What next for Sonia, Rahul? Diary entries from the future

So the Congress has been swept out of government, with a vigour and meticulousness which would make any vacuuming agency envious. And whether you support BJP or not, most will exult at this act of democratic spring cleaning. But oh what will happen to these career Congress honchos, now that they’ve been chucked out of the only job they’ve ever had – and not at the prime of your life. In the last few days, I’ve been called a lot of names by the eloquent right-wingers on Twitter. One of the most parliamentary was “chudail”, so I decided to use my witch-like talents and predict the diary entries of the leading Congress luminaries a year from today. [caption id=“attachment_1532337” align=“alignleft” width=“380”]  Reuters[/caption] Rahul Gandhi 11:30am: Ignored Diggy uncle’s 10 missed calls and 43 SMSes. Dude, he needs to chill. 1pm: Rolled up sleeves and got down to business. Told Bob to organise a Volvo for our annual visit to Amethi. Reminded him to carry some Isabgol and Eno and energy bars for me. Don’t know how my stomach will survive dal chawal after a year. 1:30 pm: Booked tickets on Emirates for London. It’s too darn hot here. Will NEVER forget how I had to miss the Bono concert last year because of those damn elections. And everyone deserves a break from saving this country. There’s only so much I can do. 2 pm: Met the Youth Congress leaders for our practice sessions for the next set of posters to go up. It’s brilliant. We’re doing a take-off on Mahabharata. I don’t really understand it too well, but Mani uncle said the people will love it and he’ll explain it to me over drinks at his place. 2:30pm: Going to meet APCO. They’ve come up with a fabulous suggestion that I should agree to be interviewed by Rajat Sharma. This will be even better than the Arnab Goswami interview. 4 pm: Took Mom out for tea to Smokehouse Deli. Tried once again to convince her to replace me with Priyanka. If only she’d stop interrupting me to show me the drapes she’s picked out for the PM’s office when I take over in 2035. Sonia Gandhi 9 am: Yoga. 10 am: Hindi tuition. 11 am: Wake Rahul and make his breakfast. 12 pm: Visit Manmohan and Gursharan. I could have put that thirty minutes of sitting in silence to better use. 1pm: Cook Rahul’s lunch. Mio caro, piccolo ragazzo. He’s really become too thin. 1:30 pm: Called a meeting with the people – I really can’t understand why Chidu and Mani can’t at least try and be on time. Discussed how India can be saved by only Rahul and me. It is such a responsibility. But someone has to do it. 5:30 pm: The good thing about not being able to sit in Opposition is that I can go hang out with the kids. I like the diet Bob’s put me on. So nice to have a son-in-law with diverse talents – property whiz, trader, fitness instructor. He is starting to look more and more like Paul Anka to me, though. 7 pm: Called Kamal Nath and reminded him that it’s only 9 more years before we are in the hot seat again. We must all be ready. The Family is ready. I thought I heard him sigh softly, but I can never be sure what he’s saying. 8 pm: Going to watch some re-runs of Mob Wife now. Loving it. Robert Vadra 7 am: Ran through Lodi gardens. Five times, baby. I don’t know why those guards were panting? I even got their safari suits made with Climacool. People are so unfit. Pisses me off. 9.30 am: Got frisked at the airport – AGAIN. And this time I wasn’t even flying myself. Had just gone to say bye to Priyanka’s nonna. WTF! Although the security guard did compliment me on my biceps. Just too sexy, baaaaaby! 12 pm: Told Priyanka that I was thinking of getting I Love DLF tattoo-ed on my left butt cheek. She froke. Babe, chill. Was just kidding. 2 pm: Met Mr Adani. Signed our contract. What a gentleman. He even enquired after the Family. 4 pm: Ran through Lodi garden again. I could have sworn one of the guards tried to trip me. Digvijay Singh 9.30am: Sent mail to the TOI editor. Still waiting for a revert from him on my article on fighting Communal Fascist Forces. Will tweet it out line by line, once he puts it online. 10:30 am: Photographer Ramu came by. Taught me how to take selfies which don’t look like selfies. Only problem, there seems to be no one to take selfies with. Need to figure that out. 11.45 am: Called Rahul baba. Will he ever wake up? 12 pm: What a stunning Goal by Ronaldo! Never seen one like this! If Ronaldo can, so can we. 12:15 pm: Just re-edited my blog “Questions to Saint Modi” http://www.digvijayasingh.in/questions-to-saint-modi.html … Will anyone ask these questions? Must I do everything? Why hasn’t Rahul called me back? He can’t still be sleeping. 1 pm: Leaving for the ad shoot for Revital. Quite flattered they’ve come to me, instead of Salman. Mani Shankar Aiyar 10 am: Just gave 20th interview announcing the return of the Sadbhavana Sena, again. I will not let this be the end of the country our parents fought for. 11 am: Spruced up on some more quotes by Rabindranath Tagore. Also reminded myself to refer to him as “Gurudev” and not “that old bearded sod” as I do during our Bridge evenings. 12 pm: Received two rejection notes for my new book called “T_he still dying light of freedom_”. They said they couldn’t get past the opening paragraph. These editors with pedestrian intelligence. What do they know? Socialist Lilliputians all of them. I read it again. Disraeli couldn’t have written it better. 1 pm: Decided to drink to my first paragraph. 2 pm: Still drinking. 4 pm: Called all the TV channels and asked if they wanted me to be part of any panel tonight. They all put me on hold. Bloody turncoats. 5 pm: Poured myself another drink. Damn them all. The fight shall continue. Two more drinks and I’ll put my shoulder to the wheel. Salman Khurshid 11am: Flew to Calcutta for the Telegraph debate. Such a charming city. Strange that ABP couldn’t find a hotel room for me in the entire city. Matters not, I shall fly out at night. Not spending a dime of my own if I can help it. 1 pm: Called Louise. Told her to personally check the monthly cheques from the Trust. Never trust the Trust to figure out accounts. See what I did there? It’s called a pun, old chaps. 2 pm: Started writing Rahul’s key messages for his India TV interview. I of course think he shouldn’t give these verno interviews. BBC is whom he should speak with. The people only watch the Beeb. Those are the guys who’ll vote for us. 3 pm: Came up with 4 key messages. RTI, empowerment, secularism, women’s empowerment. Mailed Rahul. He’s super excited. Think this one’s definitely a winner. 7 pm: Off to the debate. Must I hire my own car? And wasn’t that Ravi Shankar Prasad who just zipped by me in a limo and didn’t even acknowledge me? How déclassé.Will mock his accent at the Telegraph debate. That will show him.