From a fed-up, die-hard fan: An open letter to SRK
Forget all this surrogacy business. The reason we love Shah Rukh Khan is that he's been one of Bollywood's smarter actors. But of late, SRK's been a bit disappointing, complains a fed-up, die-hard fan.
Dear Mr Shah Rukh Khan,
You have great hair. No, really. I’m sure we can use whatever you shed to weave baskets for infants. In fact, that’s probably what they must’ve used to drop Harry Potter off at the Dursleys’ doorstep. As you can tell, I have been a fan of your hair for a long time. Actually, I have been a fan of pretty much everything you have to offer in the looks department – your dimples, big nose, crooked teeth, lazy smile – ever since I saw you in Doosra Keval. I was a toddler myself then, but when I gurgled in happiness at the TV, my mother knew that she’d given birth to a daughter with good taste.
(At least I think it was Doosra Keval. All I remember is Shah Rukh Khan in a sea of grass, so it could’ve also been any Yashraj movie. Or Aamchi Maati Aamchi Manasa.)
As a teenager I loved you because you were Raj in Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge, the bumbling, but loyal and upstanding London boy. That you’d made a seamless transition from the vengeful anti-hero in Baazigar to puppy dog eyes in DDLJ to obsessive crazypants lover in Darr to annoying college student/ hot brooding father in Kuch Kuch Hota Hai only added to your appeal. I understood that you could also, unlike many of your peers, actually do this thing called acting. (Look it up, Katrina Kaif. It might help.) Then you did movies like Chak De India, Don and Swades and you gave interviews where you spoke your mind and made me laugh. Your looks, your skills, you charm and most importantly, your self-effacing humour and intelligence made you my favourite movie star, because you were always so much more than simply “King Khan”.
It is thus very important for me to write this letter to you, because as your faithful fan, I need to know why you’re subjecting me to the Ra.Ones, Jab Tak Hai Jaans and the Chennai Expresses of the world. Ra.One was so full of bulllsh*t it could’ve been a political party. Jab Tak Hain Jaan thought a brown man could walk into the London Underground, dismantle a bomb, and calmly walk away, freedom and memory intact, and no one would question him in a post 9/11 world… you know you’ve gone wrong when New York had more realism than your movie.
I saw the trailer for the Chennai Express with a lot of nervous apprehension, and was proven right — it made as much sense as a Steve Jobs’s throw pillow (which, by the way is a real thing, in case you are Bill Gates and need something to pitch darts at). This is not surprising, since all of Rohit Shetty’s previous movie scripts could’ve been written by Nyan Cat. Chennai Express is facetiously about Shah Rukh Khan falling in love with a Chennai don’s daughter, on a train with Kathakali dancers (no one bothered to check that Kathakali is from Kerala), because daughters of famous dons can’t afford to fly Indigo, apparently. I understand it’s tough to see drivel like Rowdy Rathore and Dabanng 2 make Rs 100 crores, but good movies like 3 Idiots and Barfi! get there too. Chak De, Swades and Don were all box office smashes, so you don’t need to go down the Salman Khan route, because that way lie only hysterical exes and eyes so puffy you can use them as parachutes.
You don’t need to do a Rohit Shetty movie. You don’t need to pander to the masses. You are smarter than that. And so are we. So do better, SRK, we’re all still rooting for you, but our patience is wearing as thin as the plot for Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi.
A fed up, die-hard fan.
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