Dear Aamir, please don't make the Sachin movie

By Tanmay Bhat It’s the year of biopics. First we saw a three-hour commercial for protein shake, also known as Bhaag Milkha Bhaag. Then it was reported that Priyanka Chopra will be playing Mary Kom in her biopic. The latest news is that Aamir Khan (of new monthly moustache fame) has made an open declaration that he would want to play Sachin Tendulkar in a movie. As they colloquially say, he ‘called dibs’ on Sachin and in one fine sweep showed the other Khans the finger. I have one thing to say to Lord Aamir: Please don’t make a Sachin movie. Honestly, Aamir didn’t really need to claim the Sachin movie for himself because I doubt any other Khan could pull off playing Sachin. Salman can’t do Sachin because in the movie Sachin will probably end up totalling his Ferarri. Besides, Salman can’t play Sachin ‘coz Salman can only play ‘Salman’, and imagine how that would work. [caption id=“attachment_1236011” align=“alignleft” width=“380”] Courtesy: Reuters and ibn live[/caption] Shastri: Sachin, why aren’t you retiring? Sachin: Maine ek baar commitment kar di toh main BCCI ki bhi nahi sunta… I’d hate to see Shah Rukh play Sachin because I don’t want to see a movie where Indian team does the world cup winning victory lap across the ground while Sachin is arguing with the watchman to let him inside the Wankhede. (Although I’d pay money to watch Sachin say “K-k-k-k-k-kambli”). Also, I’m already seeing SRK and Sachin in every third advertisement. So Aamir is clearly the only, er, best choice. Plus, Aamir is just a few years older than Sachin’s 40 years. But of course, Aamir would want to play Sachin since he discovered the sport, which would mean that once again a 48-year-old dude would pretend to be a teenager. Seriously, has anybody told Aamir he’s not Benjamin Button? Just a reminder, in the last movie that Aamir played a college kid, Sharman Joshi threw himself off a building as a sign of protest. If this film is made, everything we loved and adored about Sachin will slowly get tainted once the PR machinery kicks into action. We’ll all be told that Aamir dedicated three months at a cricket coaching camp because Aamir’s a perfectionist and…you know… 24 years of rigorous hard work, skill and technique can totally be learnt in a three-month camp at Amby Valley. That gorgeously curly set of hair that was symbolic to Sachin (before he went full Rohit Bal) will now be “Aamir’s latest look” for the movie and will be unveiled at a press conference. Some journalist will ask Aamir, “Why did you choose this haircut?” and thus instantly reversing the process of evolution from that point on. The movie of course will be super tacky complete with OTT song and dance because aam junta must feel like they’ve escaped reality in the movie hall even if the movie is about entirely real events that they have already lived in real time. (Notice how the best biopic about an Indian was made Richard Attenborough, who was British?). “Aila – the movie” will be no less. At some point in the first half, we’ll see our first song where Sachin dances in his dressing room with Salil Ankola and Manoj Prabhakar after a match winning innings because apparently sportspersons can bond with each other only under severely unhygienic conditions while sporting a ganjee. Of course, the scene where Sachin meets Anjali for the first time at Mumbai airport will be a case of mistaken identity because picture mein comedy bhi daala hai dekho dekho see see. I can’t wait to see the scene where Sachin finds out that he has tennis elbow and so he takes a helicopter and comes running into a mansion where his mother (Supriya Pathak) is standing with a thali of abdomen guards. For a moment though, let’s be real. Let’s not pretend the Sachin movie would be a canvas to show our love for the guy. Like all things Bollywood, it’ll be about the money. Let’s not forget, this is the place that did four Bhagat Singh tribute movies in the same year. Even the Deols got to play Bhagat-Sukhdev-Rajguru, like it’s some sort of pre-independence Yamla Pagla Deewana. There are other sporting biopics and stories that this generation could learn from. Sachin’s life is well documented and has been studied almost like a textbook by every kid who grew up with him. A movie about it will feel like a really bad adaptation of a book that the whole country has read over 24 years. The only thing worse might be an audio-book of his biography read by L. Sivaramakrishnan. What must it be like to carry a billion hopes day in and day out for almost quarter of a century? How does he think the way he does? What’s he like in the dressing room? Does he also do normal regular human things like most of us? These are the kind of questions that really center around this godly aura that we’ve all created and revelled in his whole career. Any dramatic recreation that tries to answer any of them will simply not cut it. You simply cannot recreate the innocence of Sachin’s monosyllabic answers to Tom Alter in his first interview. No way can one re-make that gut-wrenching walk back after the Pakistan-Chennai test match. Let’s not even try to recreate the tension of Sharjah ‘98 on celluloid. It’s that slight void that we all feel that’ll keep Tendulkar alive. No movie can fix that. Though if Aamir Khan really wants to play a cricketer, maybe he could play Kambli. With him, Aamir can do what he wants. Nobody will whine. Except maybe Kambli. Tanmay Bhat is a writer, comedian, podcaster and co founder of All India Bakchod. You can find him on Twitter as @thetanmay or on Facebook.