April Fool's Day: US presidents who should be in the WWE Hall of Fame

It was a time of sober thought and deep reflection for the White House. Donald Trump's healthcare bill had just died. A young presidency was in peril.

So naturally, US vice president Mike Pence suggested that the GOP could have used the help of the WWE superstars to pass the bill.

Which got us at FP Special Forces thinking (always dangerous, we know): Of course you could have used the help of WWE superstars.  Who better to sell healthcare to the American public then grown men pretend-fighting in their underwear and whacking each other over the heads with steel chairs? (Coincidentally, steel chairs to the head would have replaced anesthesia under Trumpcare. Also, not covered: Hospital visits).

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Most importantly, US president Donald Trump is a proud member (poor choice of words, perhaps) of the WWE Hall of Fame. Which also made us ponder: Which other US presidents should be in the WWE Hall of Fame? Here are the four best candidates and their WWE counterparts:

1) George Washington (Stone Cold Steve Austin): Like a foul-mouthed Texas rattlesnake, George Washington was a loner and a rebel. And what he loved most in life was drinking beer and kicking ass. Like the Bionic Redneck (thanks for the cool nickname Jim Ross), Washington spent his entire life defying his version of the evil boss Mr McMahon: King George III.

"I heard the bullets whistle and, believe me, there is something charming to the sound of bullets," he once remarked.

Sounds pretty close to what Steve Austin once said: "You sit there and you thump your Bible and you say your prayers and it didn’t get you anywhere. Talk about your Psalms, talk about John 3:16 — Austin 3:16 says I just whipped your ass."

Oh hell yeah!

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2) John F Kennedy (The Rock): The Rock calls himself "the most electrifying man in all of sports and entertainment". Well, to us at Special Forces, there can only be one US president that fits that bill. John F Kennedy. Like the self-professed Great One, The Rock, John F Kennedy was one smooth talker — captivating audiences with the slightest quirk of the head or the raise of an eyebrow.

"Ask not what your country can do for you — ask what you can do for your country," Kennedy famously said, inspiring generations of young men and women around the world. Oh, we could all smell what JFK was cooking.

The Rock, with just as much gravitas, once said: "When you walk up to opportunities door, don't knock it. Kick that bitch in, smile and introduce yourself." Words to live by indeed.

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3) Theodore Roosevelt (The Undertaker): Armed with a song by Kid Rock, in 2000, The Undertaker returned to the-then WWF as the "American Badass." Clearly, the Deadman was paying homage to arguably the greatest presidential badass in history: Theodore Roosevelt.

Don't believe us?  Try this one on for size: Roosevelt, once on his way to a presidential rally, was shot. In the chest. A normal human being would have cried for their mother on the way to the hospital. But not Theodore. No, Teddy went ahead and gave the speech. For two hours! Clearly, way before Taker, Roosevelt was a being of supernatural proportions.

His most famous quote: "Walk softly and carry a big stick."

Years later, this was echoed by the Undertaker, who warned one hapless opponent: "I may not dress like Satan anymore, but I’m still down with the Devil and I will go medieval on your ass."

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4) Andrew Jackson (HHH): Like "The Game" Hunter Hearst Hemsley, Andrew Jackson tends to hold on to a grudge. Like HHH and his trusty sledgehammer, Jackson had his faithful cane. However, unlike HHH, Jackson was the first US president targeted for assassination. He was also insane. Allegedly.

Let us explain. When US house painter Richard Lawrence tried to kill Jackson and failed, the president was not simply content to thank his lucky stars. Instead, he chose to beat Lawrence to within an inch of his life. Using the aforementioned cane. Jackson had to be subdued by the crowd that gathered (Take your time. Read that sentence again. Savour it). After which, he (reportedly) shipped off Lawrence to a mental asylum. For the rest of his life. Ouch.

Jackson also once famously challenged a rival to a duel. "Your conduct and expressions relative to me of late have been of such a nature and so insulting that requires, and shall have my notice…I hope Sir your courage will be an ample security to me, that I will obtain speedily that satisfaction due me for the insults offered," he wrote, in a letter.

HHH, also challenging an opponent, mused aloud: "When you look across the ring at me, and you look into my eyes, you are not immortal, you are not an icon; you are just like everybody else. You are an obstacle, and I will run you over. And that is not a threat, that is not a warning; that is just a fact! Because brother, I am THE GAME...and I AM THAT...DAMN...GOOD!"

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Go on, WWE. You know you want to. Inductions like these would have us all going:

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Published Date: Apr 01, 2017 08:25 am | Updated Date: Apr 01, 2017 08:25 am


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