Alone review: Bipasha's 'buy one get one free' offer isn't worth it

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Jan,19 2015 11:45:26 IST

By Vaibhav Vishal

First things first (and to hell with political correctness), just who in his right mind would fall in love with one part of an attached pair of humans, even if they were given a written guarantee that the said consortium would become Bipasha Basu multiplied by two (legs included)? I really cannot fathom the motivation behind this obsessive ‘Buy One Get One Free’ arrangement. Or unless your singular raison d’être is the possibility of regular ménage à trois. (Arbitrary French usage, I know. But this is how you unsleaze your sleaze in the Queen’s language.)

So yeah, the 14-year old bargain hunter Kabir falls in love with Sanjana, one of the two conjoined twins, and ignores the other, Anjana. Naturally, the one that he does not fall in love with gets extremely jealous of the other. But this love is not to last forever. Kabir goes to Leeds University and comes back to India after 10 long years, having undergone almost as drastic a transformation as his lady love Sanjana. She has lost a person (the conjoined twins were operated upon to be separated and Kabir has gained muscles, tattoos and a stubble. They get married and in no time, there are cracks in their marriage. Meanwhile, in case you were wondering, the other twin is dead.

This is where Alone starts. Sanjana’s mom falls ill, so Muscles and she go home to Kerala. Except instead of God’s Own Country, it’s now Ghost’s Own Country. The entire place appears rickety, with just about anything and everything – creaking doors, banging windows, window-panes, fans, clocks, watches, lights, light switches, taps, breathing, snoring, dogs – making a roaring ruckus. Add to that Sanjana (or is it Anjana?) shrieking constantly, and you have the perfect complement to the ear-splitting environment.

Courtesy: Facebook

Courtesy: Facebook

Of course, all this is peppered with accidental songs, water bodies and stacks of taut skin. Toned torsos, shrunken cheeks, high cheekbones, heaving bosoms and plenty of human-fluids getting exchanged. Director Bhushan Patel gets the chemistry right by getting the lead pair to constantly suck faces. The rest is made up by capturing Basu’s lower body parts from awkward camera angles.

Basu, the new patron saint of the horror scene in India, plays Sanjana who gets haunted by the dead sister. Muscles, also known as Karan Singh Grover, displays his entire range of protein-shaken emotions through his chiselled chest, while playing the unsupportive and then supportive husband. Zakir Hussain, he of Johnny Gaddaar and Revolver Rani fame, joins in the fun, playing a professor who runs The Healing Institute of Kottayam and utters lines like “That’s ennuf!” Neena Gupta plays the mother with aplomb. The screaming bai, Sulabha Arya, and her daughter, add to the screechfest.

There’s also a rudraksh-wearing exorcist who enters the scene with his Vashikaran Mantra and drives the black soul out of Anjana. Or Sanjana. Basically, one Bipasha is driven out of another Bipasha. Some more randomosity later, we realize the sister we thought was dead was not dead, and the dead sister was actually alive and the one who was living was actually dead. Or some such. I was not paying attention. Nobody was. Some more drama ensues, there is yet another unnecessary twist to the tale and then comes the best part: the end.

Alone starts with a half decent premise. But that’s where it all ends. If you are a horror aficionado, chances are you’ve seen something akin to Alone back in the late ’80s or early ’90s. It seems we’re still stuck in the same time capsule, dishing out the same stories with the same phony formula: same skin show, same professors, same babas, same sound effects, and, hell, even the same make up. The likes of Deepak Parashar and Puneet Issar would be proud of this one.

(Vaibhav Vishal a middlebrow creative resource attached to a film company in Mumbai. One of the key goals in his life is to master the brooding Ajay Devgn expression. He is @ofnosurnamefame on Twitter and blogs on www.ofnosurnamefame.com.)

Updated Date: Jan 19, 2015 11:45 AM