A career tip for birthday Barbie Katrina Kaif: Learn to act
Today, on the momentous occasion of her 30th birthday, I have decided to take a page out of Glee (RIP Finn Hudson) and pretend to be her guidance counselor. Because it’s never too late for some good old-fashioned career advice.
Have I ever mentioned in the course of writing all my columns that Katrina Kaif is my favourite actor? No? Well that’s probably because it is as true as Narendra Modi’s secret conversion to Scientology. Or JK Rowling having ghost-written Five Point Someone. Or Edward Snowden’s real name being Jon Snowden, Bill Gates’s bastard child, out to make his mark in the world by joining the Night’s Watch and defending the wa –... you get the point, right? Kat is not my favourite actor and unless she suddenly wakes up one day after swapping bodies with Meryl Streep, chances are that she’ll never be.
This doesn’t mean I hate her though. Oh no. Even though I’ll never pick Katrina to accompany me if I ever win a free trip to Disneyland (Ian Somerhalder, keep your phone on loud!) I have immense respect for her.. ‘work’, which is the term some use to describe the activity that has allowed her to bob her way through the forgiving waters of the Indian film industry for many years without ever having to actually act.
Today, on the momentous occasion of her 30th birthday, I have decided to take a page out of Glee (RIP Finn Hudson) and pretend to be her guidance counselor. Because it’s never too late for some good old-fashioned career advice, when your claims to fame include being the most searched for Indian celebrity online and Choc-On ads. The only way to top Kat in Choc-On is Kat in a music video with Taher Shah, but let's not get too ambitious here.
If Bollywood pundits are to be believed, Kaif is now on top of the Bollywood pile of actresses. So what does she do now that she has achieved so much without really doing anything? For starters, she could look up Kishore Namit Kapoor, and find out if he’s related to any of the Kapoors that actually matter. If he isn’t, then psst! Find someone more famous with connections who can be of ACTUAL use. Then, she could enroll in acting classes and learn a few things, like how not to be the person who puts the “wood” in Bollywood (and not in the way that you might expect) and these magical, alien concepts called ‘expressions’ and ‘emotions’. Then she could take on a role that actually challenges her, because it has a script that’s held together with something more binding than chewing gum. A script in which she has a role, rather than a series of poses.
Fans of Katrina Kaif, I know you’re hating me at this moment and I get it. You don’t want to accept that your idol is actually a human being, especially since she has perfected the art of looking like waxwork (no surprise Kaif is the only Indian actress to have inspired a Barbie Doll). But can you imagine how amazing it would be if one day, you went to see Kat in a film and discovered, ZOMG, she’s actually acting, rather than coasting on her co-star’s box office appeal?
Actually, you’re right. Neither can I. Never mind. Kat, you keep choc-ing on. May your pout never flatten and your skin never tan. Happy birthday.
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