Fast and Furious 7 review: Real story of how Chris Morgan came up with the script for this film

Editor’s note: Thank to sources we cannot disclose (read: a human wrestling with the realization that this ridonkulous film got made and will probably make pots of money) Firstpost acquired a video that shows how the seventh instalment of Fast and Furious was made. Here’s a transcript, for your reading pleasure. Blackness. A familiar, haunting tune from a children’s music box tinkles. There’s a low rumbling sound of a car engine idling in the distance. [caption id=“attachment_2184303” align=“alignleft” width=“380” class=" “]  Image courtesy: Facebook[/caption] White light floods in. A close up of writer Chris Morgan, facing his laptop. As his hands approach the keyboard in slow motion, the sound of the car increases exponentially. He hits the first key and the camera zooms out to reveal Morgan is sitting shotgun, in a black Lamborghini Murciaglo. Next to him is the driver – a wan looking, Asian fellow who looks sadly at the tiny music box on the dashboard. He suddenly throws the toy out, stamps his foot on the accelerator and as the car screams away, Morgan begins writing the script of Furious 7. Camera zooms out to show car zooming through the Californian desert. (Yes, dear reader, there’s a whole lot of zooming going on. ) “We need to make this one special,” Morgan’s deep and throaty voiceover booms, as the car dangerously swerves left. Cut to the men inside the car. Wan-faced driver and Morgan are full Zen, despite the insane speed of the car. Driver: “You did well in the preceding trilogy.” Morgan: “We sure did. Justin Lin had the balls to change the racing format of the films to a heist game.” Driver: [nods in approval] “I can take this to the next level.” The Lamborghini approaches a stream that pops up magically in the middle of a desert. Around the stream are young nubile girls prancing around aimlessly. Morgan [writing the first scene]: “It has to be a race of some sort.” Driver: “Enough racing and heists. Make this one a revenge tale.” Morgan: “But which of the six antagonists from the previous films would still matter? They were all as cookie cutter as they come.” Driver: “The one with the British accent. We need to appeal to a wider audience, look beyond America. Give that guy –” Morgan: “— a brother. We’ll call him Deckard Shaw, he’ll be the brother of the random British guy in the previous movie. [pauses] Who do we know that kicks a lot of ass and can look good while driving cars like a maniac?” The camera slowly zooms in on the driver. Driver: “You know who.” Beat of silence. Morgan breaks eye contact with the driver and sends an email to Jason Statham. The car is now careening through the snakelike highway. A metropolis is seen on the horizon. Morgan looks contemplative. Driver: “Are you unsure of the plot structure and character arcs of the film?” Morgan: “Yes, I am unsure of the plot structure and character arcs of the film.” Driver: “Mix it all up. Make the characters say everything they’re doing. Like have a guy disappear, bring him back and then make him say, ‘I am back’. Or when a guy makes a great shot, let him say, ‘I’m a great shooter’.” The car does a screaming sideways drift as the desert sand whirls around like a tornado and Morgan attacks his keyboard. The car now enters a Middle Eastern metropolis. Morgan: “Let’s pick the stunts, bro.” Driver: “You did cars, you did planes, you did choppers. This time, let’s do cars diving from a plane like a Halo Jump, and cars smashing into choppers.” Morgan: “Like in Die Hard 4?” Driver: “Yeah, but faster and furiously.” The Lamborghini smashes into a shopping mall, breaking everything in sight, exits back on to the road without a single scratch and comes to a standstill. A bunch of girls in ridiculously skimpy skirts flock over and observe the magnificence of the car and its occupants. No one notices that in the distance, the creepy white-faced puppet on a tricycle from Saw and the rope-around-neck woman from The Conjuring are staring in horror at the wan-faced driver. Morgan: “Tom Cruise hung from the Burj Khalifa. We should do better than that.” Driver: “We’ll freaking triplicate the Khalifa and we’ll drive the freaking cars through the fiftieth freaking floor of the freaking Khalifa.” The car leaps into motion as the blast from the exhaust blows away the skimpy skirts, displaying designer underwear. The music amps up, Morgan and the driver slowly turn towards each other. Even as the car speeds up neither of them look at the road, they just look at each other, smiling and nodding. They know they have to bring back every single character from the previous FF films. They know they have to introduce a Nick Fury type person who teams them all up. They know they have a blockbuster on their hands. ‘This is our Avengers!’ they say in unison, as the Lamborghini leaps off a cliff at full speed, unspools a parachute, and floats away into the sunset.