Weep for it is the season of finales on TV

Every morning, I wake up, hear the pigeons shit on windshields, smell the general fart-pee mix that is Mumbai’s air and thank my lucky stars that man (and the occasional woman) wrote television shows. Because thanks to those men and women, there’s hope in the form of a new episode of The Following/ Vampire Diaries/ Beauty and the Beast/ Hart of Dixie/ Grimm/ New Girl/ Modern Family/ Revenge/ Grey’s Anatomy/ Community/ Arrow/ Glee… to watch. Until now, that is. Now the TV studio gods have turned all Freddie Kruger on our TV watching schedules and slashed them to bits with a summer spree of season finales. This is presumably so that the cast and crew can pretend to have lives beyond their TV personas or something. Why do actors need lives anyway? They have money. They have fame. They have Verified Twitter Accounts. They can’t have everything. [caption id=“attachment_837479” align=“alignleft” width=“380”]  Nick and Jess, the most adorable tv couple since House/Wilson. Courtesy: Facebook[/caption] Especially since millions of viewers like me are relying on them for our daily cerebral stimulation. What do I do now while I have lunch and dinner? Watch One Tree Hill? I tried watching it once and learned one big lesson from that attempt: One Tree Hill is so boring it makes Devo Ke Dev Mahadev look like Game of Thrones. You’re probably wondering if season finales are worth such an extreme reaction, especially since barring Revenge, none of them were even that good. Vampire Diaries sacrificed story for twists; Smash tied everything into neat little heart-shaped bundles; Community married its two tried and tested hit formulae – paintball and alternative timelines – and created an episode that made as much sense as a Mallika Sherawat interview. But Grimm gave us a cliffhanger, as did Beauty and the Beast. Arrow left us with a devastated city and a tough death, Grey’s Anatomy left the fate of a very important character unanswered, and New Girl finally gave its viewers what they’ve wanted since the first minute of the pilot – Nick and Jess, the most adorable TV couple since House/Wilson. So many unfinished stories obviously make this wait rather difficult. For characters that we’ve laughed, cried, burped and fought with, there is nothing greater than the fear of the unknown. And writers are sadistic little things. (I should know.) However, fret not. To tide us all through these trying times, I have taken the liberty to compile a list of things for us to do while you wait for new shows to start in September. 1. Catch up on old shows – The Wire, The Sopranos, The West Wing. I am told they are all stellar. **2.**Sniff glue. **3.**Eat paint. **4.**Get a pet. I hear turtles are super low maintenance and you can train your bai to use them to transport tea from your kitchen to your bedroom. **5.**Learn to make bonsai. Then learn origami. Then combine the two: chop bonsai plants into little pieces to make art. Call it “bhaaji”. **6.**Write columns that take forever to write because your soul is in a sad, TV-less void, bouncing off walls and eating foam. I really hope my shrink isn’t reading this.