Coldplay is the ideal band to perform in Mumbai; Naysayers be damned!

Ah, thayir sadam…

Or curd rice — it depends on what resonates more with you. I don’t know what associations other people make with this fine culinary delight, but to me it represents safety. It’s the sort of thing I’m forced to eat when I’m terribly unwell, due to the fact that it’s bland, easy to digest, fairly ‘regular’ (in that way) and just safe. With thayir sadam, there’s almost no risk of gastric pyrotechnics — of either variety, mind you — and no chance of you burning your tongue or offending your olfactory senses. Which is probably why I associate this particular snack (or meal, depending on the volume of your intake) with British quartet Coldplay. Now, the word on the grapevine is that the band could be coming to India in November . I’ll reserve my opinion. What I will say, however, is that there could not be a more perfect band to visit India — nay, to visit Mumbai than Coldplay. Unless, that is, there was to be a Gerry and the Pacemakers reunion. But back to Chris Martin and his cohorts. Their perfect suitability for Mumbai has a lot to do with how safe they are. Whether you’re looking at the type of music, the content of the music or the reputation of the musicians involved (let’s face it: Martin, Jonny Buckland, Guy Berryman and Will Champion aren’t exactly David Lee Roth, Nikki Sixx, Courtney Love and Lemmy). With that brand of music and those people-you-could-take-home-to-meet-your-grandmother personas, Coldplay is least likely to cause anyone any offence — unless you find yawning offensive, considering the band’s music has been described as ’the sound of humanity yawning’.

Why Data? Well, it’s because he wore a uniform, and apart from the black bits, it was all yellow. Apart from being inoffensive, the band’s music is also fairly ‘regular’ (yes, in the sense to which I had alluded earlier). There’s no random screaming, no impromptu blast beats, no screeching guitar solos, no calls for circle pits, no death growls of “LET ME F**KIN’ HEAR YOU, GLASGOW!”, no profanity and well, nothing out of the ordinary. Consistency and regularity. Both of which also make the band’s output very easy to digest, which could explain Coldplay’s massive fanbase in India and overseas. So that means there will be demand. The show/s will sell out in minutes. Everyone’s a winner. Again, another reason it’s the perfect band to bring to India. Plus, November is bang in the middle of the NH7 Weekender season and what better way to ensure a sellout show — particularly considering the increasing turgidity of Weekender lineups over the past couple of years — than to introduce the perfect antidote to this ’turgidity’: A laxative called Coldplay (to push that metaphor a little bit further). Then, you’ve got the ‘safe’ factor. As a promoter or a member of security team, you can be safe in the knowledge that the band will turn up on time, will play the full set, will complete the set on time and will not set off any riots. Also, Coldplay shows won’t see barricades crashing (shame on you, Metallica!) or people storming the stage. In fact the only chaos that’s likely to break out at a Coldplay show is if someone, in a bid to take a selfie with his/her back to the stage, drops his/her cellphone and is rushing around to locate it. That, or if they run out of bottles of warm soda at the refreshments booth. Also and unless I’ve been grossly misled, they’re not from Pakistan. So, the Shiv Sena should have no problems either. These are interesting facts when looked at in isolation. Put them together and you have the perfect band to tour India. Did I mention I absolutely loathe the monotonous mess that is thayir sadam?