Numerous unexplained phenomena that pop up unexpectedly on social media often leave many of our readers confused, uneasy and even scared. Well, that is when they're not screaming bloody murder or threatening to kill each other in the comments section — which it could be argued is an unexplained phenomenon in its own right. But that's something for another day.
In the first part of this series (of one, most likely), Firstpost will get to the bottom of the bizarre video that surfaced on the World Wide Web some time on Sunday. But before we get into details, it's probably worth your time to watch the clip in question. Be warned, it's not for the faint-hearted or those with a nervous disposition:
Watched it? Still with us? Good, let's continue.
Our investigative team was alerted to the presence of this video when one of its members was spotted tightly embracing his knees and rocking back and forth in the corner of our office. Alarmed, concerned, but largely amused, a high-level committee came together to call for an investigation into whatever it was that put our colleague in that condition.
A sense of duty gradually came over Firstpost's investigative team that flew into action — much like the Boston Globe's Spotlight team immortalised recently in the Oscar-winning film — and began to look for breadcrumbs. The first clue was the placard mounted on Donald Trump's dais. "Text 'Trump' to 88022," said the placard. After repeated unanswered text messages, a decision was taken to re-examine the placard.
Although none of the team would consider herself or himself an expert on American geography or profess to know much about the state of Ohio, they were all certain that Dayton was a city. A quick Google search revealed as much, and further, it was only three-and-a-half hours or so by road from Cleveland — home of the Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame.
So while airline routes were being discussed — BOM-EWR-CLE or BOM-LHR-CLE? — and bags were being packed, the youngest member of the investigative unit (which sounds so much cooler than 'team') discovered the original footage of the Dayton, Ohio address. And it was even more chilling than the original video. Midway through berating a heckler, accusing him of looking 15-years-old and exhorting him to 'go home to Mom', here's what happened:
By the way, please notice how we spared you the effort of skipping through the footage manually to find the moment Trump got the heebie-jeebies. We're nice like that.
Bernie Sanders was never there!
#ICYMI, Bernie Sanders was never there!!
An eerie silence descended on the newsroom following that discovery. And it was accompanied by plenty of anxious finger-tenting, nervous pacing and fidgety chin-scratching. But there was silence. And plenty of it.
This continued for a while, until a life-affirming and possibly career-defining moment in the life of a certain journalist. You might remember him rocking back and forth with his arms around his knees at the start of this piece. It was his discovery that helped the investigative unit solve this mystery.
What was the discovery, you ask?
Sanders indulged Bloomberg Politics' co-managing editor and Game Change author John Heilemann with the following interview in August last year. Take a look:
So that's where they got scary Sanders from.
With the mystery solved, the investigative unit disbanded for the night and each member went his or her separate way, satisfied with a good day's work.
And now you know, so the next time-...
Wait a minute, if it wasn't Sanders who scared Trump, who did it?
The thought is far too terrifying to contemplate, so we'll stop here and return to whatever else is happening in the world.