The Idiot’s Guide to Every Homophobic Question In The World

The Idiot’s Guide to Every Homophobic Question In The World

Would you like a scoop of double chocolate chip fudge ice cream? Do you think that Ryan Gosling is hot? Want to go shop at Zara’s end-of-season clearance sale? Should we leave behind a trust fund for you? Would you like a promotion? Want an all-expense paid vacation to Greece?

The world is full of silly questions, but there is no question sillier than an ignorant, homophobic one. Don’t want to sound even mildly homophobic the next time you are talking to a friend, family member or even foe that belongs to the LGBT community?

Refrain from asking any of these 69 (no puns intended) questions out aloud:

1. ‘Can I set you up with another friend? He’s the only other gay guy I know.’
2. ‘If I kissed you one time, would I become gay too?’
3. ‘Does it hurt knowing that you can’t have your own children?’
4. ‘You must love Sunday brunch, don’t you?’
5. ‘Will you get AIDS?’
6. ‘What can two lesbians even do in bed together?’
7. ‘…But you know I don’t mean it in a homophobic way, right?’
8. ‘It’s Fashion Week! Shouldn’t you be more dressed up?’
9. ‘If you were straight, would you have married me?’
10. ‘Listen! You are gay! Will you come to Girl’s Night with us?’
11. ‘Boys suck so much! Why can’t you be straight?’
12. ‘Tell me! Is pink your favourite colour?’
13. ‘Ryan Gosling is totally your dream man, isn’t he?’
14. ‘ …how do you not know what a cocksickle is?’
15. ‘So do you do drugs regularly?’
16. ‘Okay, who’s your favourite member from One Direction?’
17. ‘But how can you not know every line from Queer As Folk by heart?’
18. ‘Dating two people at the same time isn’t a problem, right?’
19. ‘Oh! What are your dance moves? The jazz hands?’
20. ‘How have you not seen every episode of Sex And The City?’
21. ‘Beer? Why are you not ordering the Cosmopolitan?’
22. ‘Are you the man or the woman in the relationship?’
23. ‘Yea, but that’s now how we straight people do it, is it?’
24. ‘Have you ever seen a vagina? Want to see mine?’
25. ‘Why is there only a Gay Pride Parade?’
26. ‘How are you having dessert? Shouldn’t you be off sugar?’
27. ‘As a gay man, aren’t you supposed to hate sports?’
28. ‘OMG! Why aren’t you the queen of sass?’
29. ‘Are you sure you can’t pull off sequined trousers?’
30. ‘What about a sequined jacket?’
31. ‘…Sequined shoes?’
32. 'Oh God! Now who’ll drive us? YOU?’
33. ‘You are obviously not good with secrets, are you?’
34. 'You are a gay guy! So what’s the latest gossip? Who are we bitching about?’
35. ‘You are in a relationship? Shouldn’t you be changing boyfriends every month?’
36. ‘All the sex, and no worries! Being gay must be so much fun, no?’
37. ‘Don’t you feel dirty after anal sex?’
38. ‘OMG! You are totally like Will, and I am like Karen from Will & Grace, right?’
39. 'Oh come on! You fantasize about married men all the time, don’t you?’
40. ‘Listen! Will you be my gay best friend?’
41. ‘Are you a Khloe or a Kim? No, you don’t know what I am talking about?’
42. 'But you are one of us girls now, aren’t you?’
43. 'I am not going to introduce my boyfriend to you. What if you hit on him?’
44. ‘Oh! It’s a straight person thing, you won’t get it, will you?’
45. ‘OMG! You’d love to come shopping with me, right?'
46. 'Isn’t it great that you don’t have to pay on the date?’
47. 'Have you ever cross-dressed? I am sure you have!’
48. ‘How can you not have seen Wicked on Broadway?’
49. ‘You’ve not even seen Funny Girl?’
50. ‘But I can call you a fag, right?’
51. 'I can’t even call you a homo?’
52. ‘What about queen? No? But you guys call each queen all the time!’
53. ‘How can you be really sure that you are gay?’
54. 'Will touching my boobs make you straight?’
55. ‘Are you going to snap your fingers at me, mister?’
56. ‘But how can you not relate with Stanford from Sex and The City?’
57. ‘You don’t even relate to Elijah from Girls?’
58. ‘Definitely Kurt from Glee? No?’
59. 'Have you slept with all the gay boys in the city?’
60. ‘How are you not promiscuous?’
61. 'It’s so great that your parents accepted you, no?’
62. ‘How do you even know so much about football? Is it because the players are cute?’
63. ‘Is Section 377 even a thing?’
64. ‘Why are you getting so worked up about Section #377? It doesn’t even recriminalize homosexuality!’
65. ‘Why are gay people so loud, man?’
66. ‘How do you know that you are gay if you’ve never been with a woman?’
67. ‘Why aren’t there any pretty lesbians in this world?’
68. ‘Do you love Ru Paul’s Drag Race or do you love Ru Paul’s Drag Race?’
69. ‘How can you not read the Guysexual column?’

Illustration courtesy Siddha Kannur/Studio Klew

Aniruddha Mahale