Depressed by the World Cup? Here's an India-Australia match to lift your spirits

Has the India-Australia encounter at this World Cup semi-final brought you down? Take heart. At least the match at Sydney Cricket Ground didn’t face the kind of challenges that threatened the India-Australia match in Dev Anand’s Awwal Number.

Starring Anand, Aamir Khan and Aditya Pancholi, Awwal Number was about cricket and terrorism, with a few songs by Bappi Lahiri thrown in for good measure. DIG Vicky’s (Anand) younger brother Ronny (Pancholi) is a celebrated cricketer. Everything seems to be going swimmingly for him until a fresh-faced newcomer named Sunny (Khan) starts making headlines.

Sunny’s ascent makes Ronny insecure and the senior cricketer gets his knickers in a twist. By the time Sunny is about to make his international debut in a match with Australia, Ronny’s been kicked out of the team. Cricket lovers adore Sunny, which isn’t helping Ronnie’s mood.

To take revenge upon the ungrateful nation that doesn’t appreciate Ronny’s awesomeness and because he’s jealous of Sunny, Ronny does the most logical thing: he decides to bomb the stadium during the India-Australia match, when Sunny’s on strike. The poor man has no idea that terrorists are using his rage against Sunny’s machine to carry out their dastardly plans against India. Fortunately for them, Ronny has knickers in such a twist over Sunny that there’s no chance of him backing out.

It’s the day of the match and the game is going about as badly for India in Awwal Number as it did in the real World Cup match in Sydney. While Australia hits India for boundary after boundary, DIG Vicky scrabbles around, investigating the terrorist plot in which his brother is playing a key role.

After some phone-tapping, eyebrow-scrunching and a lot of head bobbing, Vicky learns Ronny is planning to go up with a camera crew on a helicopter, ostensibly to get a bird’s eye view of the match. However, that’s just an excuse. Actually, Ronny is carrying a remote control which can set off the “dynamite” that’s been buried under the pitch. All Ronny needs to ensure is that he’s about 300 yards from the buried dynamite and then it will be bombs away.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the pitch India is playing on is literally dynamite. And yes, the pitch was dug up and dynamite was buried — much like a dog would bury a bone — and in broad daylight.

Clueless about all this, the India-Australia match continues at ground level. Wickets are falling like flakes of scalp from a dandruff-ridden head. The only one holding strong is Sunny. Then, in an ode to bodyline, the Australians bowl a bouncer that whacks Sunny on his head. He falls to the ground and the air reverberates with “I love you Sunny, I love you Sunny”. No, it isn’t the crowd. It’s one voice, a woman’s.

What sorcery is this, you wonder?

Allow us to rewind. Earlier, while dropping him off at the stadium, Sunny’s girlfriend gave him a dictaphone in which she’d recorded herself saying, “I love you Sunny”. “If you ever feel nervous or scared, just play this and you’ll be fine,” she tells him. Obediently, he’d put the dictaphone in his pocket and come out to play. Because it’s not like having that in your pocket is a distraction or anything.

Lo and behold, the dictaphone works its magic! When Sunny falls to the ground, the dictaphone is turned on and its speakers announce, “I love you Sunny”. Immediately, Sunny springs back to his upright position and resumes hitting boundaries.

Maybe if the Indian cricket team management invested in dictaphones, our batsmen may perform better? Wives and girlfriends of Indian cricketers, please take note.

Meanwhile, up in the air, there’s high drama. Ronny (with the remote control in his pocket) is hovering over the stadium. Vicky has gone after Ronny in a second helicopter. There’s a mid-air chase that has to be aborted because Vicky’s helicopter starts malfunctioning. Vicky has no choice but to land his helicopter a distance away from the stadium. This results in a fantastic sequence in which we’re shown a toy helicopter landing on a roof and urged to believe that it has Dev Anand inside it.

As Ronny gets the pilot to lower the helicopter so that his remote control is within range to blow up the stadium, Vicky warns others in the helicopter through headphones of Ronny’s explosive intentions. The shocked camera crew fall upon Ronny, trying to wrest the remote control away from him. But Ronny is a man who believes in back up plans. He’s carrying a gun and ends up shooting the navigation panel so that the pilot can’t fly the helicopter away from the stadium.

It doesn’t seem to bother Ronny that this would also make his getaway a little difficult, but thanks to Bollywood-style aerodynamics, the helicopter is suspended and stationary, at 300 yards above the stadium.

Ronny also kills two of the camera crew, which just goes to show the sports beat isn’t without its hazards.

None of this affects the match that’s underway below. The show, as they say, must go on. One batsmen does complain that the helicopter’s whirring is messing with his concentration, but no one is affected when Ronny is on his shooting spree. The show, after all, must go on.

Vicky tries to appeal his kid brother’s good sense. He reminds Ronny of Mummy and Daddy. He points out to Ronny that Sunny is playing in Ronny’s style. Somehow, Ronny is able to hear the cricket commentary up in the helicopter and although the comparisons mollify him temporarily, when Sunny keeps hitting fours and sixes, Ronny decides he’s had enough. He reaches for the remote.

But never fear, Dev Anand’s Vicky is near. Actually, he’s miles away on a random roof in south Mumbai, but he’s got a gun and crazy good eyesight. Making the dude in American Sniper look like a carnival act, Vicky puts his eye to his sten gun’s viewfinder. He spots Ronny’s hand, taking out the remote. And then, in the name of cricket and country, Vicky shoots Ronny in the chest.

Below, Sunny hits a winning sixer.

Spare a thought for the pilot who has to hover over the stadium while being surrounded by dead bodies and listen to the rousing cheer from the stadium.

As someone wise once said, victory comes at great cost.

You can watch all two and a half hours of Awwal Number here . It will definitely make you realise there are worse things than a World Cup defeat.