Down Under Trauma Disorder – do Indian cricket fans have a cure?

If you’re an Indian cricket fan, chances are that you might not have heard of the above dysfunction. But then, most victims of it have failed to detect it early. As custodians of your well being, dear readers, we are publishing this public service message, which, if read in the tone of a radio announcer in the second half of any Hollywood film with a doomsday theme, is likely to help you self-diagnose. The Down and Under Trauma Disorder is the abnormal anxiety which develops after having witnessed traumatic events involving one’s national cricket team and demigod-esque players on a tour to Australia. A modern sports psychologist claims that DUTD is characterised by symptoms such as listlessness, lack of purpose in life, reliving trauma in routine chores, lack of involvement with reality and spiked interest in non-cricket sports among others. Ironically, this potential endemic occurs well within a year of some positive viruses – the World Cup fever last year and the generally widespread cricketopia, as this column has tracked earlier . How then, did this deadly new ailment come about, and nearly turn the same fans into non-believing zombies? [caption id=“attachment_234424” align=“alignleft” width=“380” caption=“Getty Images”] [/caption] “A series of setbacks is one thing… we were quite used to them – they happened in England just last season. But the *manner* of setbacks was unbearable,” a recovering victim (again, pictured above) tells us. “Boxing Day onwards till last week, we were bombarded with graphic images of batting collapses and bowling debacles…” he trails off and proceeds to a corner. It was indeed trauma for fans such as this one, who, in the test match leg of the tournament, woke up in the wee hours only to witness bloodless carnage – Rahul Dravid’s ‘Wall’ being repeatedly torn down, Raina and the middle order facing bouncers as feebly as underage drug peddlers would and the bowlers (if we could call them that) getting thrashed as if Australian batsmen had fed a cheat code in the surreal game. “We’d rather watch a labrador pup being fried alive by a bunch of hooligans,” explained another disturbed patient. That said, the tipping point for this mental instability to settle in was the realisation that our so-called legends are not even mere mortals, but mere sitting ducks in the face of hostile conditions. “I woke up to truths such as Captain Dhoni not *having* the technique required to win tests from follow-on levels. ‘Well of course!’ – he’s not wired required to sustain focus after 100 overs of a game! I feel cheated!” said another, adding that “Laxman’s ‘favourite’ opposition ate him raw and Zaheer was a pyramid of cards – always about to collapse, especially with the vacuum cleaner Aussie batsmen around.” And Tendulkar? “*Sigh* Let’s not go there…” expressed a zoned out patient (pictured above) before we were asked by his doctor to not ask sensitive questions. “He, like many, thinks that his dream generation of cricketers was a lie which has just been wiped out. This feeling is common among war orphans.” the doctor informed. What’s worse, this disorder has long-term repercussions as even if the same players (hopefully) perform better in the sub-continent against weak oppositions such as Bangladesh and Kings XI Punjab, these angry victims might just call them ‘Flat track bullies.’ Is there hope or is this the beginning of the Dark Age? “Hopefully not. Fortunately, Virat Kohli’s fight-back in the penultimate match gave hope to some suicidal cases; while some level-headed ones have already begun recuperating by watching hockey and kabaddi. They’re expected to get deeply involved with India’s performance at the London Olympics. It’s therapy for a jaded mind… like mindless flings after being dumped from a long relationship,” the shrink explains. Also, we predict that even though Tendulkar achieves that-century-which-shall-not-be-mentioned in less challenging/significant situations, there are several brands with marketing campaigns ready to make peoples believe that this was the best thing to happen to their lives this er, century. “Trust advertising to boost self-esteem and reduce self-pity,” hopes the doc. Meanwhile, DUTD victims are being kept away from Australian commentator Ian Chappell’s cricket column urging Sachin to retire . Not many would recall but Chappell had written a similar column in 2007 after India’s World Cup disaster and we’re sure he’ll have one ready for 2015 too. Moreover, some signs of positive emotional activity have been spotted among those undergoing YouTube treatment. Clips such as ‘Desert storm 1998’, ‘Ganguly Natwest final shirtless’ and ‘Yuvraj 6 sixes’ are giving temporary relief even as the search for a clinical cure of this new disorder goes on. The good news is, the slow recovery is likely to begin with the India-Pakistan encounters in the upcoming Asia Cup. Also, this disorder has almost not affected the IPL-watching audiences. However, like in the case of most endemics, 100 per cent eradication will take years - if and when an Indian team manages to clinch a test series Down Under, or the next World Cup there, in 2015.