The strange case of Dr Subbu, Mr Rao and a laxative

by Tenali Raman

A day after, observers are still scratching their heads over Dr Subbu’s prescription: was the double-dose of the generic drug he administered on 17 April a cure for a run-down economy, a palliative for runaway inflation, a placebo to calm down the patient, or something else?

Our snoop Vikatakavi, who keeps his ear to the ground in the hope of landing a big “scoop”, thinks he has hit pay-dirt. A day before the final 17 April consultation with the Good Doc, who has many rich businessmen and powerful policymakers as clients, Vikatakavi saw unusual activity near Dr Subbu’s clinic on Mint Street. Many rich patients were being wheeled in and most of them were mumbling something that sounded like “repo, repo” without pause. Some of them left the place clutching their heads in their hands, with resigned looks on their faces.

Vikatakavi had been staking the clinic for some time because he had heard contradictory rumours about whether Dr Subbu was really the MD from Harvard Medical School that he claimed to be, or a quack, with a fake medical degree from Bhagalpur. Vikatakavi, an experienced sting artist, had planted a bug to listen in to conversations in the clinic. Firstpost is in possession of a tape that records conversations that happened on 16 April.

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[caption id=“attachment_279415” align=“alignleft” width=“380” caption=“RBI governor D Subbarao. PTI”]  [/caption]

On this fateful day, one patient, in particular, caught Vikatakavi’s attention. The gentleman, whom we shall only identify with the initial “P” - as in P-note - in the interests of client confidentiality, was brought in in a particularly delirious condition, and he seemed to be having severe fits. Vikatakavi, who was close enough to hear him when he entered the clinic, says he seemed to be wheezing and making noises that sounded like “fisc, fisc” and thought the patient may pass out any time. “P’ went in on a wheelchair, but emerged clutching his stomach and seemed in some hurry to leave.

After listening to the transcripts of the conversations recorded by the bug, Vikatakavi has come up with this Strange Case of Dr Subbu and Mr Rao, the Doc and his assistant. His shocking conclusion is that the prescription given out to the last patient was prescribed by the quack, who was standing in for the Doc temporarily while he attended to an important personal call.

The following are excerpts from the conversation:

Dr Subbu: Rao, I hope we have seen the last of them. I am tired of listening to these rich buggers chanting “repo, repo” as though it is some magic cure for all their problems. I have an important call to make which may take around 15 minutes. If any more patients come in, just take down notes on their symptoms and tell them to relax…Most of them are probably just constipated but assume they have colon cancer…

Mr Rao: Sure, sure. Anyway I know how to deal with them.

Dr Subbu: But only take notes, don’t prescribe anything…

Mr Rao: Sure, sure. Don’t forget I too have a medical degree…

Dr Subbu:… from Bhagalpur. You are not authorised to prescribe anything.

At which point, Dr Subbu goes out of the clinic. Almost immediately after, our patient “P” enters the waiting room wheezing and muttering “fisc, fisc - I must see the doctor immediately.” He is sent into the clinic by the receptionist, where he sees Mr Rao on the Doc’s chair…

P: Where is Dr Subbu, I need him immediately…

Mr Rao: Relax, tell me your problem. Dr Subbu will be back soon. He has asked me to listen to your symptoms and take notes…

P: Doctor, I have this desperate need to borrow money and more money. Every free moment I have I think of borrowing… Please give the drug called Repo. It gives me some relief…

Mr Rao: Hmmm…Normally, the prescription for addiction is detox, not more drug doses. I read that somewhere…

P: But I must borrow, I must borrow. (Wheezes again). I can’t finance the government without that…And Soniaji wants me to fund several pet projects with borrowed money…

Mr Rao: Surely, the cure for more spending is not borrowing. It needs cuts somewhere else. Why don’t you try that? I read somewhere that if you remove diesel subsidies, you will be able to control your borrowing addiction….

P: I know that, I know that. Even Dr Manmohan agrees…

Mr Rao: Is Dr Manmohan your family doctor?

P: No, he is Soniaji’s Family Retainer. When she nods, he nods. And I am stuck with a slipping “fisc”. I need a Repo - please, Doc, prescribe a Repo - to make my addiction to borrowing at least cheaper…

Mr Rao: I can’t do that. Dr Subbu will throw a fit if I do that… Meanwhile, tell me your other symptoms…

P: I have a bloated import bill, which I can’t afford to pay; I have too many subsidies, which I can’t afford to pay; I have businessmen friends with pots of money, but they are unwilling to invest…They are refusing to invest till I can cure my urge to borrow and stop crowding them out of the market…

Mr Rao: I know that. They all came here before you…Tell me more…But I have heard Dr Subbu say that a Repo is out of the question. Why don’t you try policy pills like liberalisation, reduction of subsidies, etc? I am sure they work better.

P: I know, but I need a quick-fix. And Madam Mamata won’t allow me those allopathic remedies. She believes only in nature cure…

Mr Rao: Maybe you should consult Baba Ramdev…

P: But he will prescribe a fast, and I am unable to fast at my age. Don’t you see, only Repo will work…I need it, I need it. I need a Repo cut today, tomorrow, to borrow cheaper…Or I will die…I am dying, Doc, Please help me…

Mr Rao: Seems to me the economy is constipated, and needs a policy kick on the backside. Dr Subbu will surely say Repo is not the remedy to your problems.

P: I know, I know. Dr Kaushik told him to think out of the box, but Subbu (curse him) is adamant. He is cussed.

Mr Rao: And Dr Kaushik is…

P: My shrink, my economic shrink…

Mr Rao: And Dr Kaushik thinks the cure for economic constipation is to think out of the bogs?

P (in desperation): Mr Rao, I am sure you know as much about my ailment as Dr Subbu. Why don’t you prescribe a Repo? Why don’t you think out-of-the-box and give me that Repo pill?

Mr Rao (with a wink in his eye): Maybe I will, maybe I will…Are you sure Dr Kaushik has prescribed a Repo cut?

P: Yes, yes. And gimme the pill fast. I am about to pass out…

Mr Rao: Here’s a double-dose of it. And don’t tell Dr Subbu that I prescribed it. He will surely give me the sack. Take it one at a time over two months.

P: Thank you, thank you. You are a life-saver, Doc.

Mr Rao: Anytime. But don’t swallow both pills at the same time. It could have side-effects.

(We don’t know P’s reply to this piece of quack advice, but he apparently popped both pills immediately and was seen heading for the nearest public loo by witnesses outside his clinic. Meanwhile, Dr Subbu returns to his clinic)

Dr Subbu: Was that “P” I saw rushing out? He is a hypochondriac, but a very important client of mine. He has this borrowing addiction. I have told him detox is the only option, but he keeps demanding Repo pills. Hope you sent him packing…

Mr Rao (mysteriously): Uh-huh. I gave him the other pill labelled Repo Two. Presume it is a placebo…

Dr Subbu: You fool. That is for constipation…a severe laxative…What have you done?

(We understand that Mr Rao was sacked for his prank; Dr Subbu is now trying to salvage his reputation that suffered a lot due to his assistant’s indiscretions).