The Guysexual’s Instruction Manual For Morning After Etiquette

The Guysexual’s Instruction Manual For Morning After Etiquette

How to be polite while you send him packing

You wake up as the first rays of sunlight hit your face.
It’s a beautiful morning.

Your cat nuzzles up to your leg as you make snow angels in the sheets of your familiar bed. Pushing him away with your toes, you stifle a yawn and smile at the picture on the bedside drawer. It’s from your month-long holiday across uncharted Europe. ‘That was a great vacation, wasn’t it?’ you chuckle to yourself. It’s right next to the book you’ll never finish reading, but that doesn’t stop you from making a mental note to get back to it soon. Your clothes are bundled up in a mysterious heap on the floor, and your laptop whirs away peacefully on your beanbag by the door.

Your room is just the way you left it last night – messy and imperfect, but it’s still home. You turn around.

There he is, the mistake from last night – sprawled across your bed, drooling all over your favourite pillow (or at least you hope that’s drool). It’s what’s-his-name from what-was-I-thinking-last-night.

See, while making the hasty exit after a regretful morning-after might be easy when you are at a stranger’s house, things aren’t all that simple when you have to say goodbye to someone who’s just shared your bed(room). And as you struggle to remember his name, remember that you’ll also have a lot of questions.

How do you wake him up (just like you woke up your conscience)? Do you offer breakfast or break it to him that he has to leave? Should there be a parting gift (that’s not necessarily your phone number)? How can you be polite and send him packing?

Relax, irrespective of whether this is a one-night stand, a causal hookup or the beginning of something fun, here’s how to behave yourself and show someone the door, after a raucous night of backdoor shenanigans:

1. Making the exit (for him)

If you wake up first, pretend to be sleeping till he does (but only if you never want to see him ever again). Give him a 10-minute getaway gap where he can make a quick dash for the door, no questions asked, no judgments passed.

Once he does, keep your beer goggles where they firmly belong – in your bedside drawer, and only take them out when you need them.

Next weekend.

2. Let’s start a breakfast club?

Offer a cup of tea, but don’t make the mistake of already making one. No one wants a surprise cup of Earl Grey, especially when they look surprised to see you to begin with.

Side note: avoid the accompanying toast, and the chance to make this ritual a daily habit.

3. Time to clean up!

Have a go at your bachelor pad with a duster and a trash bag before he wakes up, and clean up your room before he realises you hoard discount coupons (and used condom wrappers) by the dozen.

4. Do I see you again?

We’ve got ourselves a winner!

The fair chance that he’s survived waking up, sharing breakfast and enjoying your relatively cleaner room (for longer than it takes to struggle into a shirt and trousers and scuttle out of the door), you both probably want to see each other again. Accompany him to the door when he finally feels like leaving, and say goodbye with a kiss and your phone number.

 Other quick tips to remember:

1. Shove all your family pictures into a box before you drag your conquest into your room. Unless you want to wake up to the happy faces of your parents, your brother and family dog staring down at your naked bodies, high up from the Eiffel Tower.

2. Keep a bottle of breath mints and wet wipes handy in your bedside drawer. You might not look like Fawad Khan when you wake up, but there’s a lesser chance of feeling (and smelling) like Kamal R Khan when you do.

3. Don’t want a flat mate to potentially consider therapy because they walked in on you while you were busy trying to replicate the spread-eagle from the downloadable version of the Kamasutra?

Invest in a lock (or at least a sock on the door).

— Illustration courtesy Amrai Dua

Aniruddha Mahale