Take that Hollywood: Six lessons from the Filmfare awards

So what if none of our films gets nominated for the Best Foreign Film by the Oscars? We’ve got our own film industry and it can put up an awards show (or four) that’s even longer than the Oscars. Take that, Hollywood. But while the Oscars ceremony is usually peppered with hilarious asides by the host, ours isn’t. It is, however, very educational. Here is what I learnt after watching the marathon called the Idea Filmfare Awards last night. 1. Chunky Pandey is alive. Not just that, he’s doing well enough to be selected as the host of the pre-awards shebang. At first I thought I’d tuned in by mistake to the wrong channel because on my screen was a pimp from Patpong, sitting on a throne and interviewing all the actors attending the awards in what was supposed to be his parlour. Except it was Chunky Pandey from Lokhandwala. For company, Pandey had a toy dog and a bird. [caption id=“attachment_1360851” align=“alignleft” width=“380”]  Ranveer Singh at the awards: Sachin Gokhale/Firstpost[/caption] 2. When all else fails, entertain yourself by thinking of ex-es. Not your own, but the filmi crowd’s. Events like Filmfare Awards allow us to watch our actors as a collective, in an unnatural habitat, and much like going to the zoo or watching a news channel, it’s quite entertaining if you ignore the actual spectacle and look for the subtext. Looking through the audience, especially the A-list stars who were there, I realised if rumours are to be believed, then at some point, everyone has had a dalliance with everyone else, or their partners have. But taking a tip from the French President Francois Hollande, everyone was being very French and mature about being in the company of lovers past and present. Nobody let their canoodling or break-up trauma get in the way of sitting down, having a few laughs or even hooting for their ex or their current’s ex. Most of the world talks about love triangles. You tell me what shape this nexus of relationships would form: Salman Khan-Viveik Oberoi-Katrina Kaif-Ranbir Kapoor-Deepika Padukone-Ranvir Singh. Also spotted: Shahid Kapur, Priyanka Chopra, Soha Ali Khan, Shruti Hassan, Amitabh Bachchan, Vineet Jain, and Rekha. 3. Filmfare Awards is a shining example of why films without song and dance will always remain on the fringes of the Hindi film industry. Only those who dance get awards. The popularity of an actor in Bollywood seems to be directly proportional to how many matkas, jhatkas and piroutettes he or she can do. Acting talent be damned. Films like Shahid or The Lunchbox will only be recognised in the Critic’s Award section. 4. Arvind Kejriwal, as the champion of the “common man”, is an inspiration for every actor and producer who lives between Bandra and Juhu. There was Shahrukh Khan in Chennai Express saying “Don’t underestimate the power of a common man”. Now we’ve got Jai Ho, which is perhaps best described as bhai-fied biopic of Arvind Kejriwal by Salman Khan. Jai Ho’s punchline: “Aam aadmi sota hua sher hai, ungli mat kar, jaag gaya toh cheer faad dega”. The only creative license that’s been taken is that Salman roars at the end, instead of coughing. 5. The subaltern and Bollywood are not friends. According to Priyanka Chopra and Ganesh Hegde’s team, a maid must speak in a guttural, flawed accent and be gauche. What the point of this little skit by Priyanka was, is beyond me. If they wanted to make it funny they could have at least thrown in an Aditya Pancholi or Shiney Ahuja joke. 6. Most importantly: if you’re an actress who wants to make it in Bollywood, take a tip from the old fakirs who contributed so much to India’s reputation for exotica and add levitation to your repertoire. Levitating women are the go-to theme this year in Bollywood. First Katrina Kaif was strung-up mid-air and doing some strange Amazonian war dance. Then Priyanka Chopra dangled over the stage. Finally, women hung above Salman Khan’s head wearing chiffon dresses and waving their hands in a not-so-rhythmic manner. At one point I thought one of them might come crashing down on Sallu’s head. But sadly, no. Here’s how I expect the Hindi film industry to improve on this year’s ceremony in 2015. Preity Zinta should be given the Lifetime Achievement Award. Instead of Chunky Pandey, Viveik Oberoi should get to play the Patpong pimp, and all the lovers – present and past – should do a little jig together at the end of the ceremony. Now that would be a show worth watching.