Eight Bollywood films inspired by Pappu and Feku

The Vidhan Sabha elections had so much drama, masala, sleaze and thundering dialogue that several Bollywood remakes can be inspired by them. For Ram Gopal Varma’s benefit, here are some suggestions and sequences.

Deewar: The two main protagonists, Pappu and Feku, meet under a bridge in Delhi. It is pitch dark and there is a train whistling in the background. Nearby, somebody is sweeping the floor with a jhadoo. Feku: “Mere paas Gujarat hai, Rajasthan hai, Madhya Pradesh hai, Dilli hai. Tumhare pass kya hai; kya hai tumhare pass, hain?” Pappu rolls up his right sleeve with the left hand, scratches his stubble with the right and replies: “Mere paas…” The rest is drowned in the din of 1000 seetis.

Sholay: The guy with the Maa is holding a chintan shivir in the hills of Pachmarhi. As the flopping sound of sardar’s Italian leather chappals nears, the sidekicks suppress their smirks and feign fear. “Kitne aadmi the?” the sardar thunders. “Do, sardar,” one of them manages to abort his giggles in time. “Do aadmi aur rally teen, bahut nainsaafi hai,” the sardar says and disappears at the rate of escape velocity. Note: Don’t worry; he hasn’t escaped to Jupiter. He will be back in RGV’s sequel to be released in 2014.

Saheb, Beti aur Ghulam: The opening scene is ripped frame-by-frame from the original. An architect walks into the Saheb’s bungalow. A few seconds and a bit of digging later the camera zooms on a skeleton in a cupboard. This film has no audible dialogue. You need to snoop on the main characters or tap their phones to find out what is happening. It has no male characters. There are just lots of beards. _Kaali daadhi, safed daadhi, henna-dyed daadh_i…they stalk the screen in all possible colours. So, what draws in the audience? What is the film’s paisa-vasool moment? A split-second glimpse of Madhuri who-shouldn’t-be-named.

Namak Haraam: This one is shot in Rajasthan. In the climactic moments of the film, the male lead is negotiating a deal with packers and movers. He is interrupted by a phone call from his Boss. “Madam, we gave them pension,” he pleads. ‘Madam, we gave them laptops, even the journos got them,” he continues. “Madam, we gave them free paracetamol tablets. We cleaned their kidneys free, we counted their sperms free; we let their wives deliver babies free in our hospitals,” his tears are now in free-flow mode. The caller disconnects. The vanquished hero stares blankly. “Sab namak haraam hai re,” he says and walks into a sunset.

Main Chup Rahoongi a.k.a. Singh Sahab the Great: The original was a Meena Kumari tearjerker. Here the main character is Singh Sahab the Great and the audience does the tearjerking. Throughout the film, many people scream and shout at him, a few even ridicule, punch and malign him, but Singh Sahab maintains a statuesque silence. Hours after the end credits stop rolling, he is shown mumbling: “Hazaron jawabon se achchi hai…” Only the usher hears him.

Roti: The film got delayed a bit as the producers couldn’t agree on the title. Poori Roti, Aadhi Roti, poori, aadhi, they couldn’t decide. The issue was finally settled with advice from Raj Babbar. The title Poori Roti was dumped because of its inflationary connotation.

Ram Leela—Voton ki Raas Leela: This is a multi-starrer shot at just one locale. It is still under production so only the teaser trailers are out. One of them shows an old man reclined on a bolster. He is too weak to move because of his nth fast in memory of something called Lokpal. The next one captures a Baba running away at midnight as cops hunt for him. Since he is draped in a saree, cops take the Baba for a Bibi and let him go. The third shows a man in a half-sleeve sweater and a topi with ‘Main Arvind Hoon’ written on it jiving to: AAP Chahe Dilli, Dilli Chahe AAP; In donon ke beech mein Sheila ka kya kaam…

Buddha Hoga Tera Baap: This one is being secretly planned in some secluded corner of Delhi for a May 2014 release. Our octogenarian hero learns Hema, Mamata, Jaya and Sushma are differing from the famous catchline of a detergent powder jingle. He overhears that the bestselling brand from Gujarat is not sabki pasand in Delhi. So he rushes out to become the unanimous choice. The seeti-taali moment of the film comes when somebody points at his age. Our star lowers his reading glasses, straightens his back and squeaks: “Buddha kisko bola re? Buddha hoga….” At this point the dream sequence ends abruptly.

The End.