (and in one case, with bow tie), that’s just cruel and unusual, and embarrassing. Saif Ali Khan in banana leaves [caption id=“attachment_1618589” align=“aligncenter” width=“380”] Courtesy: youtube[/caption] Yes, dear readers, once upon a time, Akshay Kumar had a rug on his chest too. No, dear readers, we do not know why they’re doing whatever it is that they’re doing. At least Jolie can blame her rambling and appearance on drugs. What excuse can Saif Ali Kahn, nawab of Pataudi, Lawrence School (Sanawar) and Winchester College alumnus, offer for this? The film was called Keemat — They Are Back; they being Kumar and Khan. In an attempt to perhaps briefly over turn patriarchy, Khan and Kumar were the ones who were near-naked in the song O Mere Chhaila , while the film’s two heroines were fully clothed. For some reason, during the course of the song, Khan stole Kumar’s swimming trunks. Then the two men did the most natural thing: they wrapped two banana leaves around their hips and started dancing. Aamir Khan on Twitter [caption id=“attachment_1618595” align=“aligncenter” width=“380”] Courtesy: ibn live[/caption] He has the reputation of being Bollywood’s most intelligent actor and he’s all set to save the nation one talk show episode at a time. So what was Aamir Khan doing peeing into potted plants, with Salman Khan no less? And why, for the love of all that doesn’t stink, did he tweet it? Aamir’s caption didn’t do much to improve the inanity of this antic: “My favourite pic of Salman & me. Do dost ek jhaad pe susu kartein hain toh dosti badti hai. Now you know.