Honey, I shrunk the fiscal deficit, and I don't know how

By Tenali Raman

Firstpost has received an unauthenticated transcript of what appears to be a pre-budget conversation between four top leaders of the ruling party, all of whom think they are PM. One is the Real PM (Lady RPM), another a Dummy PM (DPM), the third has PM as his initials, and the fourth is a novice PM-in-waiting (PMW). Here’s what we heard.

PM: We are in a shoup. My fiscal deficit in December 2011 has already reached 92 percent of the year’s total, and taxes are not rising fast enough. I can’t raise money by selling public sector equity, but everyone wants more money from me: banks want more capital, the food and fertiliser departments want more subsidies, Air India wants a bailout, the oil companies want compensation for under-recoveries…What can I do madam?

Lady RPM: We should launch a scheme to give all Indians subsidised foodgrains, and free healthcare, and…

PM: But where will I find the money?

Lady RPM: Why do you need money? The Food Corporation already has the lot of food in stock…just distribute it.

PM: What will I do next year if the Food Corporation goes bankrupt?

Lady RPM: We will set up a new Food Security Corporation next year…Aruna or Harsh will head it.

PMW: And don’t forget special food quotas for Muslims…they must get a separate quota of food carved out of the OBC quota.

DPM: There can be no quotas in food - we are equal-opportunity poverty-poopers.

PMW: Then how will I win the UP election without food quotas?

Lady RPM: Relax beta, for now the job quota should confuse people enough to work. Leave the food quota for 2014…

PM: But my deficit will widen and economic growth will fall if we keeping printing notes to finance social schemes…

Lady RPM: Don’t you read the newspapers? Even I seem to know more economics than you. Last year’s GDP growth figure was lowered to 8.4 percent from 8.5 percent. The lower base means this year’s growth will look higher. Last year’s fiscal deficit was raised to 4.8 percent, so this year’s will be less than anticipated. Your problem is solved.

PM: It will all be fiction. Subbarao is already telling me he will not reduce interest rates if I don’t bring subsidies down. And if we raise oil and coal and power and fertiliser prices, the Wholesale Prices Index (WPI) will rise…

Lady RPM (sharply): Haven’t we decided to eliminate the weekly release of WPI inflation numbers? And who is Subbarao to tell us…

PM: Subbarao is Gov…

Lady RPM: I know who he is. Ask him not to look at the WPI. Or transfer him to Andamans. And isn’t there any way we can reduce WPI to once-a-year releases? Giving out inflation numbers every month is anti-national. The media makes a song and dance of it every week, every month. It defocuses us from doing our main job - which is to keep up aam aadmi spending and get re-elected. Once a year should be fine…Mannu dear, will you look into it?

DPM: Of course, RPM_ji._ Maybe we should put it in the five-year plan. Will talk to Monty…

Lady RPM: Good boy.

DPM: I don’t lose any sleep over GDP and fiscal deficit numbers. In 1992, I didn’t lose sleep over the securities scam. More recently I didn’t lose sleep over CWG and 2G. I only lose sleep over you, RPM_ji._ Now I have been vindicated in my do-nothing attitude by the Supreme Court. Subramanian Swamy is claiming victory, but it is I who have won…

Lady RPM: Good, that’s why I think you will make a great president. You can sleep in peace for five years without anyone bothering you, unless we want some opposition government dismissed somewhere.

DPM: Thank you-ji. You are so kind.

PM: But you can’t fool all the people all the time…Someday I will have to give the right numbers, bring interest rates down, and push growth up, but by then people will stop believing in us…

Lady RPM: You are such a worrier, borda. Here, have a rossogolla and be happy. It’s sugar-free. In any case, it was you who wanted the finance portfolio…

PM: But I have lost my appetite for it. Everyone is cursing me - for inflation, deficits, subsidies…

Lady RPM: Well, you wanted it. After 26/11, I even sent out your rival to fight Naxals just so you could have your chance with budgets.

DPM: In fact, I know just the man who could take your job in case you are leaving…My friend Mon…

Lady RPM: Enough. Haven’t I told you key ministries are not for your pals. You can take as many of them as you want in advisory bodies, but not finance…Haven’t I done that with NAC? All my unemployable friends are there…

PMW: Plus, the Planning Commission is more fun. Daddy called Planning Commission a bunch of jokers. They have worked out many funny lines between them. Some time back they said Rs 32 is the official poverty line…Only Aruna auntie was unable to get the joke….

Lady RPM: Beta, why aren’t you in UP offering more quotas and making haathi jokes instead of wasting your time here?

PMW: But I want to learn how budgets are made, how to give more subsidies…

Lady RPM: Let Bengali uncle handle that. Once he’s does that for two more years, you will be PM in 2014…Besides, it’s simple. All you have to do is write big, fat cheques to favour your voters.

PM: But how will I manage the numbers for two more years before he becomes PM? I will be a pariah among global finance ministers - Greece will be my only friend…

Lady RPM: I think you are getting too old. Why don’t you ask Anand_ji_? He seems to know how to manage numbers every month. See what he has done with exports. It’s boomed, it’s zoomed, it’s got adjusted by $9.4 billion, and no one knows what is happening. Now no one bothers whether exports are going up or down. It’s all fun and games. You take your job too seriously, PM_-da_. You, too, can use excuses like data entry error, software glitch and computer crash to tell everyone why the deficit is going up or down or whatever…Come on use your imagination. This is a creative job.

You just have to put out some numbers and tell the media: “Honey, I shrunk the deficit, but don’t ask how.”

PM: Give me at least one hint…

Lady RPM: Just give your fiscal deficit figures in billion instead of crore and it will shrink…

PM (brightening up): I have seen the light.

Lady RPM: Big Bong, you’re getting it. Just be sweet and do it for two more years. Till Baba replaces you-know-who. If you don’t want the job after that, I will check if Aruna wants it.

DPM: Maybe PC will take it…

Lady RPM: Not Chidambaram…

DPM: No, I meant my all-powerful secretary_._