Just say it, Elon Musk, the damn rocket crashed, it didn’t ‘disassemble'

South African-born Canadian-American business magnate, engineer and inventor and founder, CEO and CTO of SpaceX raced to the top of the absurd acronym list with RUD yesterday. After his rocket failed to climb he called the collapse Rapid Unscheduled Disassembly. Till then, ‘idea showers’ and ‘paradigm shift’ and ‘combined synergy’ had been holding first position in the jargon stakes. But absurd acronyms, corporate doublespeak and gobbledygook have now reached a new high. [caption id=“attachment_961165” align=“alignleft” width=“380”]  Elon Musk. Reuters[/caption] There was a time not so long ago when Musk would have said, oops, the damn thing crashed, period. Now we sit at board meetings and wisely speak about the dangers of turning a tanker around with a speedboat mindset, whatever that means. Chairmen talk about hitting the ground running…try picturing that in your mind, leaping off a bus and going with the flow, after all only dead fish go with the current and you cannot push the envelope any further if you aren’t thinking out of the box and don’t have your finger on the market pulse.

RUD = Rapid Unscheduled Disassembly :)

— Elon Musk (@elonmusk) June 15, 2016

The American military and intelligence agencies who invented ‘death by friendly fire’ are experts at it. Figure this one: BGHR, get me the BUB instantly cos the enemy hostile is BVR and I might have to initiate a BMNT option. Makes complete sense; By God he’s Right, get me the Battle Update Brief cos the enemy hostile is Beyond Visual Range and I might have to initiate the Begin Morning Nautical Twilight option. (Sorry, no clue what that last one means.) Acronymitis, a word coined ex-dictionary is a verbal or writing disorder that compels us to obfuscate for effect. Read this ad for a lunch menu in a fancy restaurant. We are serving gently browned,. delicately hand-rolled whole wheat pancakes for breakfast today,stuffed with a mixture of lightly spiced mashed potatoes, sauteed onions livened up with just a hint of chilli,mint and coriander and topped with a swirl of golden butter. Accompaniments include beaten, fluffy yoghurt light as air and a home-made dip made from tender, young mangoes and spices, red as uncut rubies… Aloo ke paranthas and dahi with achaar. We engage in such tactics because it makes us feel more empowered and cutting edge, it covers our lack of knowledge and allows us the false imagery of intellect. Most importantly it acts as a cosmetic to hide our warts and blemishes. If you say to the team that the debt to equity ratio is on the high side everyone nods wisely. But if you say, guys, we are screwed, we are overstretched and sinking, then you are inept. So we do not say lay off staff, we say right size the company. We do not say, sack ten people, we say reallocate manpower resources for maximum output. We do not say on your bike, get going, we say we are letting you go, restructuring the company. What am I, a brick? With the advent of spin doctors doublespeak rose exponentially. Then came management gurus and consultants and they had to add a verbal equivalent to their charts with all those arrows going right, left and centre. You fiddle the company for increments you get an IIB; Individual Incentive Bonus. And if the bottom line is streaking into the red bring up the intangibly tangible GFI (goodwill factor input.) Got to go now, have to lead the troops up the hill to the picket…what troops?