A running commentary on Aamir-Katrina's Dhoom:3

The plot in brief: Chicago-based Sahir works in circuses and robs one particular bank on the side. The reason he’s targeting that one bank is that it was responsible for bringing down his father’s venture, The Great Indian Circus. Some 30 years later, Sahir is out for revenge. His heists damage the bank’s business but also enable Sahir to revive his father’s dream circus. The befuddled Chicago police turn to their Mumbai compatriots for help, which is how Dhoom regulars Jay and Ali land up in Chicago. It’s a face-off between Sahir and Jai, which leaves the audience with a flurry of questions. Who will do the slowest slow-mo? What secrets will be revealed? Who will have the more pointless role: Uday Chopra or Katrina Kaif? Here beginneth the running commentary of Dhoom:3, starring Aamir Khan, Abhishek Bachchan, Uday Chopra, Katrina Kaif and a lot of confused white people. Opening: “Chicago 1990.” Apparently, kids wore peaked caps and dressed like Oliver Twist in the nineties. Late teens and adults: bandanna, jacket etc. Boy: peaked cap, waistcoat-like sweater, jacket. Things that shouldn’t happen to you when you watch an 8am show (they haven’t even started up the coffee machines!): be faced with Jackie Shroff at 8.10 am. [caption id=“attachment_1298695” align=“alignleft” width=“425”] Aamir Khan in Dhoom:3. Screengrab from YouTube.[/caption] Shroff runs a circus. Please god, don’t make him come before us dressed as a clown. This is not supposed to be a horror film, it’s supposed to be a family entertainer. Phew. No clown. Only magician, with a boy (his son, Sahir) and a chest. Shroff puts up a special show for the bank – Western Bank of Chicago – that’s threatening to shut him down. The CEO and two flunkies watch the show, but aren’t impressed. Being efficient white people, they’re carrying the paperwork with them. Watch the show, hand over the notice, no need to come by the office next morning. If you think about it, they saved Shroff subway fare. Shroff shoots himself in the head. Sahir = Aamir Khan. Those bulging muscles make me feel extremely grateful for not watching Dhoom:3 in IMAX 3D. That and the fact that I’m Rs 800 richer, if sleep-deprived. Sahir = tap dancer, dude who walks down the side of buildings, can ride a bike on a cable and knows how to write messages in Hindi while robbing American banks. “Bank-waalon tumhari aisi ki taisi” is actually burnt into the metal of the vaults. You’d think people would hear that sort of thing happening. Maybe Sahir has laser vision like Superman. After all, he does seem to have Batman’s discarded gadgets. Where is Jai Dixit (Abhishek Bachchan)? Ah. He’s in an auto (budget cuts?), which explains him being late. Traffic’s a killer in Mumbai. This auto chase is more a testament to the sturdiness of Mumbai chawls. An auto – with Uday Chopra and Bachchan in it – is cruising over the roofs and nothing’s collapsed. Most impressive. Meanwhile in Chicago, the CEO of Western Bank of Chicago is still the same gent who drove Shroff to suicide. And we complain about Indian politicians. Now he’s being robbed and he’s not happy. “CEO: Who’s this guy that’s robbing us? Cop: He’s a thief, sir.” Someone give the cop a cupcake. Wait. Jai and Ali have been flown to America because the thief’s signature is in Hindi? Why not just go to Devon Avenue (Chicago’s Little India) instead? And heeeeere’s Katrina Kaif! Also known as Aliya, “Asian goddess who sings and dances like liquid electricity”. Yes, she calls herself that. Explains why she’s unemployed. “Kamli” is supposed to be Aaliya auditioning to be a circus performer. She’s wearing a coat, overalls and a hat. In the order that they are stripped: Coat Overalls Shirt Leggings Top 1 Top 2, which is actually a long strip of white bandage wrapped around her upper torso. By the end of the song, she’s in two sports bras and one very short pair of shorts. I’m not saying anyone’s complaining. I’m just saying this is not your regular circus performer. Jai’s grand plan to catch this notorious Hindi-speaking bank thief? Goad him into committing another bank heist. Can’t help feeling they’d be better off analysing his Hindi handwriting. Ooh. Sahir shows up to meet Jai, pretending to be an informer on the real bank robber, a clown called “Chup-chaap Charlie.” How do we know “Chup-chaap Charlie” is the bank robber? Because, according to Sahir, the one time Chup-chaap Charlie spoke, he also used the phrase “aisi ki taisi”. It’s because he’s able to procure conclusive evidence like this that Jai Dixit is a super cop. Third cops-and-robbers chase of the first half. Such slow-mo. Much screeching. So totally not thrilling. Sahir’s bike can collapse its handles and turn into a boat. Move over Knight Rider. The Great Indian Circus is basically Gurgaon’s Kingdom of Dreams. Sahir has abs painted on his torso. And there was poor Aamir Khan, working out like a beast. If Kaif and Khan spend most of their time together prancing around mid-air in order to obscure how much taller Kaif is, it’s not helping. No matter what the cameraman does, Khan looks shorter. Probably because he is. Major twist in tale revealed, we already know the identity of the bank robber and it’s only intermission. Why am I supposed to stick around for the second half? There is now a stampede around the Cafe Coffee Day in the cinema. Ali to Jay: “Dimaag apna kishmish. Chhota aur meetha. Zyada use karega to ghis jayega.” (My brain is like a raisin. Short, sweet and easily crushed.) Is everyone going to have a double role in this film? Oh dear god. Uday Chopra dressed as Captain Jack Sparrow. Why did Katrina Kaif agree to do this movie? She’s barely there in the film. Have Aamir Khan’s ears always been this, well, flappy? Looking at the kind of things that Aamir Khan’s bike does in the Dhoom:3, can’t help wondering if his Sahir actually wanted to be Batman. So here’s the thing. Two bikes coming at each other once could be thrilling (ref: Mission Impossible). But when they go past each other, get to the end of the road, turn around and repeat this again and again, and it looks like the two people are jousting. Not only did jousting die out in the medieval era, but even Heath Ledger couldn’t make it cool. So Bollywood actors with steel rods don’t have much of a chance. If you’ve robbed a bank and got away with it, what would you do the morning after? a) Lie low b) Go for a morning bike ride on a dam in the middle of nowhere Apparently, (b) makes more sense. OMG. With his hair flattened, Abhishek Bachchan looks EXACTLY like Sunny Deol. Last scene of the film. It’s supposed to be causing hearts to melt and noses to sniffle. Instead there are groans and rounds of laughter in auditorium. The last song is the Dhoom:3 title track. It shows Katrina Kaif dancing interspersed with scenes that are supposed to be backstage footage from The Great Indian Circus. There’s more storytelling (and fun) in that song than in the rest of the film. In the interests of those who don’t like spoilers, let me just list the movies that you’re likely to recall vividly while watching Dhoom:3:   The Prestige Rain Man The Knight’s Tale Mission Impossible Ek Duje Ke Liye