ABCD 2 Review: Any Body Can Direct if Remo D'Souza can

After the thundering success of ABCD, choreographer turned director Remo D’Souza was handed the golden keys to the sequel. On a rainy night in December 2013, he held an emergency meeting with his top brass to haul out ideas for the new film. A small portion of what transpired at that meeting has been transcribed for your pleasure: RDS: Alright boys… Black Suit 1: (Makes rhythmic noises with his mouth) Black Suit 2: Yo I’ma get on da floor ‘n tap dat who… RDS: Boys, boys, stop it. I don’t want a beatbox. This ain’t practice, this is the real shiz. BS 1: Oh sir, have you procured the keys to the ABCD sequel? RDS: That’s right b1tch3zz, we did it! BS 2: You did it sir! RDS: Of course, but it’s 11:15, my modesty minute. BS 1 and 2 both tilt their heads sideways and go ‘Awww!’ RDS: But that’s enough fun, let’s talk business. The sequel will be about a bunch of rookie dancers from Nalasopara, making it big. [caption id=“attachment_2303156” align=“alignleft” width=“380”]  Shraddha Kapoor and Varun Dhawan in ABCD 2. Image from Facebook.[/caption] BS 1: The sequel naturally has to be bigger in budget? BS 2: And also set in phoren locales? RDS: This is the obvious stuff. Tell me something I haven’t already thought about. BS 1: Sir, let’s cast someone big this time. Someone from mainstream Bollywood rather than actual real dancers. RDS: This is your big idea? I’m cancelling your Prabhudheva break dance tutoring benefits. BS 1: Sir listen, it’s actually a good idea. Bigger stars mean bigger box office returns. BS 2: It’ll just make the film a bigger phenomenon than expected. RDS: What about the fact that none of the current Bollywood chaps can dance even if I threatened them with pitchforks dipped in lava? I need authenticity and grace in my dance movie. BS 1: Sir there is actually one such star. His debut movie was absolutely grotesque, but he’s delivered a bunch of hits and won a few critical hearts recently. BS 2: And he can dance his ass off. Plus he looks terrific shirtless. RDS: Govinda? BS 1: Varun Dhawan. BS 2: And you can use his accent to his advantage. He naturally sounds like someone from Nalasopara. RDS: Ah perfect. And since we need to shoehorn a love story, let’s cast another upcoming star in the female lead. Here pick a card. BS 1 picks a card. It’s the queen of diamonds. RDS: Ok Shraddha Kapoor it is then. Though my dancer gang of Raghav Juyal, Dharmesh Yelande and the rest will make her look really terrible on the dance floor. How would that make winning the competition look believable to the audience? BS 2: Sir, that’s easy, let’s give Shraddha’s character a foot sprain so that Lauren Gottlieb could simply replace her and kick some break dancing ass. RDS: Excellent. And I want to make this film even more jingoistic than the previous one. The audience has to feel every ounce of their body writhing in nationalist pride. BS 1: Sir, all we need to do is contact famed lyricist Mayur Puri to turn Vande Mataram and other patriotic songs into hip hop garbage. BS 2: And make our heroes dance their butts off draped in tricolour. RDS: Sanskit shlokas rendered in crappy and generic rap – a winning combo. The music hardly matters though, the dance steps will blow everyone away anyway. BS 1: Yes sir, Prabhudheva can break dance even to Edith Piaf. RDS: All this sounds good, but I’ve faced a bit of flak for borrowing the Step Up formula for ABCD and making tons of money. BS 1: Sir you could make the plot a meta statement – by making the protagonists disgraced copy cats who get one chance of redemption with originality. BS 2: You wouldn’t even have to make the effort to weave a ‘story’ around the three hundred dance sequences. RDS: You boys are on fire today! Do a cartwheel after this meeting for free. BS 1 and 2 nod appreciatively. RDS: Let’s set this once in Las Vegas. I’ll even get married there to my one and true love – dance. BS 1: Sir, but don’t make the film too smart, make sure you throw in some stupid elements. BS 2: Like a faux mystery twist that unravels into something cringe-inducing. Or a lame attempt to establish an emo son’s promise to his mom – something that will make the melodrama-digging audience wail in delight. RDS: With you both around, I know why I called these films ABCD - Any Body Can Direct.