Akshay Kumar's 'Gabbar is Back' offends diapers, coconuts and the original Gabbar

Deepanjana Pal

May,03 2015 13:19:39 IST

Akshay Kumar's Gabbar is Back has just hit the theatres, but it's already caused something of a sensation. Letters have been pouring in to Team Gabbar 2015. Some are outraged, some are supportive, all are necessary reading. Team Gabbar 2015 is reportedly rather overwhelmed. Here's a sample of what's in their inbox, for your reading pleasure.

Dear Gabbar (2015),

This is with reference to your attempt to cash in on the popularity and fame of my client, Gabbar the Original henceforth referred to as Gabbar (1975), with the film Gabbar is Back. Although Gabbar (1975) has not made any official comment — there are rumours that he was heard laughing manically while rolling around in his grave — I represent him and the general, sane public interest with the following enquiries:

1. Gabbar (1975) did not go away. He is seen on television, which shows Sholay at regular intervals. Ergo, since he hasn't gone anywhere, he cannot come back.
2. Akshay Kumar as Gabbar (2015) - why?

Yours sincerely,

Gabbar (1975) 4 Eva

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Dear Gabbar (1975) 4 Eva,

Please refer to the title track of Gabbar is Back, in which we make our veneration of the original Gabbar quite obvious with the line, Gabbar sabse upar man.

As for the actor playing the role, please note Kumar has better hair, better teeth, better biceps and better beard growth. He is significantly hotter than Amjad Khan, so really, Gabbar shouldn't complain. Kumar can even make a moustache as large and weird as the one Gabbar has in the flashback, look good. Be thankful, and enjoy.

Also, please note the scene early on in the film, in which Gabbar (2015) types the letters g, a, b (twice consecutively), a and r to the accompaniment of a dramatic soundtrack. Typing has rarely been treated like a high-octane action sequence, but we have done this because we luv Gabbar. You're welcome.

Yours sincerely,

Gabbar (2015)'s Brand Manager

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Dear Gabbar (2015),

That's not a moustache. It's a tent. Please send to Nepal, where it's needed.

Not yours,

Gabbar (1975) 4 Eva

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Courtesy: Facebook

Courtesy: Facebook

Dear Gabbar (2015),

I am writing to you on behalf of Good Stories & Good Storytelling (GSGS), a vigilante group that hopes to combat the ghastly plots and abysmal writing that cripple contemporary Indian culture. In your film, you do the following:

1. expect us to believe Akshay Kumar is a physics professor
2. suggest that public hangings are the way to stop corruption
3. claim Shruti Haasan can act
4. waste Kareena Kapoor in an idiotic cameo
5. create a villain whose idea of establishing his fearsome self is to yell, "I'M A BRAND!"
6. set up a climax in which the triumphant hero yells, "GABBAR IS A BIGGER BRAND!"
What gives, bro? There's literally nothing that's anywhere close to real in this film. The so-called idealism is just plain and simple rabble-rousing. And the plot! It's so tired and predictable, it's like a remake of a remake of a remake. (Wait a minute....)

Please don't write stuff like this or we might just have to kill you. :)

Also, what's with the wind machines that are seem to follow Gabbar around?

Cheers,

GSGS

PS
Full marks on the way you make Kareena Kapoor exit though. Totally didn't see that coming.

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Dear GSGS,

1. Bengalis don't scare us.
2. To quote Gabbar (2015), YOUTH POWER! (We're not entirely sure what that means but we've been told that there are a lot of young Indians who are angry. So we figure if we yell "youth power" a few times, they'll buy tickets and make the film a blockbuster.)
3. Stop expecting South remakes to have things like common sense and plot. Go watch a documentary if you want that sort of thing.

Yours sincerely,

Gabbar (2015)'s Brand Manager

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Dear Gabbar (2015),

I am writing to you from the Freudian School of Psychology. I have seen the first day, first show of Gabbar is Back. After noting the machismo that Gabbar is desperately trying to display, his attempt to be a father figure and watching the hero and the villain argue with each other about who is the bigger brand, I would like to tell you that you don't need to try so hard. Also, if you should want therapy, our couches are at your service.

Yours,

Dr. Waddafuq

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Dear Dr. Waddafuq,

Thank you for your kind offer. We will probably take you up on it once the box office figures start coming in.

Yours sincerely,

Gabbar (2015)'s Brand Manager

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Dear Gabbar (2015),

I am writing to you on behalf of the coconuts of India. You have a line in your film that says, "Rishwat naryal jaisi ho gayi hai". Coconuts — tender and otherwise — would like to register that they are appalled to be likened to bribery. They are fruit and highly nutritious, and in Hindu culture, they are considered auspicious. It is grossly unfair to coconuts to liken them to bribes.

My clients would request that you crack a few dozen coconuts on your head. Perhaps that will knock some sense into you. There are a number of coconuts, whose relatives were cracked open for Gabbar is Back's mahurat, who are more than willing to martyr themselves by volunteering to be cracked on Gabbar (2015)'s head.

Warm regards,

Narikel Naadu, LLB

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Dear Mr. Naadu,

No offence was intended to the coconuts of India and no coconuts were harmed during the making of this film.

Yours sincerely,

Gabbar (2015)'s Brand Manager

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Dear Gabbar (2015),

First of all, congratulations on your new film. We, the Indian Diaper Excellence Association (IDEA!), would like to express how happy we were to see how you have highlighted diapers and their utility in the film. What a wonderful idea to underscore the need to make babies wear diapers by having a baby pee on Gabbar!

Also, with reference to the dialogue, "Hamara system bachchon ki diaper tarah ho gaya hai", allow us to point out in the interest of the System, or whatever is wearing the diapers, that a newborn can use up to 12 diapers a day. So stock up!

Finally, allow us to acquaint you with the innovations and range that is now available in diapers. Diapers now have leakguards, and come in a variety of styles like swaddlers, splashers and cruisers. A catalogue is attached for your reference.

Yours adoringly,
IDEA!

P.S. We would also like to applaud for the mindblowing attention to detail that is in evidence when, after delivering a baby in the backseat of a car with nothing but her heavy breathing skills and then wrapping the newborn in your sweaty hoodie, Shruti Haasan feels that the only detail a doctor needs to know about the infant is that she cut his umblicial cord with a Swiss Army Knife. Bravo, sir!

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Dear IDEA!

Can you give me more information on the Sassy Baby Disposable variety?

Thanks and regards,

Gabbar (2015)'s Brand Manager

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Dear Gabbar (2015),

I'm writing to you from Google. Google is an American multinational technology company specializing in Internet-related services and products. These include online advertising technologies, search, cloud computing, and software. Its most popular product is the search engine which handles more than three billion searches a day.

In your film Gabbar is Back, the hero's love interest Shruti (Shruti Haasan) constantly mentions that she has got information from Google. For instance, just before getting hit by a car, she mentions that she's read on Google that a high percentage of people have accidents because they're on their phone while crossing roads. Almost every dialogue that Shruti speaks includes a reference to Google.

We'd like to register a formal complaint against your attempt to bring disrepute to Google Search Engine. This product regularly provides information to a vast number of people. To imply that regularly accessing Google will make you as idiotic and ditzy as Shruti is a grave disservice.

Please Google "well-written female characters" and "real women in film" before creating a heroine.

Yours sincerely,

Google.

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Dear Google,

We use Duck Duck Go.

Thanks and regards,

Gabbar (2015)'s Brand Manager

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Dear Gabbar (2015),

I am writing to you from the Association of Physics Teachers of India (APTI). It has come to our attention that you claim Gabbar is a Physics professor. However, one of our members went to see the film and she would like to point out the following:

1. Physics lectures are conventionally not conducted on veranda
2. Pummelling and physics are not the same thing
3. Breaking a hockey stick on one's thigh is highly improbably, as per Physics
4. What has Physics ever done to harm you that you would have it associated with Akshay Kumar?

We would, however, like to thank you for making the Physics professor-aspect of Gabbar entirely vague. For the better part of the film, we were certain that he was an out-of-work hangman and it came as quite a twist in the tale to learn he's a professor. We live in hope that the vagueness will be enough to protect Physics' reputation being damaged.

Our anxieties aside, we would like to commend you on the way you've introduced experimenting with gravity in Gabbar is Back. Clearly, the villainous construction mogul Digvijay Patil has fiddled with the state of gravity in his compound because how else can Gabbar just pick up a lamppost and use it like a tennis racket?

Not to mention that fantastic moment when the thoroughly overweight Patil is kicked into the air only to land on terra firma, bounce like a basketball and then land in the swimming pool. Our theoretical physicist friends almost wet themselves when that happened.

Yours sincerely,

APTI

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Dear APTI,

No Physics professors were harmed in the making of this. Unfortunately, we cannot guarantee the same for the Physics professors watching the film. On their heads be it.

Yours sincerely,

Gabbar (2015)'s Brand Manager

Updated Date: May 03, 2015 13:26 PM