Shubh Mangal Saavdhan and erectile dysfunction: Why should masculinity be defined by libido?

Dear Mudit,

I call you Mudit because after Shubh Mangal Saavdhan, this is the character that represents all people with “gents’ problems”.

You may not look like Ayushmann Khurrana, and may not have Bhumi Pednekar as your fiancée. But you could still be dealing with something like erectile dysfunction. Maybe that’s why you get angry. Maybe that’s why you don’t seem to be in a happy relationship.

According to a study published in the Journal of Clinical and Diagnostic Research in 2015 , it is estimated that 320 million men in India could be dealing with erectile dysfunction. It would seem that penises are obeying Galileo’s Law of Fall: that unfortunate moment when this part of the male anatomy must submit to the tussle between gravity and libido — only to have gravity win. In this fight between physics and biology,  relationships must deal with the fallout — depleting chemistry. Puns aside, erectile dysfunction is a serious problem that leads to depression, anxiety and sometimes even violent outbursts, when ‘performance’ becomes the parameter by which the individual is judged.

You may have heard this old ‘joke’ — it goes: ‘how do you deflate your boyfriend’s confidence?’ You ask him: ‘Is it in?’

The penis is shamed for being flaccid, for not being erect for too long, for its size. Most men, gay or straight, have looked at porn — to feel happy or sad about their own size, depending on the performer they looked at. Size is something that’s spoken of in the realm of fantasy and not function, because if it was the latter, then they’d know — as sexpert Dr Mahinder Watsa often mentions in his Mumbai Mirror columns — you can be satisfied and satisfy even with a small penis. Among heterosexual couples, author and researcher Micheal Castleman states in Psychology Today that  84 percent of women (i.e. 7 in 8 women) think their partner’s penis size is just fine.  Interestingly, a study conducted by scientists Anthony Bogaert and Scott Hershberger found that heterosexual men conform much more to masculine behaviour, are concerned/preoccupied about the size of their penises, and desirous of larger ones.

Yes Mudit, men are often pampered overmuch in India — that is part of what patriarchy entails. However, the truth is also that the penis is penalised unjustly. Women can get a divorce on the basis of the husband’s impotence (or the marriage not being consummated). In a 2013 judgement , the court ruled in favour of the wife stating: “It is (a) well settled law that if the respondent is impotent and the marriage has not been consummated, then it causes cruelty to the wife. Therefore, in this situation, mental cruelty is caused to the wife and on this ground, she is entitled to stay separate and claim maintenance.”

It is a scary world Mudit, especially when you realise that your worth is measured by the erectness of your penis. Women have been long subjugated and blamed for not bearing children — even if it was the man who had the problem. No matter where the actual issue lies, it is the woman who is called ‘barren’, ‘baanjh’ and other unpleasantries. However, this cannot be a justification for society to do the same with men as well. Don’t get me wrong — I am a staunch feminist, and a feminist believes in equality of genders.

In Shubh Mangal Saavdhan, when Mudit was taken to a doctor by his father-in-law, the entire theatre was in splits. But the empath in me died a little. Why should erectile dysfunction be anyone’s concern but the couple’s? Why is it the state’s problem, the court’s problem, the country’s problem? Yes, if  anger arising from sexual issues is directed against their partner’s, then the law can be brought into the picture. But if not, there is no necessity to make this into some sort of public drama.

Mudit, not every woman is like Sugandha, who says, ‘Shadi ke baad meri problem hoti toh kyaa aap mujhe chhod dete?’ but we can only hope that there are more Sugandhas in this world who are as understanding and more Mudits who don’t vent their frustrations out on their loved ones.

While one hopes that Ali Baba rises on entering the cave, even if he doesn’t, well. he can choose to be happy. May your Ali Baba ‘rise to the occasion’. May all your “gents’ problems” be solved.

Regards,

Harish