In Regrets, None, Dolly Thakore opens up about her life and relationships

What is the first word that comes to your mind when you think of Dolly Thakore? For me, she symbolises reinvention. She has been a theatre actor, radio jockey, television newsreader, copywriter, model coordinator, casting director, newspaper columnist, and media consultant. Was she able to step into these roles because of some innate brilliance, or the kindness of friends and strangers? What made her seize those opportunities? Did she fit in or feel like an impostor? To find answers to these questions, read her memoir titled Regrets, None, written in collaboration with theatre director and filmmaker Arghya Lahiri. If you prefer a linear storyline, with each rite of passage neatly placed in chronological order, this book could seem disorienting. If you are willing to sit back and be led by the storytellers, you are in for a memorable ride. In this book, time periods melt into each other. Events spark off sudden associations. Places become conduits of emotion. Published by HarperCollins India, this book will acquaint you with the tapestry of experiences that led her to the present moment — “growing up in Delhi and an assortment of Air Force stations”, being “farmed out” to maternal grandparents as “there were, eventually, too many kids to look after”, having “a motley collection of aunties and gossip” with “a permanent residency” in her head, falling in love with a married man, dealing with rejection, and raising a child as a single mother. If you expect a marathon narration of juicy and scandalous details, this may not be a suitable book for you. Much of it is about her willingness to embrace work that came her way to fashion an identity based on self-respect and the need to be recognised for her talents. She did not get the attention she craved from her parents, so she looked for it in other places. She worked for the British Information Service, the British Broadcasting Corporation, Doordarshan, and other institutions. You may read the book quite simply as a record of Dolly Thakore’s life told from her point of view. However, it also presents an opportunity to reflect on the nature of remembering itself. Where do memories reside? Why do certain incidents acquire a sheen of significance only in retrospect? How do we achieve emotional distance from words and actions that once tormented our mind? What kind of inner and outer resources help us restore our confidence? Do contemplate as you read. When people narrate their life story, there is a tendency to portray themselves in a favourable light and paint other characters in less flattering hues. This memoir does the same, while also making an effort to see people as complex beings. The protagonist speaks honestly of resentments towards family members and former lovers — not out of spite — but to show how lives are made, unmade, and remade by both circumstances and choices. Denial might look like resolution but it is not the same. About her relationship with adman Alyque Padamsee, she writes, “It took me ten years to speak to Alyque again. I don’t think I ever forgave him, not really. But we found a way to coexist. I saw him often, up until his death in November 2018. We spoke on the phone. A lot of the celebrations in our lives — birthdays, the kids’ birthdays — were shared.” She adds, “He could irritate the hell out of me. And I never idolised him the way I once did. But we had a place in each other’s lives.”

She writes about enrolling herself in a ten-day Vipassana meditation course in Igatpuri “back in 1982, after Alyque left.” She was reluctant at first because she assumed it would be expensive but soon learnt that it was offered free of charge; meditators could donate what they felt like. Following the code of conduct laid down by the meditation centre helped her survive the isolation and silence. She writes, “Having gone the distance, I surrendered completely… When I left 10 days later, I wept and wept. I had a sense of clarity I’d never had before, of having been pared down… I felt calm, untethered, balanced. I felt light, like I’d been purified.” Later in life, she got a chance to meet two Tibetan Buddhist masters — the 12th Tai Situpa Rinpoche, and His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama. Both these experiences made a strong impression on her mind. She still feels quite grateful for them. This memoir will take you to Delhi, Lucknow, Kanpur, London, Mumbai, Shirdi, McLeodganj and other places. You will meet public figures who have played an important role in Dolly Thakore’s life — politician Indira Gandhi, actor Amitabh Bachchan, writer Farrukh Dhondy, filmmaker Richard Attenborough, dancer Protima Bedi, journalist Anil Dharker, playwright Eve Ensler, LGBT rights activist Ashok Row Kavi, and Dolly’s son Quasar Thakore Padamsee who is a theatre director. This book will also take you to Kohat, a city in the Khyber Pakhtunkhwa province of Pakistan, where the protagonist of this memoir was born in 1943. She was able to return to her birthplace in 2004, when she got a visa to not only watch the India-Pakistan cricket match in Lahore but also to visit three other cities — Karachi, Islamabad and Kohat. It is rare for Indians to get such a visa. “The most touching experience I had was an invitation for tea by some ladies who had heard that I knew (actor) Kabir Bedi,” she recalls. Her host, a woman named Mujahida, “produced a framed work signed by Sister Palmo… and related how her mother had this hanging over her bed in New York, and told her who it belonged to.” Sister Palmo was Kabir’s mother. She was a British woman who became a nun after she encountered Tibetan Buddhism, and got her full bhikshuni ordination. Since Mujahida’s mother passed away in 1996, she wanted the precious gift from Sister Palmo to be returned to “its rightful owner.” She entrusted her guest from India to carry it home for Kabir. It is difficult to read Regrets, None without being struck with awe and wonder about the fabric of surprises that the universe weaves for us, even as we stay oblivious of its intricate designs. Speaking of spiritual experiences, there was another one. It is narrated with great tenderness in the book. When Dolly called her father on his cellphone from Kohat, he said, “Beta, can you see an abandoned airfield? At the edge of the airfield is a church. Can you see it? That’s where you were baptized. And beside it is the sarai where you were born.” She was born into a Protestant Christian family. How did Dolly Rawson become Dolly Thakore? Dig into the book, and discover for yourself. * Chintan Girish Modi is a Mumbai-based writer who tweets @chintan_connect